Wednesday, August 08, 2007

There's an old Italian saying: you fuck up once, you lose two teeth.

I'm going to the dentist soon, and of course, that reminds me of a story...

Embarrassment seems to be a running theme through the interwebs these last few days. Pajiba asked commenters to write down their secret shame albums. No, I won't write mine here, you can dig over there for it. And then of course, there is always Meg, who has become my sister-in-awkwardness.

Now, those who have been coming here for a while know that I have a rare gift for this stuff. In between numerous (and ridiculous) injuries and my inability to keep my mouth shut, I may hold some sort of regional record for embarrassment. So I figure, what the hell. Let's give the people what they want, and give you another tale of woe. And I must warn you, it's pretty graphic.

Shortly before I went to college, I went to the dentist. I suppose I should mention (while I'm embarrassing myself) that I am notoriously bad at going to the dentist, so I hadn't been in a while. Like years. The fact that I have a strange phobia about people prodding at my face (seriously - and don't get me started on how much the eye doctor freaks me out), and I've historically had bad experiences at the dentist, I'm a little nervous. But, my dad is making me, and when my dad says go, I go.

And it turns out that (surprise) I need a bunch of fillings. And since I'm leaving for college soon, the dentist suggests I do it all at once. Fine. I come back a couple of days later, and settle in for one of the single most uncomfortable experiences of my life. Fillings, repeated Novocaine shots (in the mouth - shudder), and dental drills. Awesometown. Population: Me.

Anyway, we're moving along. I'm dizzy with pain, getting my fillings, getting the shots, etc. It's brutal. My doc gets a phone call, so he breaks and tells me if I need to use the bathroom, I can use the one to the left of the door.

He very specifically points out which direction to go. I head over there, and it's locked. So I nonchalantly go through the waiting room to the waiting room bathroom. As I'm walking through, I see a number of crying children and scared looking parents.

Weird, I think. I wonder what that shit's all about?


I get into the bathroom, do my thing, and go to wash my hands. And then... I look in the mirror.


I look like someone's nightmare. I look... words can barely describe it. The Novocaine has made my lower jaw swell tremendously. I didn't realize it until that moment, but I can't actually close my mouth. My tongue is literally hanging out, also swollen. I am wearing a bib that is covered in bloody spittle. And, worst of all, I am drooling uncontrollably. I mean CONSTANTLY. A steady stream of blood and drool is pouring out of my mouth, running down the bib and onto my pants. I basically look like Rawhead Rex.

And I just strolled through a room full of already-nervous children and their parents.

And now I have to go back through the waiting room. I open the door, and everyone in the waiting room has been staring at the door while I was in there (probably hoping that they either hallucinated me, or that I'm an extra in a horror movie). I come out, and say "Oh, I am so sorry", except that I can't actually talk. So it's basically just me going

"awg, irmf ggorf blarshie"

and more drooling.

Not my finest moment, people. Not one bit.

Listening to: Uncle Tupelo - Moonshiner


Alex the Odd said...

You do realise that your misadventure is probably responsible for all the children present suffering from severe gum disease and tooth decay through being too freaked out to go near a dentist ever again right, TK?

The last time I went near a dentist the psychopathic bitch ripped out a tooth complete with splayed roots with no fucking anaesthetic. Evil.

Anonymous said...

OH MY GAWD!!!! I'm going to have to stop reading your blog if you don't quit this shit. Seriously. The Rawhead Rex picture sent me over the edge...I'm so bookmarking this entry so that anytime I need a good laugh I can read your blog and look at that image, all the while imagining you walking through a waiting room of little kids and their parents. AWESOME. You win TK. I don't know what it IS, exactly, that you win, but you WIN.

Anonymous said...

Sweet. I requested amusing blog posts to assuage my boredome, and they have been delivered. I give you an A.

I was just telling onthevirg on his blog about the time I had nitrous at the dentist when I got a tooth pulled and how it was like "flying through a world of colors."

fear.of.landing said...

So people really look as freakish as they feel at the dentists office? Did you say, "I am not an animal" all Joseph Merrick style?

Vermillion said...

I also went to the dentist recently after years of successful avoidance.

I was notified that, because my baby teeth are like a goddamn picket line, not letting anyone break through, I have wisdom teeth up the wazoo.

This is happening despite the fact I already had my canines (and other teeth) pulled because the little bastards wouldn't fall out naturally, forcing the permanent ones to punch through the gumline above them. It made me look like a mako shark.

So now I have a oral surgeon referral sitting next to me, reminding me I have 1-3 years to do it, or my mouth will be too old to heal properly. Which is some sick crap, if you ask me.

Ranylt said...

That's it. You've officially killed me.

I am dead, and you will never top that post.

girl with curious hair said...


This story makes my dentist visits seem like fun little tea parties. Your avoidance of dentists is admirable, although possibly counterproductive.

Now I have to write a dentists story. As soon as I can reclaim my computer...

Chez said...

Yeah, but did you whip out your dick and piss on a priest?

(And come to think of it, had you really been Rawhead Rex, you would've just picked up those kids and bitten their heads off.)

country roads said...

You should've looked at the kids and the parents and said "What?"

TK said...

Alex - a guy can only dream about permanently scarring small children.

boo - thank you. I'll take my prize now.

Mortarbored - I live but to serve.

F.O.L. - I AM A MAN!!! I also wore a burlap sack over my head.

Vermillion - Um... ew?

Ranylt - awww *blush*

Curious - I don't avoid dentists. I just... oh, shut up.

Chez - No, but I figured you'd be the one to ask. I think I did enough emotional damage that day.

Country Roads - Yeah, but it would have come out as a belligerent "wulsh!?"... and more bloody drool.

Jayne said...

nausea overcomes me.

seriously people, just go to the damn dentist before your teeth start to rot and you won't have to worry about these horrors.

thanks to 6 years of braces that have weakened the enamel on my teeth, I have no choice but to suck it up and visit Dr. Horror at the very least twice a year. fun.

Alex the Odd said...

Meh, a lip piercing means that the enamel on my bottom teeth is screwed anyway. I really really should consider going soon.

QueBarbara said...

That was bloody brilliant. The photo was really inspired. You got me 1) yesterday when I first read this, and 2) this morning when I woke up and pictured you walking out in the waiting room with that scary face. My silent giggles shook the bed so hard it woke up and annoyed my husband.

kerstin said...

Oh. My. God. You are a brave, brave soul. No way in hell would I take repeated shots and drilling without some sort of "knock me the fuck out" drugs.

I am also notoriously bad at going to the dentist. I hate him. He just makes up shit for me to get done so he can take his family on fabulous vacations.

Redhead said...

1) Very, very funny.
2) Are you ever going to post anything new again? Just checking.

Anonymous said...


Scaring the kids in a dentist's office without intending to is worth a heck of alot more points than hitting a drunk who is crossing the streets against the lights.

just kidding.

This is why we brush our teeth...

Someday, I'll do a story about the dentist who stuck the need out from next to my nose. ...