Thursday, April 12, 2007

Coffee + Justice = A Beautiful Morning

Justice is a beautiful thing. Wait, let's back up a bit.

Every day, my commute to work is a bitch. It's long, it's slow, it's tiresome. This is compounded by the fact that I am not a morning person. Not being a morning person is made all the more frustrating by the fact that I can't but help waking up early. My morning routine consists of my alarm going off at 6:00, me groaning and then glaring at it like it killed my family.

Note: I hate my alarm clock more than anything in this universe. More than George Bush. More than racism. I hate it with the fire of a million hells.

Then I stagger out of bed, walk/fall down the stairs, let the dogs out, feed them, let them out again, and then stumble into the shower. Showering consists of standing under scalding hot water until I remember that I'm there for a reason. On the days when I shave it's always a coin toss whether or not I come out looking smooth and clean, or looking like I got mauled in the face by wolverines. Then comes the complicated process of getting dressed. Not because I'm a clothes horse, but because I'm not actually conscious yet. So I'll sometimes spend 10 minutes simply standing in front of my closet, as if it will provide the keys to the universe if I wait long enough. I'm worthless. Sometimes my wife needs to remind me to put on pants. I'm not kidding.

As a random aside, here's a list of things I've done while getting ready in the morning:
  • Left the house without shoes
  • Walked into a door while brushing my teeth
  • Taken a 20 minute shower, gotten out, dried off, and realized I never actually used soap or shampoo
  • Put hair gel on my toothbrush
  • Fallen asleep in the shower (standing up), resulting in me hitting my head on the wall when my knees buckled.
Finally, back downstairs, pack a lunch, hit the road, stop for a cup of coffee and begin my 20 mile commute to work.

It's important to note that I don't think I actually, technically wake up until around mile 7.

My commute usually consists of driving between 5 and 15 miles per hour for about an hour and 15 minutes. During that time, I listen to either a) sports radio if I can find them discussing something tolerable, b) NPR, or c) music at deafening volumes. All the while, my fellow drivers are either in the same zombie-like state as I, or they drive like complete assholes, thinking if they cut people off and whip in and out of lanes, they'll shave 30 seconds off their commuting time. It bugs the hell out of me. Look, I'm all for driving fast when it's practical. But at 7:30 in the morning in Boston rush-hour traffic, you need to simply accept your fate and suck it up.

Anyway, on to the purpose of the story. Every morning I get to the final intersection near my office, where there are giant signs that say NO LEFT TURN. NO LEFT TURN, people.

Because, if you were to try to turn left, you would back up traffic in both directions. It's simply too busy an intersection. So of course, every goddamn motherfucking morning, some slack-jawed fuck-for-brains tries to turn left. People beep, they lean on their horns, pedestrians point to the signs, to no avail. The usual result is the six or seven people who would make the light if the turner wasn't a complete 'tard, don't make the light.

It happened again today. The cab driver in front of me (I fuckin' HATE cab drivers) tried to take a left. From the right lane. Blocked up traffic in both directions. And then, gloriously, a patrol car watched the whole thing. I saw the cop in the car watch, smile an evil little grin, then whip a U-turn and pull the fucker over. Justice, for once, was served. It reminded me of this:

Courtesy of malfunction junction

It truly is the little things in life sometimes.


Manny said...

Glad to see your insomnia doesn't affect you in the morning. Good thing abuot my dog is that I don't have to freak out if I forgot to walk him in the morning. The little guy will hold it for freakin' HOURS. This way I don't have to worry about getting washed away in a tidal wave of urine once I get home from work.

litelysalted said...

A few years ago I was on my way to work, and I got stuck behind this douche going like 25 in a 35. Naturally I rode his ass, until we hit a red light where he proceeded to get out of his car for a game of "intimidate the little girl."

Well, unfortunately for him, "little girl" isn't so easily intimidated and we proceeded to get into a screaming match. Finally the light turns green and he gets back in his car, and I flew around him when the road split into two lanes. After that, the matter was closed as far as I was concerned. But a coworker behind me who witnessed the whole affair told me that he had been trying to catch up to me to yell something else out his window and crashed into the curb at an intersection. Dear sweet Jesus how I wished I had seen it myself. I did see his car parked at an autobody shop later, with the whole front wheel ripped halfway off so that was pretty good too.

Garrett Reid said...

Since we are telling stories: Once, while driving in San Francisco I tried to make a right on red. There was a little old Asian man, (who was actually wearing one of those pointy straw hats) and he wanted to cross the street. I didn't see him and pulled up too far. As he walked around my car, he hit my hood with his cane and yelled, "You go back Texas. Learn drive!"

He showed me.

Shark99 said...

Hahah hair gel on toothbrush, been there and done that, man!

Maxine Dangerous said...

I've almost done the non-toothpaste-goo-on-the-toothbrush thing myself. I think it was acne cream or something equally non-mouth-friendly. And I remember getting ready to leave my apartment once and I stopped at the door and touched my leg to make sure I was wearing pants. I'm not a morning person either, but I can generally remember to put on ALL my clothes. :)

New Texan said...

For your readers in the Boston area... exactly what 7 mile stretch of road are you driving while half asleep? ha!

dmbmeg said...

I once tried to put KY jelly on my tooth brush.

True story.

I wasn't tired. I'm just really not that bright. And the tubes are alarmingly similar.

Anonymous said...

How much does it really hurt to walk into something while the toothbrush is still in your mouth? Come on, man. I've waited my entire pathetic little life to ask someone that question. Beats the hell out of asking man coulter if she wears bikini's or thongs.

No. Don't think about that last thought too long. It'll keep you awake at night.

TK said...

Manny - Yeah, that doesn't work with me. I'm pretty sure if I didn't let them out, they'd smash through the door.

LS - God, tough gals like you rock.

Garrett - You shoulda gotten out of the car and thrown that old man over a bridge.

Maxine - you're just jealous. You secretly want to leave without pants.

NT - it's a secret. Keeps everyone on their toes.

dmbmeg - things like this are why I heart you too.

Anon - it hurts a lot. To be fair, I was just standing there, gazing into oblivion, when my wife opened the door into my face. No blood, but I did hurt myself a bit. Woke me up though.

Chez said...

You fucking rule.