Thursday, June 28, 2007

Smithers, release the hounds!

I know, I know. But it's only because someone asked. So screw you, Dustin. That goes for you too, Meg.

I don't know why they look so forlorn in some of these. Maybe it's because we whip them regularly and mercilessly, and lock them in a closet all day.

***Interview update***

Only two today, both actually went quite well. I'll probably call both of them back.

BUT: I swear to fucking God, the next person who tells me "I'm a people person!" or some variation thereof? Gets thrown down a flight of stairs.

Finally - tomorrow's the drive to Philly. I'm planning on leaving work around 4:00, going 90 West to 84 to 684 to 287 to the Tappan Zee, then 87 to the GSP. Unless anyone has a better idea. It's gonna be a parking lot, I know. So I'm open to ideas.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.

All right, you ravenous beasts. To keep this rowdy lot quiet, I am vowing to post every day this week*. And I vow that every post will be as clever and insightful as is humanly possible**.

But dammit, I'm having too much fun these days, which is not something I get to say often. The weekend was fantastic - Friday night was an impromptu part-ay at a friends awesome pad in East Boston, which has a great view of Boston Harbor. Saturday we had friends over for an excellent bbq dinner, prepared by yours truly. Sunday was working around the house, with a great walk in the woods with Mrs. TK and one of the dogs (three-legged beagles aren't so good with the hiking, so she stayed home). And Monday was some more working on the house, and a beautiful canoe trip on Lake Cochituate (Ahh, Massachusetts - land of fucked up Indian names). Why did I go canoing on Monday, you ask? Because I took the day off - aw yeah... Perfect weather, fun activities, and a little bit of home improvement. Not bad, I say. Not bad at all.

But the week has blogging potential. This weekend I'm driving to Philly to console (read: get drunk with) a friend whose stripper girlfriend recently went psycho on him. A weekend of boozing, a Phillies-Mets game, and horrific traffic.

But best of all, Thursday and Friday are prime blogging material - that's right, kiddies - INTERVIEWS!!! I'm interviewing 7 people over those two days, and hopefully there will be a mix of good candidates (who will make my life easier) and crazy ones (to amuse y'all). Last time I interviewed I had a guy who was fired from his last job for sexual harassment and racial profiling, a woman who literally talked non-stop, to the point that I actually only asked two questions in 45 minutes, and a guy who I'm pretty sure showed up drunk.

So good stories shall abound.

So I promise to provide y'all with more material in the coming days. ***

* Not true
** A bald-faced lie.
*** Not bloody likely.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Everything means nothing to me

So, obviously my blog appears to be in a state of decline. I looked at my number of posts per month and there appears to be a steady decrease since January. What can I say... I'm not that creative. But then again, it's summertime, and as I said, my summers are dedicated to being outside and enjoying myself. And there's little to bitch/blog about, which seems to be my forte. I mean, here are my activities so far this summer:

Napping in the hammock
Mowing the lawn
Taking the dog swimming
Sitting in the sun

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Not much to complain about, is there?

So in the interest of feeding you goddamn jackals, I'll take the lazy route and do one of my favorite activities - keyword analysis! I know, fuckin' yee-ha, right?

So here we go... search terms that brought people here:

1. Uncooked Meat - OK, starting out normally enough.
2. Paragraph on my worst job - Obviously refers to this post.
3. Satan - Wow, people, narrow your search terms a little, huh. Otherwise you stumble across things like this.
4. There is no normal life... there is only life - Apparently someone else is a Tombstone fan as well.
5. barbaro crazy nuts - hmmm, what could this be about?
6. mike patton paedophilia - HEY! That's my boy you're talking about. Libelous fuckers.
7. deus ex malcontent - that's just weird. I don't even know what the hell that means. Some lunatic, probably.
8. septic truck massachusetts shit - again with the shitty jobs.
9. video head of a golden retriever - yup, got that.
10. cambridge bbq porch law - no clue.
11. will i get hired if i'm pregnant - not by me, you won't. I'm kidding, of course. Sort of.
12. the feel of uncooked pork - eww...
13. signs of uncooked meat - what the hell? who has so many questions about raw meat? In all honesty, the title of the blog doesn't have anything to do with meat.
14. father trucker spank belt - There it is. There's always one fucking creepy term. Last time it was "wife passed out pics". This time it's... well, it's creepy is what it is. But my guess is they found this post.

By the way - I'm still looking through resumes. The sentence of the week is: "First, I have four year as a result, oriented, professional, and, team, player in the admin assist environments."

I didn't edit that at all, by the way. OK, so, couple of things:
1. If you write "first", I am expecting there to be a "second". There was not.
2. Don't abbreviate things in your cover letter. Just don't.

Also, please don't EVER use the word "vast". As in, "I have a vast knowledge of the field of..." Because you don't. I've been doing this for eight years and I don't have a vast knowledge. If you've been working at a bookstore, but you live near homeless people, you don't have a "vast knowledge" of the problem of homelessness, ok? But I now have a vast knowledge of what a dumbass you are.

Whew. Good to have that off my chest. Have a great weekend, kids.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Until Morale Improves, The Beatings Will Continue

Here's one of those posts where I make myself sound like a raging asshole.

I'm hiring. Anyone need a job?

