Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Proof that there is a God, and that he is angry and spiteful

There are a million ways to amuse yourself on the internet. Probably more than a million. Some people like the porn, some people like to surf blogs, or sports sites, or steal legally download music or spend the whole fucking day reading random Wikipedia entries, or looking at Anne Hathaway. Some write blogs, hoping to amuse others. I am not ashamed to admit I have done all of those things. But there is something that transcends all of those things. Something that cannot be topped, something that will make you laugh, cry, cringe, and possibly pee your pants.

I am speaking, of course, of the IMDB Message Boards.

Now, a bit of history. Way back when, I was an AICN junkie. It's devolved into one of the worst sites on the internet, but at the beginning, it was actually a pretty cool place for total movie dorks, which I have freely admitted to being, to get together, read some scoops and bitch/talk about movies. It is now the worst kind of masturbatory bullshit you will ever see assembled. People do nothing but call each other faggot on the talkbacks, and Harry Knowles has exploded into a juggernaut of ego and nepotistic, favoritist elitism. Yes, several of those words I just made up.

^The aforementioned Mr. Knowles ^

Then, there came IMDB. IMDB is like heaven to me. It is an endless stream of movie trivia, a beautiful orgy of useless facts that would endlessly amuse me. It would literally arouse me, and not just because you could find pictures of Rachel Weisz's cleavage. Sweet mercy is she beautiful. Let's take a moment to reflect:

But then... the zenith of interweb brilliance - the message boards. A wonderful haven for people to ask inane questions (what religion is Sheryl Crow? Is Matt Damon right handed? I heard Ron Perlman only has 9 toes! How tall is she?) and spout worthless opinions about all manner of things, internet-scream at each other, and generally make asses of themselves. I refuse to post, but I did sign up for an account simply so I could view the comments. It's free, and I couldn't recommend it highly enough.

But then something went wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong, and this is where what little humor there was in this post goes down the crapper. I used to think that reading tween comments about Britney and Hilary and Jennifer and all those other mouth-breathing wannabes was endlessly amusing. And then I stumbled upon a poster who made me weep for the future. I'm serious. I forget the topic, I forget her name. All I remember is her little catch-phrase at the bottom of her post which read:

"I heart Britney more than I heart world peace!"

Read that again. Take a break, go throw up. Let me know when you're back.

I will continue this in a bit. But I'm about to head home. I promise I'll finish my thoughts.

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