Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.

God, I couldn't be less inspired to do a blog posting if I tried. But it's been about a week, and a certain pain-in-the-ass is giving me shit (again), so what the hell. Let's slap a stamp on it and mail this fucker in. Before we get to the actual post (which relates to the post title), I figured we'd do a quick bit of catch-up.

Life has actually been pretty good (and maybe that's the problem). Of course, last week at work was the exception. My boss was on vacation, and whenever she goes on vacation, all hell breaks loose. Last week we had a kid overdose on heroin and die in one of the bathrooms of the developments we manage. Jesus. Talk about depressing. And now we're dealing with cops and family members and the whole mess is just sad.

Then we had the cops try to serve a warrant on one of our more unsavory residents. He ended up jumping out of a window with a gun and knife in hand, fleeing into a neighboring apartment, knocking the woman there around, and then holding a knife to his own throat to try to get the cops to back off. The cops, after he busted out the window, ended up calling in S.W.A.T., tore the place apart, and needless to say, did not back off. Cops don't like it when you run away, and they don't particularly like it when you beat up helpless women while doing so. Anyhoo, I suspect the official report is gonna say he fell both up and down the stairs, if you get my meaning. They ended up finding 120 grams of cocaine, a .380 pistol, a .45 pistol, several rounds of ammo, $20,000 in cash and a fully loaded, fully modified AK-47 in his apartment.

So yeah. How was your work week?

In more fun news, I'm going to see the Rebirth Brass Band on Friday, which should be awesome. Then Saturday one of my good friends from college is coming to visit, who I haven't seen in years. The the next weekend we're going to Provincetown with a bunch of friends, which should be a big, gay (it is P-Town, after all) blast. THEN my sister's coming for Labor Day weekend, which should be... well, we all know what happens when she and I get together.

Next month I'm doing a bachelor party/camping trip, a business trip to L.A., and then a wedding.

Jesus. I'm exhausted just writing all of that.

I figured that you all know me well enough, so it's worth noting that I haven't injured myself, nor embarrassed myself, in about 2 weeks. Except for Saturday night when I was drunk and tried to pick up the metal cover to our firepit and burned four out of five fingers. Oh, and last week I tripped on a blanket and went flying head first into my closet, ending up with a face full of shoes.


Let's finish up with a completely random and ridiculous story. Monday night, I was at a friends house, watching baseball and drinking and getting high and eating Chinese food, because that's how I roll on a motherfuckin' Monday beeotch and shut up I don't have a problem and I don't need to talk to anyone and someone please hold me oh God I just need some attention oh please someone make the pain stop...

Whoa. That was strange. Who saw that coming?

Anyway. Monday I was at a friend's house... um... discussing French philosophy and eating salads before heading home for an early bedtime. And we ordered Chinese food, and two of us got the exact same fortune. I mean, exact same, front and back. Weird, no?

Well fuck a bunch of weird, because I can beat that shit. When I was in college at UW-Madison, my friend Phil and I used to go to the same Chinese place every Friday. We never used to pay attention to the fortune cookies, and just toss them. Then one week we decide to open them. Of course, this was 13 or 14 years ago, so I forget the specific language, but we open them, and Phil's says something to the tune of "You will receive great wealth and accolades in your life".

Mine? Mine is blank. Seriously. It's a blank piece of paper. So I freak out a little, but being a naturally cynical guy, it doesn't bother me too much.

The following week we go back, we eat, we have a good time, and then we sit there looking at the fortune cookies. Phil looks at me, and tells me to pick first. I pick mine, he takes his, we open them. Again, Phil's is a prediction of prosperity and wonderfulness.

Mine is fucking blank. Again. I shit you not. It's like I'm cursed.

Now I'm more than a little freaked out. I mean, two blank fortunes, two weeks in a row? What are the odds? I mean, who among you has EVER received a blank fortune in a cookie? And now I get two in a row?

The following week I tell Phil I'm done. I'm never eating there again. He begs, he pleads (it's worth noting that the food here was really fucking good). I cave, and off we go.

Eat our meals. And then it's time. I'm actually getting genuinely scared. I mean seriously worried. We do the same thing. Phil lets me pick. He opens his. Fortune and Glory, once again.

Fortune and glory. My turn. My hands are literally trembling. I smile a shaky smile, open the wrapper, crack open the cookie and...

Nothing. No, not blank again.

