Monday, July 02, 2007

Wastin' Away On The Streets Of Philadelphia

Well, the Philly trip was a success... if by success you mean a drunken mess.

Let's start with a list, shall we?
  • Time it took to get to Philly: 6 hours
  • Time it took to get back: 5 1/2 hours
  • Total number of miles driven: approximately 700
  • Number of times I took a wrong turn: two
  • Number of songs I listened to: about 150.
Note: I'm an obsessive freak. The night before I left, instead of oh, say, packing, I stayed up until 1AM making a playlist for my iPod. Yes, it took me 3 hours. Yes, it is a playlist with 268 songs on it. But I figured I wanted to choose the best tracks, have it be long enough to get me there and back, and take into account possible traffic delays. So I created a 19 hour long playlist, spanning all genres. I know, I have a problem. It's a good goddamn list though.
  • Number of times I stopped: Once, each way (more on this later)
  • Number of beers I drank over the weekend: Um... a lot?
  • Number of shots: One. My mom may have raised me crazy, but she didn't raise no suicide.
  • Number of baseball games I watched: 3 (2 Phillies games, 2 Red Sox games)
  • Number of games I listened to: 1 (Red Sox)
  • Of those games, the number of games where the home team won: One. GODDAMNIT!
  • Number of cheesesteaks I ate: 2 (oof!)
Anyway, that's the boring stuff out of the way.

Let's talk about the break I took. I tried desperately to drive all the way down there without stopping, because I didn't want to get in too late. But since I can't drive anywhere without guzzling iced tea, eventually the pressure in my groinal area became too much. Plus, I was getting hungry. So I'm cruising down 684 in Connecticut, and finally I give in. I see a sign on the side of the highway that says "Burger King, Dunkin' Donuts, exit 4". So I think - sweet! Burger King has a bathroom, and burgers, two things I need right now. Perfect, right?


Fuck no.

Here's a rule: If you're going to put a sign up by the highway advertising food, or gas, or any type of service... it should be visible right after you exit the highway.

Because I had to go to the bathroom. Real bad. And this Burger King? I drove for TEN MILES without seeing it. There were signs every 3 or 4 miles that said Burger King, straight ahead! And guess what? NO FUCKING BURGER KING. So now I'm driving through some dipshit little town in the middle of the worst state in New England (note: Connecticut sucks. It blows. It sucks and blows. It's nothing but endless highway, white trash, casinos and Yankees fans. It's a fucking nightmare. They should just pave the whole goddamn thing). I am losing my mind. The need to pee, coupled with my fury at this town for falsely advertising a Burger King, and I'm about to park the car in the middle of the road and knock someone out. And then pee on them.

Finally, I find a Dunkin' Donuts. I bolt out of the car, use their bathroom before I reach critical mass. I've now given up on the Burger King, so I figure I'll get a bagel and get out of there. And then this conversation takes place:

Store Employee: Can I help you?
TK: Yes, may I have an onion bagel with cream cheese on it?
SE: Toasted?
TK: No, just plain, with the cream cheese on it.
SE: Do you want the cream cheese on the side?
TK: ... No. I'd like the cream cheese on it.
SE: You want the cream cheese on the bagel?
TK: (urge... to kill... rising) Yes. Please.
SE: Would you like the bagel toasted?

And I turned around and walked out, without another word. It was either that or I'm posting this from prison after getting arrested for beating someone to death with a toaster. Only Connecticut could make me hate the greatest chain restaurant ever. Because while I love me some Dunkies, but this one I wanted to firebomb. So I just got back in the car and tore ass out of that town, while roaring "THIS IS THE WORST TOWN IN AMERICA! I HATE YOU ALL!"

Anyway. We didn't get to go to the Phillies game on Saturday, because it was sold out. I know, I was surprised too. But there it is. A Phillies game sold out. The words looks weird when you put them together, don't they? Instead we went to a bar in Conshohocken (just outside of Philly) and watched them lose to the Mets. And in doing so, I got to reacquaint myself with just how miserable Philly fans are. I forget sometimes. I forget that when my wife gives up on a season after two innings, or when my friend Bret goes on a rampage after six games of a 156 games season, that it's not just them. It's everyone. My God, it's depressing. Philly fans are like abused dogs. They just get kicked around, but they keep coming back for more. I told one guy at the bar that I was from Boston, and his response?

"What's it like? Winning, I mean. What's it like? Fuck, man, it must be wonderful, huh? God, I wish..."

And he was being completely sincere. I thought he was going to start crying. It was like describing water to a man dying of thirst. I legitimately felt bad for them. I wanted to put him out of his misery. I felt like George at the end of Of Mice and Men, talking to Lenny.

"Tell me 'bout the rabbits, George?"


Anyway, the trip was a good one. I think I successfully cheered my friend up, if only for a few days. I had lunch with the in-laws, which is always fun. I brought home some locally brewed beers, though I did break one bottle. But it's good to be back.


onthevirg said...

"Conshohocken." You made that up...right? Well since you were driving solo you got to make a playlist of nothing but stuff you wanted. I'd be stuck listening to Gwen Stefani & Madonna for half the trip. Sounds like a cool trip.

New Texan said...

Excellent road trip... I've said forever that if CT fell into the Long Island Sound, that would be fine... just spare Foxwoods.

What makes matters worse for the Phillies' fans is that SI had a piece this week on the franchise as it approaches it 10,000th loss. TEN THOUSAND. Can you imagine?

girl with curious hair said...

If you are looking for signs on the highway to indicate the existence of an entity (oh, like a gas station when you're driving on fumes in the Arizona desert), don't take the exit off Casa Grande. You'll have to drive approximately four miles before you see the gas station with ONE pump--with a hand written sign that says "OUT OF ORDDER".

Oh, and they were stingy with their filthy bathroom, too.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

I think any sort of violence would have been justified here. You have the patience of a saint.

litelysalted said...

Where'd you go in Conshy? Wait -- let me guess --- The Great American Pube? Mwah! I kill me.

I am love with your use of the word groinal, and I'm totally stealing it. Furthermore, from one iced tea addict to another -- I hope you got to enjoy some delicious Turkey Hill tea while you were down here. Good shit!

TK said...

OTV - Nope, that's the name. Three times fast!

NT - I know. The 10,000 thing is like... no, there's nothing like it. Apparently, from the 20's thru the 40's, they averaged 950 loses per decade. Almost 100 games a year for THIRTY YEARS.

GWCH - That sounds like hell. Hot, dry, dusty hell.

L & F - I figured you'd empathize, being someone who takes 400 bathroom breaks per day.

LS - We did indeed go there. It sucked. We also went to the Boathouse, and some other place around the corner, and... um... uh... Seventh Heaven. Yeah. That was different.

Maxine Dangerous said...

Oh my God. The goodness. :)

1. Consohockaloogiewhatever. Best real fake-sounding name ever.

2. Groinal. Ha! Bitchin'. I learned a long time ago not to pass up a bathroom on a road trip but I still do it all.the.time. It's like I think I'll win the Non-Existent Burger King Bathroom game and I nevvvver do.

3. The Dunkin Donuts thing. Seriously, man. Tears. In my eyes. Man beats pastry employee to death with box of original glazed ... news at 11.


A Lover and a Fighter said...

You know me so well!

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