Universal Pictures to make at least 4 movies based on Hasbro toys or games.
Wait... what? Apparently, this is the real deal. And the games/toys in question are Monopoly, Battleship, Candy Land, or Stretch Armstrong.
I'm sorry, I'm gonna need a minute here.
OK, look. I'm not really one of those "such-and-such raped my childhood" types, who goes into a big kerfuffle every time something from my youth gets made into a big-budget craptavaganza movie. I don't give a shit about any or all of the games or toys listed above there. I didn't care about the Transformers movie, and I don't care that they're making a G.I. Joe movie. Because, if we can be honest with ourselves for a moment, our memories of these things are based on our mental states when we were 8 years old. And 8-year olds are fucking stupid. Seriously, at that age you're only a couple of years removed from eating dirt and pooping yourself.
If you go back now and watch any of those shows? They're completely moronic. Trust me. I watched an episode of Transformers recently and it was the dumbest thing I'd seen since Just My Luck (What? I was sick that day and couldn't find the remote! Oh, get fucked.)
So I'm not outraged about making fucking Candy Land into a movie. What I am, however, is seriously fucking perplexed. I mean... why? What possible storyline could you make out of fucking Candy Land? Or Monopoly? Studio executives have to know this, right? They have to know up front that whatever is produced is going to be complete garbage. And yet, there they go, charging ahead.
I mean, I'm not upset. I'm certainly not going to see the movies - I guess I'll probably get annoyed when I'm relentlessly bombarded by the inevitable marketing campaign of trailers and posters and toys and Super Bowl spots and the New Special Pink McDonalds Candy Land Slightly Less Unhealthy Than Eating Pure Mercury Flurry Ice Cream Super Snack. But let' be real about it for a second - I'm annoyed by pretty much everything. This isn't going to be what pushes me over the deep end (Now a live-action Akira... that might do it). I just don't see the point. The reason for doing it. There's no demand for it. There's no... anything, really. I'm just confused.
I suppose if this isn't comprehensive evidence that Hollywood studios don't have souls, I do not know what is.
Listening to: Thievery Corporation - Marching The Hate Machines Into The Sun (Feat The Flaming Lips)