Thursday, April 03, 2008

Today is a good day to die

A Chronology of the Last Twelve Hours of My Life

9:00 PM: Finish my latest Pajiba review, email it in for editing.

9:10 PM: Go upstairs to find Mrs. TK watching a reality show about the Pussycat Dolls.

9:11 PM: Die inside.

9:20 PM: Contemplate divorce.

9:30 PM: Hate world.

9:45 PM: Watch final minutes of Celtics game.

10:15 PM: Go to sleep.


3:15AM: Wake up. Stare at ceiling.

3:30 AM: Try to will myself back to sleep.

3:31 AM: Fail. Hate world some more.

3:45 AM: Begin thinking about work by accident.

3:46 AM: Begin stressing out.

3:47 AM: Stare at Mrs. TK in murderous envy.

3:48 AM: Mutter "fuck it" under breath, get up, grab cell phone and book and move into guest room to begin reading.

4:40 AM: Finish book. Contemplate punching self out for the second time this year.

5:10 AM: Asleep

6:10 AM: Wake up. Curse God, shake fist at sky.

6:10 AM - 7:15 AM: Feed animals, shower, dress, kiss wife, leave house.

7:15 AM: Pull into gas station. Remind self to get coffee, donut, juice, windshield wiper fluid.

7:20 AM: Get back into car. Stare at bird shit on windshield, realize I've forgotten the fucking wiper fluid, get out of car.

7:25 AM: Spill wiper fluid on shoes and pants. Scream "FUCK" in front of minivan full of children and scared parents.

7:35 AM: While crossing overpass, see traffic at dead stop on the highway, with plume of smoke in the northern distance. Contemplate pulling over to cry.

7:36 AM: Get onto highway, put car in park. Think of ways to destroy the world.

7:50 AM: Traffic begins moving.

8:05 AM: Pass burnt-out shell of exploded car. Feel nothing, because the morning has made me dead inside.

***Zombie driving mode***

8:30 AM: Flock of wild turkeys (A Flock? Gaggle? Gobble? Wobble?) runs onto I-93 highway, causing swerving, breaking, screeching, honking, and one sideswipe accident. Hit turkey with car for the second time this year. Think about driving into guard rail, beginning murder spree.

8:45 AM: Spill coffee on shirt.

8:47 AM: Repeat.

9:00 AM: Park car, stumble towards office.

9:15 AM: Write this down.

Any and all explanations are welcome.

Listening to: Magnolia Electric Company - Give Something Else Away Every Day


New Texan said...

Well, uh... at least the Celtics won!

kelsi said...

if you're going to try punching yourself out, maybe you should keep a good blunt object on hand. maybe more efficient than punching?
insomnia makes me want to kill. i totally understand. but have no explanations for you.

Deutlich said...

that sounds like a fantastic way to start the day


Maxine Dangerous said...


Have you tried taking melatonin? A friend of mine swears by it. Brings about natural sleep with no sleeping pill hangover the next day. Available at most drugstores, I believe.

Also ... and I'm suggesting this as gently as possible, knowing full well that I only know you via BlogLand ... but maybe it's time for a career change? (Don't hurt me.)

Thinking of you and hoping things get better soon. I know some of what you're going through. Sleeplessness is the worst. I'm suffering from The Extreme Clumsy lately and keep dropping stuff. Brain tumor must be on the move. :]

p.s. "Platonic" was a suggested word replacement for "melatonin." I thought that was kind of funny. :]

Alex the Odd said...

I'd suggest the next step of "invite camera crew to follow self around" because seriously, you'd make millions on distribution rights alone.

Marvellous stuff.

country roads said...

Turkeys? Really? Jesus. You should invest in a bomb shelter or something.

But, at least you made it to work by 9:00. That's not bad....

Solomon Broad said...

You ran over a turkey?

Free food!

At leas you know how fresh it is. :)

dmbmeg said...

OMG that's so sad cause I'm having the best day EV-AR.

(note: I'm not really. This comment was left with the purpose to piss you off.)

Anonymous said...

9:12 AM: post on the wrong blog

9:42 AM: Realize mistake. Fix mistake. Shoot self in face with stapler.

TK said...

Tex - yeah, I'll take it.

Kelsi - i might try just throwing myself down the stairs.

Deutlich - Oh, absolutely. Try it sometime!

Max - Hmmm... melatonin... eeeenteresting...

Alex - oh, hush.

CR - Yeah, turkeys.


Dmbmeg - aw, Meggles, you're too sweet. Bitch.

Boo - Caught that, did you? Stupid shared authorship!

Manny said...

Explanation: You are the magnet to which weird shit hurtles towards at break neck speed.

Dude, it's shit like this that keeps me from stabbing myself in the eye with a stapler on a daily basis. Keep up the good work.

If you could somehow manage to put on your clothes backwards and walking into you office, that would be super.

Felicia said...

I think I'm in blog-love with you. You're fucking hilarious and you make me feel like less of a complete nut bag because I have similar murderous thoughts throughout my office-work day every damn day.

Girl With Curious Hair said...

First, I'm totally impressed that your TV didn't accidentally fall out the window last night.

And how can you run over wild turkey twice? Don't you live in a major metropolitan area?

Anonymous said...

Not too manny people get attacked twice in a year by a swarm of wild turkeys. You are special, kind sir. Special indeed.

TK said...

Manny - I once walked out of the house without shoes. Your wish is closer than you think.

Felecia - Yes. You are among friends.

Curious - NEAR. I live NEAR a major metro area... like 20 miles away. So I'm still sort of in the boonies. And the first turkey was on a small street near my house.

Harry - I am, aren't I? I feel like I deserve a medal or a plaque or something.

Hex said...

It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R... P!! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, Johnny, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this!"

Lainey said...

I don't know if this is an appropriate question or not, but are you still not smoking? 'Cause after this day, I'm not sure if I would blame you if you started again...

If you're still smoke-free, then bravo to you sir! Bravo. To. You.

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!"

Anonymous said...

It's a rafter of turkeys ;-)

Vanessa said...

Where is the crying, wailing, and gnashing of teeth?