Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Let God sort 'em out...

So, I was reading a post over at the newly christened I'm Quietly Judging You, about the author's recent battle with a dead mouse. And for some weird reason, I started thinking about the recent spate of problems we've been having with pests at the ole' Meat Factory. For a while, we had mice that were invading the garage, until Audrey (aka Stumbles the three-legged beagle) managed to take one down, and the rest appeared to have died from the poison I left in the garage. But our not-so-new problem is...

Wasps.

Let me just say, before we go any further: fucking ick. We had a problem with them last year, and while I managed to kill the nests, it creeped me the fuck out. And now I just finished doing some research on wasps, and I'm even more creeped out. The thing is, wasps are actually somewhat helpful. They only eat other bugs, and they rarely cause any damage to your house. Their nests are pretty small - the one on my garage is only a little bigger than a golf ball. However, I also learned that their stingers don't have barbs, meaning they can sting repeatedly. And when they sting, they release a pheromone that drives other wasps insane and causes them to attack in a collective psycho-wasp fury.

My wife is probably hiding under the bed after reading that, because she has a serious issue with paralyzing fear of bees/wasps/any sort of flying stinging thing. Not that I blame her, because frankly, that's enough for me too. Any insect that can do that much damage to me and mine has got. to. go.

I have some simple rules regarding wildlife. For the most part, I'm a live and let live kind of guy. Birds who eat my grass seed? So be it. Squirrels? Fine, whatever. Caterpillars, moths, you're free to be. Spiders are fine as long as they stay out of my house. Garter snakes I usually catch and release into the woods behind the house. But anything with a toxic stinger that can go into a poisonous homicidal rage and bring all it's poisonous homicidal cousins? Adios, motherfuckers.

Similarly, whenever we go to Cape Town to visit my folks, they used to have (in their old house) a bit of a scorpion problem. Now, I know that saying "a bit of a scorpion problem" is kind of like saying that the Middle East has "a bit of a philosophical problem" or that in college I had "a bit of a drug & alcohol problem". Because, well... fucking scorpions, right? For a few years, every time we'd go to visit my parents we'd have scorpion encounters. And folks, them fuckers are scary. One time Mrs. TK found one in the shower. In the shower. Where you're basically at your most vulnerable, other than on the toilet. Another time, I was coming out of the shower, walked into the bedroom, and one was in the middle of the floor. It stopped, spun around, and raised it's pincers and tail up and just stood there. It was like a Mexican standoff between a poisonous arachnid and a man in a towel. We caught it in a jar, and just left it there to suffocate to death, then dumped it down the garbage disposal. Because I ain't fucking around with something like that. Especially when it gets into the house. All creatures great and small my ass.

I just realized that Cape Town has some dangerous goddamn wildlife. I've encountered scorpions, venomous snakes, poisonous jellyfish, and baboons. Not to mention that it has one of the most robust populations of Great White Sharks in the world. And to think my parents once tried to persuade me to move back there. I mean, let's compare:

Suburban Massachusetts:




Aaaaand Cape Town:





I can't for the life of me figure out why I haven't moved back.

Anyway. The war on wasps commences this evening. Watch out!

16 comments:

Jason said...

I'm so over the whole natural world with the flying insects and whatnot..and the crawling ones, etc...

Jayne said...

You bastard.

Either you have heard that I'll be in Cape Town for work in a few months, and Chez has persuaded you to write things about it that will scare me from going, or...

you had no idea that I'm more excited about my trip to Cape Town than I have been about any other venture IN MY LIFE and you just randomly posted scary nasty pictures of creatures from there for the hell of it.

Either way, same effect.

you bastard.

Boo said...

Ah ha ha ha! I love the use of images. Really hits the point home, no?

Oh, BTW, it's me, nexus 6. I'm coming out of the closet, so... Hi!

Also, my husband and I are supposed to be moving in to a rental house while we build our house, and guess what? Massive FLEA infestation. WTF?!?!?!

Good luck with the wasps. I like to combat wasps with profuse profanity, visible tattoos, and talk of universal healthcare.

TK said...

Jason - totally fine with the natural world... as long as it stays outside.

Jayne - whoops. No, I had no idea, but you're going to have an amazing time, trust me. And if you want, email me before you go and I'll recommend some restaurants that will make.you.weep. Especially the seafood, ohhh, the seafood.

boo - who the hell? This is all so confusing. profuse profanity, visible tattoos, and talk of universal healthcare. Shee-it, that I've got in spades. If that's all it takes, those bastards are THROUGH!

onthevirg said...

Ahhh...another fond memory of my time as an exterminator. I need to jot the wasp story down sometime over at my place.

Get the retail version of the wasp freeze. That's the best way to go man. No muss, no fuss.

TK said...

See, and they say blogging is unproductive. We're learnin' here, folks.

OTV - is that the foam stuff? Gimme details!

onthevirg said...

This is the stuff, though you can probably do some Googling to find it cheaper. This stuff is the shit. Sprays about 12-18' and drops em in their tracks as soon as you hit them. It's immediate and you don't have to worry about running for your life after trying to kill em. Highly recommended.

dmbmeg said...

i can't even look at any of those pictures. Except maybe the baboon. He looks cute.

TK said...

dmbmeg - what, you're scared of cardinals? Weird.

I figured you'd like the baboon. Probably looks like your Friday night. zing!

litelysalted said...

I saw this yesterday when I was composing PL, but didn't get to respond because I was trying to get off the computer as quickly as possible to rot my brain with Maury.

Ahem. So I basically live in the woods, and envisioning people that have to deal with scorpions makes me feel a LOT better about my station in life. We get spiders that are so ridiculous that I sometimes have to fight them with brooms -- and there have been times that I've feared that the spiders may actually try to grab the broom and hit me back with it.

But last year for my birthday, my crazy mother inexplicably got me a pair of galoshes (galoshes?! who wears motherfucking galoshes?!) that have become my unofficial "spider eradicators." I feel like a spider killing superhero when I put them on.

Lora_3 said...

It's not being stung that hurts, that just pisses you off but what hurts is when it starts to heal. It itches like a mo/fo ! And yes i know from experience.

Be safe...

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

Okay, several things:

1. Thanks for checking in on the blog while I've been away, I had a nice time in Indo BTW, thanks for asking. It's always nice to come back to ridicule from someone with a Zamboni in his shed to groom his yard in the winter.

2. Where the fuck where you with those nice "interviewing tips" when I was still interested in working (no worries, that ship is long sailed).

3. I may be going to J'berg and Cape Town, S.A. in couple months. Any suggestions, tips, etc.? You've got my personal email.

P.S. How's your Desert Storm trading card collection going, bt the way?

dmbmeg said...

The St. Louis Cardinals, yes.

litelysalted said...

Now who's blogging more? Huh? Huh? Where's your post for today?!

(If you don't hear from me again, I've probably been eaten by a bear.)

QueBarbara said...

I would seriously consider trading all of Cape Town's nasty critters for Houston's m--f--ing tree roaches:

http://www.cofc.edu/~jonesl/roach.gif

And the mo-fo's will fly at you, too.

Anonymous said...

good GOD MAN! warn someone before you post pictures of snakes please. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. i have to go throw up now.