So my department has a couple of job openings. Which leads to one of my all-time favorite activities - resume reading! Never before have I participated in an activity which is simultaneously so awful and hilarious. Funny and infuriating. I'm consistently amazed at what people will put in a resume.

Here's the thing. Resumes are important. Particularly if you're looking for a professional job. I mean, if you're looking to get hired at the local Quickie Mart, then no, they don't have to look that good. But if you want a career, particularly one in a field as specific as mine (low-income housing), then you need to put a little effort into it. By the way, it's important to note that these are not entry level positions that we're looking for.

It's not helped by the fact that I'm hyper-critical of resumes. Here are a few things that will, unless there are some really good extenuating circumstances, get your resume automatically stuck at the bottom of the pile:

1. Spelling errors. People. Come on now. You type your resume on a computer. Your computer has a spell checker. USE THE FUCKING THING. This isn't a goddamn aintitcool forum, or your blog (ahem).
2. Type-O's. Nothing displays your inherent laziness more than typographical errors on your resume.
3. Mass-mailed resumes that aren't customized for the position you're applying for. This doesn't mean I don't think you should use the same resume for a variety of fields. But if you are going to do so, and you are applying for a job in, say, property management, you should probably NOT type "looking to find a position in legal advocacy requiring strong research and communication". Because that doesn't make any goddamn sense and you sound like a moron.
4. Excessive corporate jargon. I get it. You're a team player. You work in a fast-paced environment and like to multi-task and are multi-faceted and do a bunch of other multi-related shit. First, shut the fuck up. Second, get a thesaurus and use some original terminology. I swear, there are about 10 "resume terms" out there - multi-faceted, fast-paced environment, multi-tasking, work as part of a team, able to work independently, motivated, strong interpersonal skills, et fucking cetera. And it annoys me to no end when someone uses every. single. one, without actually telling me what they've done, and what they can do. Look, there are millions of people who can multi-task, OK? It's not like being able to fly a fighter jet. It's fine if you want to state that you're multi-taskilicious. But just spend a little bit of ink telling what real, actual skills you have, things you've accomplished.

I know, alright? I know I sound like an asshole. But I can't help myself. My theory is this: You are looking for a job. You want to impress the people who you might potentially work for. This simple sheet of paper is all they have for you to demonstrate why they should invite you in. So shouldn't you do everything within your power to show them, on that piece of paper, that you're smart and capable and have something that separates you from the rest of the pack?

I was looking at resumes and I swear to God there was someone who misspelled "education". I'm not making that up. So fine, it was a minor mistake. But if you're going to misspell something like that, on something as important as your resume, what does that say about how you're going to do going forward? You want to show me your attention to detail? Try spelling "detail" correctly, you fucking ignoramus. And no, I didn't make that one up either.

Oh, here are two more things that bug me:

5. People who try for funny. That may work if you're applying for a job at Second City, or at a record store, but not in an office.
6. Know your limits. If the position asks for 10 years of experience in a specific field, and you've been working at the Gap for the last 18 months and before that you finished your BA in Basket Weaving, maybe you need to look elsewhere. While we're at it, please don't tell me what high school you went to. I don't care. In fact, I barely care where you went to college, as long as you've got the right experience. Assuming you're not looking for a job as a doctor or lawyer or architect, where you went to college and what your GPA was matters for your first couple of jobs, and then? Not so much. I also don't care if you enjoy rock-climbing or origami.

Anyway. Sorry to rant. I know this may hold the record for most boring and non-blogworthy post, but I had to get it off my chest. So to lighten the mood a little more, and sound a little bit more like a raving dickhead, here are some of the funnier things I've found on resumes or cover letters:

  • Someone wrote that because they live near Boston, they have a "good sense of the problems of the inner city." Where do they live? Chestnut Hill, one of the wealthiest and whitest areas in Eastern Massachusetts. Look, I don't care if you live in Chestnut Hill or in a van down by the river. Just don't bullshit me.
  • "I have extensive supervisory skills. In my last job, I fired six people". Great, just what this agency needs - a trigger-happy shithead who's proud of firing people.
  • "I'm an enthusiast person." Riiiight.
  • "I'm a quike leaner." Super. I've been looking for a quike leaner.
  • "Interests: reading, my cats." Um... the day I put the fact that I have pets on my resume? Kill me.
  • Quick advice: If you're going to address the cover letter to a specific person, it behooves you to spell that person's name correctly. Just a thought.
  • Another bit of advice - if your email address is you may want to use a different email account. Again, not a deal-breaker, but it is a little weird.
  • "I have excellent oral skills." God, do I wish I was making that up. No, I did not interview her, despite my co-worker's wishes.
  • "I have applied for a position at your company five times and never been asked for an interview. This saddens me deeply and I feel I deserve a chance." Boo. Fucking. Hoo. There's a hint in there somewhere. Maybe, if you look hard enough, you'll find it.
  • "While I have no experience in your particular field, I feel that my experience as a medical assistant gives me the skills I would need." Really? That's weird, because I'm confident that I am in NO WAY qualified to be a medical assistant.
I've got a million more, but I have to get back to the stack of resumes. And yes, I realize the irony inherent in blogging while I'm looking for a good employee. Shut it.

I promise my next post will have less bitchy snarkiness.