Monday, December 17, 2007

I hope this letter finds you well out of harm's way

Open letters... return!


Dear Winter:
Listen, you overeager motherfucker. It's December 17th. You are supposed to stay away for FIVE MORE DAYS. So seriously, back the hell off. Enough. 16 inches of snow in the last five days? Four and a half hours to drive home? 11 degree weather? What the hell? ENOUGH ALREADY, you overzealous bastard. Wait your fucking turn.

Your pen pal,
TK



Dear fire alarm in my office that has been going off incessantly for the last two hours:
Seriously. Knock it the fuck off. I feel like there's a gigantic mosquito in my head. And if there are two things I despise, it's mosquitoes and gigantism.

Eat shit and die,
TK



Dear co-worker who I accidentally crashed into and knocked over and sent flying into that table with the printers and stuff on it when I came stampeding out of my office because I am sometimes careless and tend to walk too fast and without looking and with heavy feet and you're kind of small and I didn't see you:
Um... sorry 'bout that.

Apologetically yours,
TK



Dear Rilo Kiley:
Um, I'm not sure how to say this. Because you know I love you, and I think "Take-offs and Landings" and "More Adventurous" are spectacular albums, and I think "Portions for Foxes" is seriously a song that I can listen to on an endless loop, especially the part where you yell "Come here!" All of that said... "Under the Blacklight"? Kind of blows.

Disappointed but not angry,
TK



Dear chipmunk that has taken up living in the ceiling above my basement:
OK, apparently you didn't get my last letter. I know you're still in there, you fucker. I'm warning you. I killed three of your cousins, and I am coming for you next. Get out while you still can, or I swear on the swollen belly of Buddha you will suffer.

Waiting to see the whites of your eyes,
TK



Dear Ipod:
Please don't die. Please? I love you so. And then I'd be forced to get some overly fancy new Ipod that plays video and massages my hands and... shit, I don't know... speaks four languages and knows how to satisfy a camel. And frankly, I don't need any of that. You're fine. You're better than fine. But... you're kind of shitting the bed right now. You freeze up for hours. I've needed to wipe you clean and start over twice. And there's that creepy death rattle that comes out every now and then. I'd really rather not have to replace you. Plus, I kind of dig that you're old-school in that cool-like-Donkey-Kong kind of way. So, please don't die.

Hopelessly devoted to you,
TK




----------------
Listening to: Rilo Kiley - Portions For Foxes

17 comments:

Chez said...

Yeah, winter's just gonna suck this year.

litelysalted said...

FUUUUUUUCK WINTER! Because of incessant wind, ice and more wind, we went most of this weekend without power. Oh, but it came back on for a few hours yesterday just so it could taunt me by going off again two minutes into the Dexter finale. And now they're saying it won't be back until tomorrow.

Oh, and RK's new album does indeed suck. Now if you'll excuse me, my boyfriend is here to pick me up at work because my car is trapped in a glacier at home.

Manny said...

I hear you! It's like 68 degrees here and I'm freezing my massive testicles off. I think I better start taking my jacket to work. Brrrrrrr!

girl with curious hair said...

It's really cold out here as well. I have broken out the jackets, sweaters and fuzzy socks. It was almost 46 degrees this morning. (We have a spare bedroom with a couple of down comforters and spare blankets, if anyone is interested...)

And as if this isn't bad enough, we're going to Michigan for Christmas. Don't ask me what I was thinking.

elyse the portuguese said...

Apparently you're on the East Coast like me. It's been hellish weather- but! on a brighter note, school is always delayed/cancelled lately so I can't complain too much.

Also- "Under the Blacklight" does blow. I was very disapointed.

Manda said...

Damn, if it snowed that much at one time in Richmond the governor would come on TV and tell everyone not to leave their houses. This city shuts down for a measly few inches.

It is a wee bit chilly here in RVA, though. Brrrrr.

Where did you find the fire alarm LP? Such a thing existed? WTF?

My lime green old school iPod Mini (!) is about ready to give up the ghost too. The battery lifespan is all of about five minutes. But I'm not ready to let her go either. Plus I use my shuffle more anyway.

Alex the Odd said...

Aw, I like winter time. Nothing sobers you up more on a Monday morning (Sunday night boozing, what the hell were we thinking?) like a bracing walk through the freezing cold.

I hear you on the iPod matter too - my friends fail to understand why I spent more on an old school one from eBay when mine "got lost" (ie. dropped drunkenly in the street) rather than buying a new and shiny one for less.

country roads said...

I sat around ALL DAY Saturday (ok, laid around hungover) waiting on the massive winter storm. That never came. It jumped my house and went right to yours. Sorry 'bout that.

Maxine Dangerous said...

I love it when you write letters to people. :) Also, I dig the new look :) Sorry about the weather. That sounds shit-tay. :(

Your favorite homo whom you've yet to meet,

Max

me said...

I lucked out and worked from home that day, but I did foolishly decide to take my son for a walk/sled ride. Damn am I out of shape. When did snow get so friggen cold?

TK said...

Chez - You ain't kidding.


LS - Ouch. At least we still have electricity. Sorry you got thrown back to the Stone Age.

Manny - Someday, I will kill you. Out of love.

Curious - You and Manny should start a comedy troupe. Also... Michigan? Are you insane?

Elyse - Yup, we're both rockin' the New England winter, apparently.

Manda - I love the album, too. Just stumbled across it on google while listening to the incessant WAH WAH WAH!

Alex - In a way, like my cats, I'm waiting for it to officially die before I replace it. It's still stumbling along, gasping for breath. Poor little ipod.

CR - No, really. You can have it back. Please?

Max - The new look was an accident because blogger crapped out and destroyed my banner somehow. A happy accident, if you will.

me - I blame global warming.

New Texan said...

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr... it was chilly here also. But now we are back to normal... 65 and sunny. I just don't know if I'll have enough time to play golf and do yard work on Sunday. Damn.

Please tell me that you don't have Hopelessly Devoted to You on your Ipod...

TK said...

Tex - 1) I hate you. 2) No, I do not. But I was trying to think of a fitting song lyric. Don't ask why that popped into my head.

I'd like a temporary moratorium on ironic comments from those in the warmer states, please.

gospelaccordingtoprisco said...

Is that Boston, all covered in snow? Awww. I always said that city looked better when everything was covered in a layer of snow and you couldn't see any of the buildings or people. Which, if memory serves me correctly, was about eight months of the year.

dmbmeg said...

I'll say this again: I would go gay for Jenny Lewis.

That is all.

TK said...

Prisco - it sounds suspiciously like you are making fun of my fair city. For your information, it's only winter for SIX months. So there.

Meg - Bitch, please. You'd go gay for a chicken sandwich.

Deutlich said...

I, too, have that version of the iPod. I love it dearly and have named him Oscar.

He's been a bit cranky lately, but I'm going to hold out hope.