Friday, January 18, 2008

This constant compromise between thinking and breathing

I got nothing today. I've got something interesting coming up for next week, but for now, I'm just going with random crap.

1. Should I be concerned that the mens room in my office smells like bananas?

2. Smoking. It's been 18 days. I'm doing well. I've even succeeded in hanging around a couple of smoking friends. Wasn't comfortable, and I got a little twitchy, but overall, it went well. So things are progressing nicely. Except...

3. Insomnia. It's here, and it's here with a vengeance. It's hard to point to the cause, since as I've mentioned before, this is a relatively common issue with me. But I feel like I've probably had three or four nights of sleep in the last two weeks. It's getting brutal. Today I woke up at 3:00 AM, and lay there staring at the ceiling, trying to will myself back to sleep. And eventually, I did. I fell back asleep at about 5:30 AM. 30 minutes before my alarm went off. Awesome. No, really. Thanks for that, gods of sleep, you fucking bastards.

Have you ever had insomnia so badly that you start drifting into madness? I think it's starting to happen to me. It started out normally... and then I started thinking too much. I thought about work, and what projects I'm behind on. I thought about smoking. I then started thinking about whiskey, and what my favorite brands are. I thought about Irish vs. Bourbon, and decided I'm definitely more of an Irish whiskey kind of guy.

I then started listing my favorite John Carpenter movies, and then wondering how someone can make so many great movies, and yet still make Ghosts of Mars, arguably the worst movie about people possessed by homicidal Martians ever made. I decided to write something, eventually, about the best of John Carpenter. Then I started composing it in my head.

It went downhill from there. Finally, I glimpsed true madness. Have you ever been so tired, so completely and utter exhausted, and yet still not able to sleep? I started wondering (seriously): Could I punch myself hard enough to knock myself unconscious? I mean, I'm a relatively big person, and I'm sure, if I wasn't a complete pacifist, if I got my weight behind it, I could knock someone out. Sure, I might break my hand, but the point is - could I turn that on myself? I decided the physics and the angling just wouldn't work.

So instead I got up and went to the bathroom.

Upon exiting the bathroom, I thought... what if I just took a flying leap at the bed, and deliberately slammed my head into the wall above the bed? I'd get knocked out, and then just collapse onto the bed. It seemed a perfect plan, except it would probably wake (and completely freak out) Mrs. TK, who was sleeping soundly (damn her).

Then back to whiskey. I thought, "I've got a couple bottles downstairs. Maybe I'll just go drink a mess of whiskey and pass out." I abandoned this thought because a) I'd end up waking the beagle, who would promptly become a tiny, three-legged pain in the ass, and b) probably not the best plan when I have to be a work in four hours. I'd be like this by lunchtime:

Then, miraculously, I fell asleep without having to drink myself into submission or crack my skull. And then 30 minutes later my alarm went off. Despite my regular use of profanity on this blog, and my blatant disregard for religion, I couldn't possibly type out the words I used to curse at God. It was that bad. I mean, points for creativity, sure, but anytime you call the Lord Almighty a "worthless whoremongering shitfucking pedophile", and that's the least offensive phrase you used? You should probably just keep a lid on that shit and hope Ole' Big Pants in the Sky was busy monitoring something else. Um... and... apologies to any religious readers. It was an extreme circumstance.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is... I'm really fucking tired.

Listening to: Corinne Bailey Rae - Trouble Sleeping


Deutlich said...

There were a couple of months in which I had HORRRRRRIBLE insomnia and getting about as much sleep as you are. Fucked my shit all up. Hated.It.

Hope you're able to catch some good sleep in the near future. That mess is essential (uhm.. which you obviously know).

Anonymous said...

dude, i really hope you can get some sleep this weekend.

and the picture of that kitten in the food bowl is so cute, that i just squealed a little...

gah! i'm turning into a 12 year old Sanrio girlie. fuck.

litelysalted said...

If it makes you feel any better, I was woken at 4AM to the sound of a dog puking -- always a welcome sound in the middle of the night! I think I also fell back asleep about 15 minutes before my alarm went off.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

You poor little lamb. Can you get a prescription for ambien, or at least pop a few Tylenol PMs?