Nothing. The fucking thing is EMPTY. No fortune inside.

I never went back. Two months later the place closed down.

Have a good week.

Listening to: RJD2 - Fuck A Soundcheck


Redhead said...

Good Chinese food in Madison? Dude, are you still high?

Wow, when things get nuts at your job, that's just on a completely different level than nuts at my job. Mine's more along the lines of 'if we don't get these books done they don't get sold, we don't get paid, and someone gets fired.' But yours is 'wait, did this person die, get arrested, or kill someone?' Your job is SO much cooler.

(Oh, and thanks for the post - 'bout time.)

litelysalted said...

Maybe they just get their fortune cookie's from "Chang's House of Shitty Cookies."

Here is my requisite fortune cookie joke: At a table full of people cracking open and reading their cookies/fortunes -- crack yours open, furrow your brow, and pretend to read, "That wasn't pork you just ate." A crowd pleaser every time! (And by crowd pleaser I really mean that all my friends hate me.)

girl with curious hair said...

You keep all this fun stuff bottled up and share just once a week? That's blog abuse. More power to whoever is harassing you to blog.

What a bizarre week at work! I never thought the $20k in cash I had laying around the house would end up in MA. Could you forward that? Thanks.

And your lack of fortunes in the fortune cookie are the best fortune cookie story ever.

onthevirg said...

Ghezus Christ! And these are the kind of people you have to deal with on a daily basis? Just...Wow.

Though it does bring me back to my glory days as a sexy, international arms dealer. The danger, the excitement!

Manny said...

Hah! Operation Uncooked Meat Tenderizer has begun...soon you'll be losing keys, your socks will not match, and then...well, it's just too horrible to say.

Alex the Odd said...

I don't know TK having no pre-ordained future sounds kind of spiffy to me - just think nothing you do for the rest of your life will actually affect the course of the universe in any way whatsoever...

... actually yeah dude, you're totally cursed.

country roads said...

I've only gotten one blank one before. It does freak you out...

TK said...

Red - I'm telling you, this place was good. It closed down so soon, it was probably before your time.

LS - Yeah. You're a riot. *quietly biding my time*

Curious - Guilty as charged. I like to do everything, all at once.

OTV - Well, not daily. But... yeah. It happens. I've actually worked in FAAAAR worse environments. Some other post, some other time.

Manny - Drunk again, I see.

Alex - Yup. Soon I'm gonna start turning into a werewolf.

CR - see?! This is what I'm sayin'...

Bella said...

Gee, the real world sucks, doesn't it? Nice to have a job that keeps you on your toes though and not, uh, bored and mindless?

I'm sure a little boredom here and there wouldn't hurt though, right?

Anonymous said...

First off - you should post more.

Second - that's a perfectly fine way to spend a Monday. If you replace chinese with dominos and baseball with House and Monday with Thursday, I did the same thing last week.

Third - HA

MelodyLane said...

HA HA!! That is the best fortune cookie story. Mine are always pointless, like "It is a beautiful day" or "You are a ray of sunshine" (ask anyone who knows me and they will start laughing at this).

Heroin, guns, and money? Your job is way more exciting than mine.

TK said...

Bella - My job is many things, but it is rarely boring.

1. Bite me.
2. Let's hang sometime.
3. Ha yourself.

Melody - Yup. What can I say, some days my life is like a Warren Zevon song. Of course, some days I want to set myself on fire.

Garrett Reid said...

Ok - Nobody seems astounded with how twilight-zone-freaky that fortune cookie thing is. That could be the beginning of a Stephen King style, cursed by a gypsy, kind of story. I would have demanded a second cookie. Man, that would have really freaked me out. What are the chances of two blanks and an empty? Astounding.

TK said...

Hey man, I was pretty fucking astounded. Still am. I'm convinced it's the reason I fell into my closet the other day.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

When you publish your book, will you sign an advance copy for me? I'm going to ebay the shit out of it.

Vermillion said...


Re: Kat Dennings

Funny thing for a man with no future to be declaring duels and such, but fine by me!

*glove slap!*

I demand satisfaction!

Jez said...

I gotta give it to redhead, it's a good thing when you post. But shit, now I won't have anything to read at lunch.

Oh, and redhead, I know you live in NYC, but we have Chinese people in the midwest, too, and some of them cook very well, so you and the biggest city in the U.S. can go eat a dick.