A Chronology of the Last Twelve Hours of My Life
9:00 PM: Finish my latest Pajiba review, email it in for editing.
9:10 PM: Go upstairs to find Mrs. TK watching a reality show about the Pussycat Dolls.
9:11 PM: Die inside.
9:20 PM: Contemplate divorce.
9:30 PM: Hate world.
9:45 PM: Watch final minutes of Celtics game.
10:15 PM: Go to sleep.
3:15AM: Wake up. Stare at ceiling.
3:30 AM: Try to will myself back to sleep.
3:31 AM: Fail. Hate world some more.
3:45 AM: Begin thinking about work by accident.
3:46 AM: Begin stressing out.
3:47 AM: Stare at Mrs. TK in murderous envy.
3:48 AM: Mutter "fuck it" under breath, get up, grab cell phone and book and move into guest room to begin reading.
4:40 AM: Finish book. Contemplate punching self out for the second time this year.
5:10 AM: Asleep
6:10 AM: Wake up. Curse God, shake fist at sky.
6:10 AM - 7:15 AM: Feed animals, shower, dress, kiss wife, leave house.
7:15 AM: Pull into gas station. Remind self to get coffee, donut, juice, windshield wiper fluid.
7:20 AM: Get back into car. Stare at bird shit on windshield, realize I've forgotten the fucking wiper fluid, get out of car.
7:25 AM: Spill wiper fluid on shoes and pants. Scream "FUCK" in front of minivan full of children and scared parents.
7:35 AM: While crossing overpass, see traffic at dead stop on the highway, with plume of smoke in the northern distance. Contemplate pulling over to cry.
7:36 AM: Get onto highway, put car in park. Think of ways to destroy the world.
7:50 AM: Traffic begins moving.
8:05 AM: Pass burnt-out shell of exploded car. Feel nothing, because the morning has made me dead inside.
***Zombie driving mode***
8:30 AM: Flock of wild turkeys (A Flock? Gaggle? Gobble? Wobble?) runs onto I-93 highway, causing swerving, breaking, screeching, honking, and one sideswipe accident. Hit turkey with car for the second time this year. Think about driving into guard rail, beginning murder spree.
8:45 AM: Spill coffee on shirt.
8:47 AM: Repeat.
9:00 AM: Park car, stumble towards office.
9:15 AM: Write this down.
Any and all explanations are welcome.
Listening to: Magnolia Electric Company - Give Something Else Away Every Day