Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Can we talk about stupid for a minute?

Let's go with this:



What you are looking at, in case it's unclear, is the 2009 Cadillac Escalade Hybrid. It's one of the largest SUV's around. In a hybrid. This has to be one of the dumbest fucking things I've ever seen. Basically, you've taken an overpriced, elitist beast of a machine and given it only slightly better mileage.

First of all, I can only assume that we all accept that the Escalade is a car designed for the vain and image-conscious, people who will likely NEVER use it for it's storage capacity or off-road capability. And no, piling in four kids for a soccer game does not fucking count. Seriously, when's the last time you saw an Escalade actually carrying anything? Towing anything? Anything on the roof? No? Didn't think so. People who buy luxury SUV's infuriate me, because a) they have no idea how to drive them and b) it's just stupid. Buying a luxury SUV in this day and age is essentially saying, "I have a ridiculous amount of money, and I'm basically telling the environment to go fuck itself. Seriously, suck my ass, Planet Earth. I've made a conscious decision to ostentatiously flaunt my wealth while simultaneously taking a shit on my children's future on this planet."

Oh ho! But now it's in a hybrid! Now, you can say, "I have even MORE money, money that I don't even know how to spend. I don't give a fuck about the environment, but I read somewhere that other people care. And since my image is so goddamn important, I'd like to at least pretend that I give a shit. So I'll continue to buy massive, overpriced bohemoths on wheels, but this one's a hybrid! Sure, it still doesn't even get 20 miles to the gallon, it's still a danger to other drivers, but now I can act like I'm actually a good person."

I apologize for this out-of-nowhere rant, but I saw one on my way to work this morning and almost exploded in my car.

Anyway, as a random aside, there's a few new music reviews going up on Pajiba at 5PM EST today. Please check 'em out.

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Listening to: Warship - Profit Over People
via FoxyTunes

12 comments:

branded said...

Spinning rims are wind powered. Going green y'all!

meaux said...

Bah-ha-ha! My husband and I saw the ad for this ridiculous beast a couple of nights ago. Something like 32% better fuel economy than the standard Escalade.

So now it only only uses as much fuel as four Echos. I heart my tiny car.

Marra Alane said...

Are the lights green for mother earth or for the ridiculous amount of money spent on this piece of shit car?

CajunKate said...

That was totally awesome.

sloaneclearv said...

so, my boss? represents Union workers? so he drives an Escalade Pickup. read that again. i guess he thinks it makes him more relatable to the working man, driving a truck that's never had anything in the bed of it, in a glistening shade of "pearl"? jackass.

(can't wait for fake christmas!!!)

TK said...

Branded - it's also powered by sheer awesomeness, I hear.

Meaux - full disclosure - we own an SUV. But it's a small, basic, efficient one. And we USE it, to haul stuff, and bikes, and kayaks!

Marra - I suspect the latter.

cajunkate - merci.

CCC - I am so excited for fake Christmas I might pee.

Julie said...

:looks sadly at my Humvee equipped with baby seal skin seats and aerosol rocket launchers:

Well hell.

MelodyLane said...

Julie: HA! I love Dennis Leary.

I had a nice sweet little Trailblazer. I haul things, like mulch and crap for other people.

Escalades are the SUV for those with little-man-syndrome. "Oh look at ME! I have an overpriced expensive car that is in no way compensating for the fact that I have a tiny penis!" It is also useful in the "I have my husband's (or ex-husband's) balls in a jar and this what I got! You are soo jealous right?"

I hate those people.

country roads said...

You know the difference between an Escalade and a horse?

The horse's asshole is on the outside.

kelsi said...

this is why i had a death ray installed in my car.
oh, wait. um.

Lora said...

I've been complaining about this to anyone who would listen. 19 mpg!! Ha!

Douches.

Ranylt said...

I have a ridiculous amount of money, and I'm basically telling the environment to go fuck itself. Seriously, suck my ass, Planet Earth. I've made a conscious decision to ostentatiously flaunt my wealth while simultaneously taking a shit on my children's future on this planet."

Sing it!