Friday, January 05, 2007

A glimpse into the life of TK...

Here are some fun things that have taken place recently...

1. I got pulled over.



I know this doesn't sound funny, but damn if it wasn't hysterical. I was headed down Route 1 south in Norwood, MA, on my way home. Buzzed by a state trooper car. Next thing I know... flashing lights, siren... FUCK! I've had bad luck with staties in Mass, big goddamn lantern-jawed Hitler-youth-in-training that they are. Then this conversation took place:

State Trooper: License and registration please.
TK: Here you are sir. (note: I am incredibly polite to cops. You should be too.)
ST: You know why I pulled you ovah?
TK: Honestly? I have absolutely no idea.
ST: Hm. You know how fast you were going?
TK: Um... Fifty-five?
ST: Well, then I guess you know why I pulled you ovah.

beat

TK: But... um... the speed limit is fifty-five.
ST: What?
TK: Yeah. It's forty-five back that way, and forty-five once you pass those lights up ahead, but it's fifty-five on this stretch.

beat

beat

ST: Aw, Jesus. I'm sorry.
TK: WHAT?
ST: I apologize, sir. (hands back paperwork) Uh... be careful when you pull back onto the road.

fin

Truly bizarre. And awesome. And makes me fear for our law enforcement community.

2. I witnessed, and then participated in, the following conversation.

The scene: Work N' Gear store, just before Christmas. I'm just trying to buy a pair of work boots. Find them, and while waiting in line, witness this:

Store employee: That'll be $65.99
Fat Annoying Woman: No, that's not right. Those pants are on sale.
SE: No, they're not ma'am.
FAW: Yes they are. There's a sign right there that says 20% off.
SE: Yes... but that's for the clothes on the rack the sign is attached to. These pants are from that rack.
FAW: Well, the sign outside says "Huge Sale"...
SE: Yes. And there is a sale. But these pants are not part of it.
FAW: Don't you think that's false advertising? I think it is. I think you're tricking people.
SE: Ma'am, the sign doesn't say everything is on sale. It just says there is a sale.
FAW: (to me) Don't you think that's false advertising?
TK: Lady, I so don't want to be involved in this.
FAW: Well. I think you're basically lying to your customers. *snatches credit card away from SE* I'm not coming back here.

She walks towards the door, I walk up to the register.

FAW: Haven't you ever heard of "the customer's always right?"
TK: (sotto voce) Not when the customer's a jackass.

Store employee cracks and starts giggling. Woman storms out in a huff. The best part? My boots were on sale. And no, there was no sign near them. Sweet.

3. The following conversation took place in my kitchen.

Mrs. TK: So, I went to the gynecologist today.
TK: Um... swell. Thanks for letting me know. I guess. How... boy am I gonna regret this but... how was it?
MTK: Fine, I guess. No more or less uncomfortable than usual.
TK: OK. That's all you gotta say.
MTK: She said my uterus looks great.
TK: What? She really used those words?
MTK: Yup. I, apparently, have a great-looking uterus.

pause

TK: You know, that's sort of strange. I mean, I've never gone to the doctor for a check-up, had him look me over and say, "Hey - nice balls." You know?

and SCENE.

3 comments:

Matt said...

Meow.

Daphne said...

But would you really want your physician to mention how nice your balls are?

I guess it's one of those weird, innocuous female things that don't translate well to males? Damn those double standards!

TK said...

Hey, I'll take a compliment wherever I can get it.