Let's start by making it clear... who is the enemy here.

Universal Pictures to make at least 4 movies based on Hasbro toys or games.

Wait... what? Apparently, this is the real deal. And the games/toys in question are Monopoly, Battleship, Candy Land, or Stretch Armstrong.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna need a minute here.

...

...

...

OK, look. I'm not really one of those "such-and-such raped my childhood" types, who goes into a big kerfuffle every time something from my youth gets made into a big-budget craptavaganza movie. I don't give a shit about any or all of the games or toys listed above there. I didn't care about the Transformers movie, and I don't care that they're making a G.I. Joe movie. Because, if we can be honest with ourselves for a moment, our memories of these things are based on our mental states when we were 8 years old. And 8-year olds are fucking stupid. Seriously, at that age you're only a couple of years removed from eating dirt and pooping yourself.

If you go back now and watch any of those shows? They're completely moronic. Trust me. I watched an episode of Transformers recently and it was the dumbest thing I'd seen since Just My Luck (What? I was sick that day and couldn't find the remote! Oh, get fucked.)

So I'm not outraged about making fucking Candy Land into a movie. What I am, however, is seriously fucking perplexed. I mean... why? What possible storyline could you make out of fucking Candy Land? Or Monopoly? Studio executives have to know this, right? They have to know up front that whatever is produced is going to be complete garbage. And yet, there they go, charging ahead.

I mean, I'm not upset. I'm certainly not going to see the movies - I guess I'll probably get annoyed when I'm relentlessly bombarded by the inevitable marketing campaign of trailers and posters and toys and Super Bowl spots and the New Special Pink McDonalds Candy Land Slightly Less Unhealthy Than Eating Pure Mercury Flurry Ice Cream Super Snack. But let' be real about it for a second - I'm annoyed by pretty much everything. This isn't going to be what pushes me over the deep end (Now a live-action Akira... that might do it). I just don't see the point. The reason for doing it. There's no demand for it. There's no... anything, really. I'm just confused.

I suppose if this isn't comprehensive evidence that Hollywood studios don't have souls, I do not know what is.


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Listening to: Thievery Corporation - Marching The Hate Machines Into The Sun (Feat The Flaming Lips)

I heard the news today, oh boy...

Dear CNN,

I get it. News media outlets are taking a beating these days. You've got too much competition, and there's too much information out there. Not to mention that you have to try to balance what's important with what's popular, and rarely do the two meet. However, this week, I and many others believe you've made a grave error. Yeah, I'm talking about this. Even though I don't always agree with him, he's one of the most engaging, intelligent writers I know of. And you canned him for being, well... engaging and intelligent, essentially.

But what's more important is - the man's got a pretty impressive readership. And by taking this action, it's entirely possible that you're going to open up a box that you won't be able to close. Word gets around, and this one is moving quickly. I suspect this won't be your first angry letter.

Just thought you should know.

Don't drive angry!

My quest to become Emperor of the Internet continues.

Clicky.

Eat, eat, you fucking jackals...

I can't actually believe I'm posting this. But due to my writing about it somewhere else, a couple of people have asked for this. "This" being the recipe for the beans and rice that I made on Sunday.

I have a fairly eclectic group of friends, all of which can cook pretty damn well. Our Super Bowl party (where everyone made something) consisted of St. Louis-stlye ribs, home-made corn dogs, some sort of Chinese-style deep fried pork, Chili, homemade cream cheese-filled chocolate cupcakes, and chicken wings with homemade barbecue sauce. And, the rice I made.

Incidentally, this recipe could end up a total disaster. I made the dish up on the spot, without measuring anything, so the measurements are just guesses. It's worth noting that this is ridiculously unhealthy, and possibly dangerous. It's also potentially spicy as a motherfucker, so be wary and reduce spicy stuff if you're a wuss sensitive. But my friends loooooved it (as did I), so here goes:

TK’s Glorious Rice and Beans of Super Bowl Failure

Ingredients:

1 Box Goya® Arroz Amorillo Spanish-style Yellow Rice (family size)

1 Ham Hock

¾ Pound Chicken Thighs (trim off as much fat as you can), cut into chunks

½ Pound Chorizo Sausage, cut into ¾” pieces

1 16 oz. Can Large Red Kidney Beans, drained

1 16 oz. Can Black Beans, drained

1 Red Bell Pepper, diced

1 Large Cubanelle Pepper, de-seeded, diced (Anaheim peppers would work nicely too)

2 Cayenne Peppers, dried, de-seeded, cut into the smallest possible pieces… as close to powder as you can make it (or just use powdered cayenne – I had grown and dried my own Cayennes, so it’s a little easier for me)

½ Onion, diced

1 Large Tomato, diced into chunks

Dried oregano to taste

Cumin

Coarse-ground black pepper, to taste

2 cloves garlic, chopped fine or minced

Cholula® Garlic Hot Sauce, to taste

Sylvia’s® Triple Pepper Hot Sauce, to taste

Peri-Peri hot sauce, to taste (you probably won’t find this anywhere – I brought it with me from South Africa. Either just use the other two, or find another kind).

Olive oil

Cooking Directions

Start by doing all the chopping, dicing, cutting, etc.

Begin to make rice as instructed on the box, except put the ham hock in the water when getting it to boil. Once the water is boiling, remove the hock with tongs and then add the rice. Follow the box instructions (reduce to simmer, cook for 25 minutes).

On a second burner, put ½ tablespoon olive oil and ½ the chopped garlic in a large pan or skillet to heat. Once garlic is bubbling, add chicken, oregano, cumin, black pepper and stir and cook until lightly browned and cooked throughout.

Remove chicken from the pan (I started out with large pieces and cooked them, the cut them up after cooking. Doesn’t really matter).

Keep an eye on the rice. When it's ready, either leave it in the pot you cooked it in or dump it into a casserole dish. Cover it to keep it warm.

If you removed most of the fat from the chicken thighs, there should be a small amount of fatty, garlicky goo left in the pan. I don’t know if this is healthy or not, but…

Add the chorizo to the goo, and let it cook on medium-high heat, until cooked through. Add already-cooked chicken, the three peppers (red bell, cubanelle, cayenne), onion, the remaining garlic, a bit more cumin (if you want), and as much of the various hot sauces as you can handle, and the ham hock from the boiling water. Cover and cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until onions and peppers are cooked, but don’t let them get squishy. Then reduce heat a bit and add the beans. Let them get hot, but don’t let them get to the point where they’re too soft. Continue adding hot sauce as you go, if you like. Remember, spicy food gets hotter over time, so if you’re going to have leftovers, they’re gonna get hotter. Be careful. Add the tomatoes at the very end, just to get them warm.

Once everything is cooked to your liking, remove the ham hock and discard. Drain as much of any excess fluid you can from the saucepan. Pour cooked rice into a large casserole dish, and then using a large serving spoon, add the meat/vegetable ingredients to the rice, stirring to mix as you go. Throw some cilantro on it, if you’ve got it, and if it’s not unhealthy enough, serve with some shredded cheese and/or sour cream.

Note: Don’t use any salt – between the chorizo and the hot sauces, there’s plenty of salt built-in. Any more and it would be grody.

Choose and perish

Let's play a little guessing game. Today, TK is:

A) Tired
B) Angry
C) Frustrated
D) Dejected
E) Hungover
F) Go fuck yourself
G) All of the above

Hey, whaddaya know. You guessed right.


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Listening to: Moby - Bring Back My Happiness