Thursday, July 26, 2007

Just can't find the time to write my mind the way I want it to read

Excuse me as I gratuitously steal an idea from McSweeney's. The best of which is this one, incidentally.

Open letters to the various irritations in my life...

Dear chipmunk that has taken up living in the ceiling above my basement:
Get the fuck out. For real. Before you make me do something I don't want to do. Namely, kill you before you chew up my house. I thought you'd have learned when one of the cats killed your brother, but apparently not. Learn from his mistakes, and beat it.

Dear guy in the goofy looking yellow Subaru Baja who keeps cutting in and out of traffic every morning:
Dude. It's rush hour. Accept it and move on. You're doing nothing but aggravating everyone around you. And maybe you haven't noticed, but I stay in the same lane for the whole drive, and I beat you to the I-90 exit every.single.time. Asshole.
Warmest regards,

Dear Hotmail Junk filter:
You suck. Seriously. You're horrible. What do I have to do to get it through your thick e-skull that I don't want free airline tickets, cialis, viagra, or lonely sluts who love to fuck (aka Romanian trannies who will roll you in an alley for the fillings in your teeth). I know their schemes are incredibly complicated, using brilliant tactics like slightly different email addresses and misspelled words, but... stop letting them through, dumbfuck, or I swear I'll switch to Gmail and never look back.
Fuck you,

Dear squirrels that are wrecking my bird feeder:
Knock it off. It's not for you, you greedy bastards. I've got a tree full of acorns, but noooo, you have to be greedy and steal from the birds. Keep it up and I'm releasing the hounds. You've been warned.
All the best,

Dear dinging noise that chimes in my car every time I take a right turn:
Please stop. And please don't be a sign of something broken, or I will be very sad. I'd like to think I've treated you better than this (except for that time when I backed into someone in a parking lot, but that was totally the other guys fault. You know that. Don't hold it against me.)
Pleading hopefully,

Dear Starbucks guy:
Let's not make this hard on each other. I'm only in here because my wife likes your coffee drinks. Me, I'm a Dunkies guy. So 1) Please don't give me that condescending look when I come in looking like a homeless man. I was mowing the lawn. 2) When I ask for a small, please don't correct me and make me use the "proper Starbucks terminology (tm)", or I will straight-up murder your ass.
Yours in Christ,

Dear Audrey the Beagle:
Stop waking up and crying at 5:30 in the morning. Or I will punt you over the fence and someone else can take care of your three-legged ass.
Can't stay mad at you because you're so goddamn cute,


New Texan said...

wow... so much to comment on, so little time...

your dog is cute as hell...

complaining about drivers in boston is sooooo overdone. You're better than that.

you married a woman who prefers starbucks to Dunkin' Donuts? She must have several redeeming characteristics to make up for that flaw. If you were to ask my wife what the single worst thing about living in Texas is, she'd say "no Dunkin Donuts, only F***ing Starbucks."

Cheer up... the Pats start soon.

Garrett Reid said...

What a f-ing fantastic box full of letters. In my old car when I made right turns the headlights would (sometimes) go out.

Kerstin said...

My entire day has been redeemed. This was the funniest damn thing I've read in quite some time.

Of course, I sympathize with your suffering. :)

CJ said...

I love this.

So many little things to get pissed off at, and I think you dealt with that profoundly.

Great idea

Ranylt said...

Oh.My.Squatting.God. I thought you'd outdone yourself in the New England/S.Africa post (GOD!) but, apparently, I'm wrong again.

You owe me a new side (cramps).

Anonymous said...


Dear TK,

When I send you a doctor's bill for the perma-grin on my face that just won't go away, don't be pissed, m'kay?

Cyberiffically Yours,


TWoP Fan said...

Goddamn, I HATE Starbuck's 'teminology'. What's so goddamned hard about small, medium and large?

Chez said...

I could just sit ans stare at pictures of your 3-legged beagle all day. CUUUUUUUTE.

MelodyLane said...

Do it. Make the switch from evil Hotmail to Gmail. I did it a few months ago and I frickin' love my Gmail. Suck it Hotmail. FYI, not a Google employee, just a person who hates the Microsoft monopoly.

The Starbucks coffee shill needs a big glass of shut the hell up thrown at him. If you are paying for it, then you get to order it however the hell you damn well please. Suck it Starbucks.

Great post. Cute dog.

TK said...

NT - indeed, more qualities than I have room for. And in fact she does enjoy Dunkies, but she has a weak spot for those frozen something-achino drinks. So I get to embarass myself by ordering foo-foo drinks as well. Awesome.

