Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Things that probably amuse only me...

... What the fuck, people. It can't all be about you.

Here we go. One of these things was written by the wonderful staff at The Onion, via their farcical (and fictional) columnist, Smoove B. The other is by Celtics player Delonte West, a 2nd year guard. You be the judge:

Item 1:
Yeah, we're going to my yacht. We'll pull up at the docks and got a guy waiting for us, open our door up and we walk down a lit-up dock and onto the yacht, where we have dinner set up on the boat and we just cruise out on the water. Sit down and have some dinner, some shrimps and steaks, keep it nice and breezy. Pop some bottles, some Moet Rose. The red Moet, we ain't popping no Kristal, it tastes like urination. We ain't popping no Kris, that's $500 a bottle. It ain't that serious. It ain't going to get you drunk. Make sure you put that in there. We ain't doing a $500 bottle, we're doing a $99 wine and dine. While we're eating, have a singer. Who should I have?

Do some skinny dipping, but keeping it clean fun, don't need to get all right to the point, you know, keeping it clean. Boom, get back, take her back home. Give her a kiss, tell her I enjoyed my night, let's do it again. I don't want her in a situation, because skinny-dipping, she'll already be shaky about doing that if it's an early date, but most likely she will [skinny-dip], but I don't want to end up in one of those situations where you're feeling the mood too much and you try to press the situation and you came all out your hook up. And now you leave feeling lame because you'd try to force the issue and she really wasn't with it, and I know that's happened to a lot of guys out there, you done and feel the night a little too much. So, just keep it nice and easy, and I think from there she'd have a good enough impression where she might want to do it again.

One more thing: When we're on the yacht eating, we're going to have some Popeyes chicken. That's for dinner. It's to let her know, put a mental image on her mind, first and foremost, if you ain't from the hood, you don't like Popeyes chicken. Everyone there loves Popeyes chicken and the biscuits -- phew. But that's just getting it on her mind, saying, you know, 'Yeah, I can wine and dine you, but I'm a little rough around the edges and I'm keeping it real with you. I can be romantic, but this is real, we're going to eat some chicken tonight. Chicken and biscuits.

Item 2:

I am capable of bringing you to a state of freakstasy that no other man could ever bring you to. You can try to find this level of sexual satisfaction with some other man, but know that if you break from me, I cannot guarantee that I will still be single when you realize that only I can satisfy all your senses. Then, you would be living in a cold, cruel world, and I would not wish that upon you. You are too special to me.

Damn, girl, you need to take the rest of the day off so I can break you off doggy-style in my bathroom.

Ever since we met two weeks ago, I knew you were the one for me. Your style, your booty, and your class are beyond all compare. In a world populated with many fine women, you are without a doubt the most fine. Let me take you out tonight or, if you are busy, tomorrow night to show you how I treat a lady as exceptional as you. Allow me to break it down:

First, I will pick you up from your house in a white limousine and take you to the finest dance club in the entire city. The people at this club will be attractive and the beats will be crazy. We will not be in the club for a minute before we get on the dance floor. Even though the other people will be good dancers, we will be the best. When you bump, I will bump. When you grind, I will grind. We will move together like twins who happen to like to freak.

At this point, we will go back to my place, where I will prepare a dinner specially suited for one as lovely as you. While I am cooking the meal, we will talk about your life, your hopes, and your dreams. At this point, I will unthaw a deluxe bag of jumbo shrimp for you to sample as the appetizer.

There will also be cocktail sauce.

So which is which? Which is a professional athlete who went to college (I guess), and which is a fictional columnist in a satirical newspaper?

Aw yeah.



slouchmonkey said...

Boy, that's a tough one! I'll venture item 1 is Delonte.

Chez said...

I so don't care.

Holy shit that's funny regardless.

TK said...

Slouchmonkey wins the prize. My favorite line? Delonte's quote:

"The red Moet, we ain't popping no Kristal, it tastes like urination."

Fucking priceless.

And yes, there will also be cocktail sauce.

slouchmonkey said...

Thanks for the prize! I think this is my favorite quote. There are so many, but this one sticks:

"I can be romantic, but this is real, we're going to eat some chicken tonight."

I guess I was that smoove too at 23.

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

I've only one question for you - where the fuck do you find this shit? And why? (make that two).

P.S. "yyqthhuz"

TK said...

Gosh, Matt. The language. I'm trying to keep this a family-friendly blog.

Fucking bastard.

By the way - yeah, it's fucking snowing again.

Anonymous said...

Snow is good. Doggy styling is best left to your cat.

DJ passed on. What a friggen awful day tomorrow is going to be. Haven't been this shocked since Reggie Lewis dropped on the court.

p.s. wdtprm

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

By the way - yeah, it's fucking snowing again.

No comment.