It's so cold I think my heart stopped

Remember a few weeks back when I said I like the winter? Well fuck that noise. It's NINE DEGREES outside right now. NINE. Single digits. I think my ear wax froze. Don't get me wrong... I've been through some serious, no-shit cold weather. I grew up in New England. I lived through the blizzard of '78. Not to mention the blizzard of '91, '97 and '05.



Hell, I went to college in Wisconsin. Here's the thing about UW-Madison. It's an awesome school. Great programs, good professors, helluva town. But it's madness that people live there permanently. Lewis Black summed it best when, talking about Minnesota (same damn thing), he said something like "I can't believe that long ago, settlers came here... and fuckin' stayed". The winters are B-R-U-T-A-L. I remember my freshman year, we got 14 inches of snow.

In April.

That shit ain't right.

That same year, at one point it was -15 degrees. For five days. That doesn't even factor in the wind chill. Which is also insane, particularly since Madison is an isthmus, so the wind is like being sliced with a very cold razor blade. Even worse, not once did those fuckers cancel class. Sub-zero temperatures, snow storms, ice storms... nope! Get to class you layabouts!

Anyway. My point? As usual, I'm not sure I have one. But I know two things:
1. Going from 70 degrees to 9 degrees in a span of 10 days is fucking horrific. This should be how we torture terrorists. Just make them sit through a few days of sunny New England, and then without warning, drop the temperature by 60 degrees. Seriously, who do I have to talk to about this?
2. Again, fuck a bunch of El Nino. Don't tell me this is some random weather pattern. I'm not buying it. Because I've lived here for a long damn time, and it's only the last few years that El Nino has been discussed. I think something's up. I think someone's hiding something. Sinister forces are at work here, people. And all of you fucks are just taking it lying down. Like I said before, where is the panic about this? I feel like Billy Bob Thornton in Armageddon. The fucking world is about to end and no one is listening to me. I think that one or all of the following things are to blame:

• Global warming. Ice caps melting, fucked up weather patterns.

• An evil genius at work. Could be Dr. Doom, could be Dick Cheney. Fuck, they may well be the same person (hmm...). But someone somewhere is fucking with the weather and simultaneously lulling the world into complacency about it.

• Canada. Why? 'Cuz I just don't trust those bastards. Either them or France. Goddamn cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys.

So go ahead, America. Keep driving your giant SUV's and emitting your greenhouse gasses and living in ignorance. But someday, you'll wish you'd listened to me. Someday, when Matt is up to his ass in snow drifts and New York looks like a graveyard of giant popsicles and it's so cold you've forgotten what your testicles feel like and we're living under the cruel jackboots of super-evolved evil winterized nuclear cockroaches, you'll wish you'd heeded my advice. Damn you, America! DAMN YOU! *shakes fist at God*

*deep breath*

Whew. Maybe I got a little carried away there. I drank a lot of coffee today. But in all seriousness folks... it's goddamn freezing today. Wear your mittens.

Happy Wednesday.