Garrett - I'm beginning to develop a man-crush on you due to the Tupelo/Wilco/Son Volt references.

Kerstin - well, I do what I can.

CJ - Yes. Profound. A word often associated with me.

Ranylt - Why is it always tales of my suffering that amuse you so?

Boo - Check's in the mail.

TWoP Fan - it's because they want you to conform and join their evil army.

Chez - There are days when I'd say you can have her.

Melody - I know, I'm just too lazy to deal with sending out that "I changed my email" email.

Vermillion said...

Damn, TK. All I had was a bunch of links. I bow to your Thursday superiority.

By the way, you might want to write an open letter to your blog, and tell her to stop opening her comments for just any guy with a QWERTY keyboard.

QueBarbara said...

Dear tk,

Gud boi, u can has cheezburger now.

k bai

country roads said...

I love gmail.

I hate starbucks. They've invaded here. We're lucky to have electricity I think...but we've ab out 10 coffee shops.

and a bb rifle purchased at the local walmart will rid you of those squirrels. It won't kill them if you don't pump it up a'll just put a little fear in them.

TK said...

Vermillion - you think she listens to me? I can't control her...

Que Barbara - never again, you hear me?

Country Roads - what's with the name change? And my wife would turn that rifle on me if I tried to use it.

girl with curious hair said...


I want to believe you when you say your beagle is the face of evil and all--but I just can't. Look at that face. Now I want a puppy.

After realizing how useless Hotmail is, I put it to good use. It is officially my junk email. Every crappy site that needs and email, etc--gets my hotmail address.

MG said...

Never read your blog, TK, linked here from Pajiba love, but from the header picture, the wash quote and the eliot quote, I love it already!

And really, if I hear about you straight-up murdering the ass of the Starbucks employee who gives you shit for not using their terminology, I will personally spearhead the efforts to raise your bail money.

QueBarbara said...

"Yes sir," she said sheepishly. The "Never P.U.I. or after happy hour" sticker must have fallen off of my laptop.

em said...

Dunkin Donuts has some crazy good hot chocolate, too. Yes, I'm now craving that on a humid as hell day in Chicago. Thanks, TK.

Also, my dog is part beagle (beagle face, border collie coloring and coat), and you really just cannot stay mad at that face. The picture you've posted is trademark beagle--cocked head, pleading eyes, "you-know-you-love-me-even-though-my-last-emergency-vet-visit-cost-you-$1,400-and-two-nights-of-sleep" attitude. Gah.

dmbmeg said...

I clearly see 4 legs. Am I blind? I do not understand.

TK said...

Curious - oh, sure. She's all cute and darlin' and adorable, and then she's digging up the yard and rooting through bags and eating a hole in the couch.

MG - welcome. Take your shoes off, get comfy.

QueBarbara - that's better.

Em - Hot chocolate on a hot day? God, I'm sweating just thinking about it.

Meg - are you still drunk? Good Lord. That's three legs, a tail, and a STUMP. Click the pic for full size. Or sober up.

Redhead said...

1) If you kill the chipmunk, a small part of my soul will die (or something like that).
2) I go to Starbucks every day, and if one of the guys that worked there gave me even a fraction of the attitude your Starbucks guy did, I'd fucking lose it on him. You have my permission to tear him a new asshole.
3) I agree with everyone else - fuck that's a cute dog. Oh, and if you had to wake someone every time you had to pee, you'd whine too.

onthevirg said...

- As a fellow vermin sufferer, fuck that chipmunk. Put a rat trap up there.

- Traffic sounds as good there as it does out here.

- I'm glad I don't drink coffee, I could put up w/ those insufferable assholes every single day. If you punch him in the mouth, I bet no one blames you.

- Am I going to hell cause the thought of a 3 legged dog makes me laugh a little bit? And yes, the dog is cute.

Natalia said...

Dear Vending Machine in the Break Room at my Lousy Data Entry Job,

Please replenish your supply of Sun Chips. That's all I really ask. I long for the days when I used to press A7, half smiling, as you slowly dropped into my posession. I didn't care that I had to pay 75 cents for a bag of, oh, 3 whole chips. Your multi-grain cheesy crunch was enough to get me through the endless children/dog/QVC anecdotes of the unhappy middle-aged women surrounding my cubicle.


A Lover and a Fighter said...

Starbucks can lick my balls. I will actually go buy some balls, surgically implant them, and then they can lick them. I so strongly dislike them. F them AND their fake pretentious sizing metanarrative!

TK said...

Meg! It worked! There you are!

Anonymous said...

yanno what I really like about squirrels?

the shotgun.