Sunday, September 07, 2008


Yesterday I saw something the likes of which I'd never seen before. Something terrifying, yet fascinating. Something wondrous, yet horrible. Something that may well be literally evil.

Yesterday, I went to a Bass Pro Fishing Shop.

Sweet boinking piss Christ on a jelly donut.

It was... it was complete and utter spectacle. So much camo! So many fishing rods! So many... douchebags! So... many... fishing rods. So many creepy fake animals and humans posed in bizarre hunting dioramas!

What's that? Of fucking course I took pictures!

Hey brother moose! Yeah, I'm just loungin', you know, maxin'. Yourself?

Figured I'd get a little fishin' done in this creepy fake stream!

Mmm... giant floating boat... and NASCAR!

Fuck me. Please don't be real.

Yeah. It was a little weird. But, you know, a man's gotta get his ammo somewhere. I kid, of course. No, I was there to get scupper plugs for our new, super duper awesome kayaks. But still. It was a little Redneck Twilight Zone, you know. I mean, it actually seemed like by simply crossing the threshold, people developed a Southern accent. I don't say that to bash Southerners. I'm being serious. I'm in fucking Foxboro, Massachusetts and all of a sudden the Massholes are evolving... or devolving... into hicks. It was somewhat disturbing. Like a giant Target, but more rednecky.

For God's sake, there was a shewtin' range! SHEWTIN', people!

I'll tell you one thing - I was easily the darkest person in there by several shades.

Anyway, it was pretty bizarre. Almost as bizarre as this:

Hmm? What? What's that? You've never seen a giant-ass fucking CANNON on the back of a pick-up truck with a "For Sale" sign on it? In a quiet Massachusetts suburban neighborhood? (although, in truth - where would this be normal?) Well, this was around the corner from our house. I almost wanted to find out how much it went for. Almost.

I swear, the world around me is smoking toads. I'm just trying to keep up.

Anyway. Fuck it, here's the puppy.

Now playing:
Cursive - The Great Decay
via FoxyTunes


litelysalted said...

Wait, are you sure that's not a Cabella's? Because that looks suspiciously like a Cabella's to me.

Anonymous said...

Holy smack! That's what the inside of a Bass Pro Shop looks like. There's an insanely huge one about ten minutes north of us; it's enormosity (and accompanying parking lot) can be clearly viewed from the highway.

Looks like an Amos Family Outing is in store.

Bass Pro Shop puts Gander Mountain to shame. And yes, I have shopped at a Gander Mountain. We were sizing up gun safes. Yes, gun safes.

kelsi said...

that's genius. i might never have left.
never forget:

country roads said...

Those stores fascinate me even though there's nothing I need in them.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

buy me that bear.

Kolby said...

That must be the bear Sarah Palin kilt. :::rimshot:::

Beth said...

In case you haven't opened them yet, you can totally make your own scupper plugs for (probably) a lot cheaper than the actual things. Buy yourself some refill Nerf Ballistic Balls (meant to be shot out of some kind of gun -- we bought ours at Target and they're probably sold pretty much anywhere toys are) and lace a shoelace/string through them. Then just shove those m'effers in the holes and pull 'em back out by the shoelace.

And cute pupper!

rlr260 said...

There's a Bass Pro-Shop going up about 10 miles from me. I drove past it on the interstate and I thought it was another shopping mall going up. The community where it will be located is treating its arrival with all the seriousness of a major industry coming to the area. Of course, this is Alabama, so they are catering to their ideal demographic.

Anonymous said...

Actually Bass Pro isn't a Southern chain; it is based in Missouri, where the people don't have southern accents. I don't really get the big deal about those photos, personally. It just looks like a store that sells sporting equipment. Surely there are other stores that have displays/mannequins pertaining to what they sell? And I personally don't see anything more "redneck" about fishing rods. Only hillbillies fish, now? Only rednecks boat? I don't like the stereotyping here one bit.

nancy said...

my brother-in-law gave me a doormat from this place, as a joke. Had some work done in my house recently, and when the contractor saw the mat, he stopped dead in his tracks. "That's from Bass Pro Shop! That's the BEST FUCKING PLACE IN THE WORLD!!!" I swear he got down on his knees and genuflected towards Temecula, or wherever the closest shop is.

MelodyLane said...

I have been to the mothership store in Springfield, MO. There is a bear, wildcat, waterfall, and if memory serves me, a big-ass indoor fish tank with tons of fishes. Bass Pro has nothing on Gander Mountain.

Manda, Gander Mountain has the materials that I plan on making my safe room with, including that big ass $5000 room sized safe. It will stop the zombies.

TK, can you get my some details on the cannon? You cannot post a photo of that without some info checking.

jM said...

Thanks a lot. I dreamed about that bear. It was sitting on my leg, eating a taco, telling me to go to school, and asking how to get to Queens. I have never heard of that store before, but now I must find it. That bear is like my Gatekeeper.

TK said...

Litely - No, trust me. If it were a Cabella's, I'd officially be in the twilight zone.

Manda - I love all your glorious redneckyness.

Kelsi - um... yikes. Again.

CR - I feel the exact same way.

L & F - you got it, kiddo.

Kolby - hey-o!

Beth - thanks! while I don't mind spending the money, I appreciate any and all ideas.

rlr260 - It will be managed by Jesus, I'm sure.

Anonymous - my apologies about your missing sense of humor.

Nancy - buy me that doormat.

Melodylane - believe it or not, it's gone now. Did someone buy it? I'm tortured by not knowing!

jm - muhahahaha! Also, see a therapist, your dreams creep me the fuck out.

MelodyLane said...

Dammit! I was really needing a cannon. For what now, I have no idea. I really wanted to know if it was at least a working cannon.

Now I am going to wonder what the hell happened to the thing. Fortunately, I live far enough away from MA to not have to worry about an insane neighbor with a cannon.

On a side note, how is Miss Tart doing in her new home?