Monday, May 07, 2007

Taste the pain

All I wanted was a sandwich.

But, me being me, nothing is quite so simple. I won't bore you with a recap of my weekend, suffice it to say that I did a lot of barbecuing. As a result, I have a pile of leftover barbeque in the fridge, which thrills me to no end. So tonight, home alone as Mrs. TK is working late, I decide "hey, let's have a sandwich using some of the wonderful pork loin". Mmm, sandwiches.

So I get some bread, some mayo, some cheese, and while innocently slicing the pork (and simultaneously completely spacing out), I basically saw off the tip of my left thumb. Yeah. Blood everywhere.

So now, since I'm a little bored, I figured I'd talk about something I've alluded to in the past. Namely, the fact that I am incredibly clumsy. I know, you're thinking, "oh TK, you exaggerate", because you're like my mother and begin all your sentences with "oh!". But believe me when I tell you that I am absolutely not exaggerating. I'm not clumsy because I severed off the tip of my thumb.

I'm clumsy because this is the third time I've done this. In the last five years.

So join me, friends, for a little journey down TK's Memory Lane of Pain. Here are some of the amazing feats of awkwardness and ineptitude that I have achieved in my 32 years:
  • When I was five, I was spinning around in circles to make myself dizzy. As a result, I hit my head on a table, resulting in a gash above my eyebrow, stitches, and a scar that I bear to this day.
  • When I was 10, I got so angry at my Nintendo that I slammed my fist into it, breaking the cover and tearing up my knuckles. Resulting in stitches.
  • When I was 13, I was riding my bike to school. While going downhill, I hit the brakes too hard, went flying over the handlebars, slammed into a stop sign (and I mean the actual sign part), and broke my left wrist.
  • 9 months later, I was running out of history class. I lost my balance, put my hand down to steady myself, but since my thumb was sticking out, I snapped my thumb. It was bent literally at a 90 degree angle. Yes, I broke my thumb in history class.
  • When I was 14, three days before high school started, I was riding my bike to a friends house. My front breaks were a little too tight. So I, being the fucking Rhodes Scholar that I am, tried to kick the brake pads to loosen them. Instead, I got my foot stuck in the spokes and went flying over the handlebars (again). This time, I broke both the bones in my left forearm, broke my right shoulder blade, shredded the skin off both elbows and knees, and lost two teeth. Let's just say the first day of 9th grade was a little awkward.
  • When I was 15, I tore up my knee taking out the trash. Apparently, there was some sort of sharp thing in the bag, it brushed up against my knee and next thing you know I'm in the hospital getting stitches.
  • Again at 15 - one of my best friends had a fairly low ceiling in their stairwell. Not incredibly low - in fact, they've told me that no one else has ever hit their head on it. Not only did I once hit my head so hard that I almost blacked out, but they eventually had to re-plaster that section of ceiling because it was so badly damaged. From my forehead.
  • Another time in high school, I was tapping on a window to shoo off a bug. I ended up putting my hand through the glass. Yep, more stitches.
  • When I was a senior in high school, I went camping with some friends. Since all of them knew my reputation for damaging my own person, they gave me all the easy jobs, like gathering firewood. Right. While stomping on a branch to try to break it, it shot up and went right in my ear. Again, blood everywhere.
  • During my college years, I worked construction over the summers. One such summer I was using a hammer and chisel, apparently a bit too vigorously. A piece of the hammer cracked off and shot into my arm, resulting in a tiny little hole and a stunning amount of blood. Again with the stitches.
  • Before we moved to this house, I was in the basement of our apartment, doing the laundry. I hit my head on a pipe so hard that I just... landed on my ass. And briefly blacked out. It's hard to describe... imagine seeing someone just... violently sit down, then pass out. Oh, and it's because they hit their head so hard that they bit their tongue hard enough to draw blood.
  • Last winter, I tried snowboarding. Without taking lessons. Result? Completely lose control (on the little kiddie hill), go flying ass over teakettle, and in an effort to break the fall, I put my hands out in front of me. I know, your thinking another broken arm, right? WRONG. Instead, I landed on my fists and cracked a rib. That's right, I broke my rib with my own fist. Which resulted in this conversation with my with my wife:
Me: Oh... God... it... hurts...
Her: laughing, she's having a great time
Me: Stop... laughing... not... kidding...
Her: laughter dying down... are you ok? Does it hurt?
Me: Only... when I... laugh... or talk... or... breathe...
  • Last summer, while digging up the flagstones in my yard, I dropped one on my toe. Thankfully, no hospital trip was necessary.
  • Also last summer, I slammed my car door on my own thumb. No reason. No distractions around. Just slammed the door shut, without thinking "hm, maybe I should move that big damn monkey-thumb out of the way". Tore the nail right the fuck off.
So there you go. Sadly, that's not even the complete list, but I figured I'd try to make you all feel better by showing you this little piece of my story. I hope you've enjoyed it. And sorry ladies, but I am off the market. You'll have to find the clumsy baboon of your dreams elsewhere. Sadly, I've now reached the point where unless I am in danger of actually dying, I skip going to the hospital. I'm just tired of going, you know?

