Thursday, February 21, 2008

Let's start by making it clear... who is the enemy here.

Universal Pictures to make at least 4 movies based on Hasbro toys or games.

Wait... what? Apparently, this is the real deal. And the games/toys in question are Monopoly, Battleship, Candy Land, or Stretch Armstrong.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna need a minute here.

...

...

...

OK, look. I'm not really one of those "such-and-such raped my childhood" types, who goes into a big kerfuffle every time something from my youth gets made into a big-budget craptavaganza movie. I don't give a shit about any or all of the games or toys listed above there. I didn't care about the Transformers movie, and I don't care that they're making a G.I. Joe movie. Because, if we can be honest with ourselves for a moment, our memories of these things are based on our mental states when we were 8 years old. And 8-year olds are fucking stupid. Seriously, at that age you're only a couple of years removed from eating dirt and pooping yourself.

If you go back now and watch any of those shows? They're completely moronic. Trust me. I watched an episode of Transformers recently and it was the dumbest thing I'd seen since Just My Luck (What? I was sick that day and couldn't find the remote! Oh, get fucked.)

So I'm not outraged about making fucking Candy Land into a movie. What I am, however, is seriously fucking perplexed. I mean... why? What possible storyline could you make out of fucking Candy Land? Or Monopoly? Studio executives have to know this, right? They have to know up front that whatever is produced is going to be complete garbage. And yet, there they go, charging ahead.

I mean, I'm not upset. I'm certainly not going to see the movies - I guess I'll probably get annoyed when I'm relentlessly bombarded by the inevitable marketing campaign of trailers and posters and toys and Super Bowl spots and the New Special Pink McDonalds Candy Land Slightly Less Unhealthy Than Eating Pure Mercury Flurry Ice Cream Super Snack. But let' be real about it for a second - I'm annoyed by pretty much everything. This isn't going to be what pushes me over the deep end (Now a live-action Akira... that might do it). I just don't see the point. The reason for doing it. There's no demand for it. There's no... anything, really. I'm just confused.

I suppose if this isn't comprehensive evidence that Hollywood studios don't have souls, I do not know what is.


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Listening to: Thievery Corporation - Marching The Hate Machines Into The Sun (Feat The Flaming Lips)

15 comments:

New Texan said...

I don't know if it means that Hollywood lacks souls so much as it is definitive evidence that Hollywood lacks creativity.

Kolby said...

You were still pooping your pants at age 6?

TK said...

Tex - po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Kolby - Let's not get bogged down in minutiae, OK?

Alex the Odd said...

That was always my problem with the news of these kinds of movies. I mean Monopoly? Seriously? That's got to be potentially the most boring movie ever made. Or a High-School level economics lesson. Either way I'm not exactly bouncing with excitement over it.

Vermillion said...

You are right, Monseiur Poopy-Pants. How would they get a plot out of these games? Clue, that makes sense. Risk even sounds better than these choices.

Unless Monopoly is going to be a gritty expose into the dirty dealings of Atlantic City real estate, I just fon't know how it would work.

Idea: adding mobsters to Monopoly (the game). Like having a real criminal element that will blow up houses and hotels if protection money isn't paid. That would be awesome.

Daniel said...

I heard Ridley Scott's on board. I'm kind of having fun with the cast-list though..
Tom Cruise as The Top Hat (it rhymes with tw@t)
Sharon Stone as The Wheelbarrow
Kirsten Dunst as The Car (everyone gets a ride)
daniel Day-Lewis as Rich Uncle Pennybags
and what flop would be complete without Ms Lohan as The Boot?

survivingmyself said...

I hear you (and everyone) on Monopoly. I fucking hate Monopoly with a burning passion. Worst board game ever.

maybe the movie will just end abruptly to make it just like a real Monopoly game - because no one ever has the patience to finish the stupid fucking game.

survivingmyself said...

also - sorry - excellent choice for your avatar (is that the right word?) big trouble in little china is pure genius.

GiveEmHellHarry said...

I don't know. Right now I think Battleship would be the most tasteless. Hard to think, "You sank my battleship." is funny while a war is going on. Just sayin'.

Boo said...

Sometimes, I imagine you as having Chandler's voice...

Chandler from Friends. I know you know.

Mary said...

Meh. It worked for "Clue."

Manny said...

Also on the Hollywood Horizon...

Hungy Hungy Hippo's - A casual vacation takes a grisly turn when 4 teens are trapped in an African jungle and pursued by 4 carniverous hippos.

Operation - A routine operation goes horribly wrong when a surgeon shows up drunk for surgery carrying a steamer trunk full of his ex-wife's belongings.


Don't Wake Daddy - Two youngsters are forced to do the unthinkable when their divorce mom marries the perfect man. Little does she know that he harbors a terrible secret and will do anything to keep it. Torture porn and hijinks ensue.

You were still crapping yourself at age 6?

me said...

I can’t believe no one is talking about Stretch Armstrong. If that isn’t a Porn star just waiting to happen I don’t know what is.

Doorbell rings, skank ho opens the door and sees stud muffin holding 8 or 10 packages, “well hello Mr. Armstrong, thank you for delivering my packages, but however did you ring the doorbell”?
He raises an eyebrow, queue chicky pow music of your choice

country roads said...

The only way I'd watch candy land is if there were a bunch of naked chicks involved. Either on the screen or in the living room. I'm not picky.

Hollywood Sucker said...

I'm sure someone already mentioned this in a comment..but let's not forget about the movie version of Clue. That's entertaining-ish, in a "there's nothing else on and I'm hungover" sort of way. Right?

Anyway, just stopping by for the first time. Great stuff! Must put you on the ol' blog roll!