Also, for those of you keeping score, yes. Yes, between the ages of 13 and 15, I broke five bones, lost two teeth and needed stitches twice. I used to think I was clumsy because I grew so quickly (in those same two years I went from 5'0" to 5'11"). But sadly, the future would prove this to be untrue. Basically, I think I should just wear a helmet and body armor full-time. Or wear one of these:

Yeah. Enjoy your day. And be careful out there.


A Bowl Of Stupid said...

T, I'm not even going to tell you the striking, and disturbing, similarities between out respective hospital trips.

From reading my stories, I'm sure you can just imagine (although I flipped over my bike into a parked van, not a stop sign).

This explains ... so much.

P.S. You may want to consider doing what I do and taking a thing of Crazy Glue with you wherever you go -- it's a hell of a lot cheaper and faster than getting stitches (I'm dead serious).

girl with curious hair said...

It's almost 1 am, and I'm reading this laughing so hard I'm crying. I am sorry. I'm glad you survived yourself. I no longer feel clumsy; I even feel better about my snowboarding experience.

You would have a lot in common with my brother though.

litelysalted said...

Hee! This post was so enjoyable.

When I was 10, I got so angry at my Nintendo that I slammed my fist into it, breaking the cover and tearing up my knuckles. Resulting in stitches.

I love this one. I still get crap from Mr. Salted about the time I tried to "teach the DVD player a lesson" for not playing my Buffy DVD.

And... I'm also pretty clumsy myself. I have a hideous scar across my left wrist that looks like I tried to kill myself because I slipped on a wet floor in the ACME deli I used to work at, gouging out half of my wrist on a sharp piece of metal sticking out of the wall. That was the second time I visited the emergency room in the 3 months I worked there, because I also cut my finger in half cleaning the cheese slicer. Good times.

New Texan said...

I feel bad laughing... but that is some funny shit.

Manny said...

Well, at least you had the good sense to get a job in construction. I mean, what could POSSIBLY happen to an accident prone behemoth on a construction site?

How's that MENSA application coming along?

slouchmonkey said...

Jeeeeez! Punching yourself in the ribs, I think, is my personal favorite. I'm not clumsy, but I'm also not Fred Astaire. At 6'5" I've had the pleasure of racking my bean on low hanging objects more than a few times. Never blacked out. Seen stars and funny colors, though. Do you ever just look down and go, "why is there blood on my shirt?" And, find that you've managed to open up your flesh without knowing it. I hate when THAT happens.

onthevirg said...

That's some comedy right there sir. I think you should have looked into a career as a crab fisherman. I wonder who would have ended up maimed worse. You or the other people on the boat?

Redhead said...

I don't know why people's stories of getting hurt are always so funny, but they really, really are. Yours were particularly good by the way. I especially liked that your wife initially laughed at you after you fell - that would have been my reaction too.


Yeah, Manny beat me to it. All things considered, you decided to WORK CONSTRUCTION????

And I'm not sitting here laughing. I'm sitting here with that ants-down-the-spine defense mechanism senstation that causes one to instinctively cover one's testicles protectively with one's hands. Hard to type this way.


And... aren't you running out of thumbs?

TK said...

Aw, it's so sweet that you all find my suffering so hilarious.

For the record - I didn't have a lot of choice with the construction job. While other kids' fathers got them jobs in cushy offices, my dad got me a job working road construction. I believe he felt it would "build character".

Manny said...

You should have told him:

"Builds character? How the hell am I supposed to build anything when I'm running of spare parts!??

God, I kill me.

Rev said...

Reading this makes me thankful that my lack of coordination is more or less balanced, not by a lack of stupidity, but by incredible luck.

Apart from a few nasty incidents involving iced surfaces and an ill-tempered canine, I've managed to avoid the emergency room.

There but for the gracelessness of God go I, I suppose.

litelysalted said...

tk, you inspired me... ;)