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Sorry 'bout the lack of sleep. I'm with you except my excuse is sick kids keeping me awake. I've thought about giving them away to Gypsy's, but that would be wrong. Wouldn't it?

I don't slip into madness with my lack of sleep. I turn into the bitch from Hell.

slouchmonkey said...

I used to suffer pretty serious insomnia. It happened about four times a year lasting three months at a time. Kidding. Actually, the quitting smoking caused some sleep loss.

I've played out so many scenarios in order to get to sleep.

One cure: have a baby.

I now sleep pretty soundly. When I sleep, of course.

Tiger Woods sleeps 3 hours a night.

Listening to: Rhythm, Awol One & Daddy Kev.

Anonymous said...

Ever wonder how Martha Stewart gets all her domestic shit done? She's an insomniac. And she's insane, but that's neither here nor there.

My professional opinion is that it's your body reacting to the recent nicotine flush. Hopefully everything will right itself soon.

I've been fighting that cold bitch Sleeplessness for a few weeks now myself thanks to my crazy toddler who suddenly decided to stop sleeping through the night. Now he occasionally wakes in hysterics. Good times!

One night I was so flippin tired and couldn't relax to sleep that I started bawling like a baby.

Simply Sleep is this momma's Little Helper; it puts me under just enough to help me get at least five good hours of snoozing.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Insomnia makes me do crazy crazy things....and I have to say, I'm an insomniac about.....75% of the time.

mindy said...

Ambien, my friend - and lots of it.

Also, that kitten is so damn cute I can hardly take it!

d said...

i'm with manda. i've been taking simply sleep every night for about a year and haven't had any trouble sleeping since.

it also helps if you take it with a belt of whisky.

Anonymous said...

I've done the whole try to force yourself to sleep thing. I grab a pillow and squeeze my eyes shut like I can force myself unconscious. Never works.

And your swearing at God made me laugh out loud.

QueBarbara said...

Have you ever had insomnia so badly that you start drifting into madness?
Yes, and I'm hesitant to mention it since I don't want to corrupt any insomniacs by suggestion, but sometimes I want to tear out my brain because it WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME SLEEP.

That didn't sound too crazy, right?

kelsi said...

i totally, totally feel your pain. i think it's just part of getting old. er. or something. because these days, i wake up every half hour and curse the clock that more time hasn't passed - and then curse again when the alarm goes off and there still hasn't been any sleeping.
if you go for the ambien approach, just be sure to lock up your foodstuffs. you don't want to get fat while sleep-eating.

MelodyLane said...

I love the point where you start hallucinating about random things.

I would like to wish you the best of luck with the continued quitting thing. Hopefully you get some sleep soon.

Also, the picture of the kitten is comparable to myself at work this last week.

country roads said...

I went through this last night, actually. Well, most nights if I don't drink a lot. Note to self: drink more, think less.

Jez said...

I think it might be the nic. But then again, only since I've been a manager in my profession (as opposed to a "specialist" or part of a team), I've lost complete nights of sleep where I lay there for 7-8 hours and don't get sleep. Then I go into work and everything is allright, then I just struggle through the day and make it home to go to bed early.

When this happens now (thankfully, only like once or twice since I got this sweet job), I get up and make a list of things I need to do the next day. This gives me a sense of control, and I usually drop off since I've basically dumped all that shit that was in my head to paper. I can't believe how fucking easy this was and wish I would have done it.

I lost a lot of sleep last night, as well, but I think it might have had something to do with the 8 beers and how pissed I was at the Packers fucking up that game. I think I'm over it now.

Manny said...

You know, I might actually feel bad for you if it weren't for the fact that you can walk into your living room and play Resistance any time you want to. Yeah, I'm still bitter.

Maxine Dangerous said...

*Hug* for you. Sleep deprivation is the worst. Maybe Valerian Root would help? (Not that you haven't already tried every remedy you can get your hands on. :))

Lora_3 said...

18 days! Way to go!

On the sleeping thing, well I quit last May and I'm still having problems with the sleeping thing. I've tried drinking too and it didn't help. LOL

Be safe...

Anonymous said...

I quit smoking at the end of November BECAUSE of insomnia - hadn't slept through the night in a year and a half, and I was SICK of it. The first 3 days were the worst, followed by the next three weeks. After that, I finally started sleeping better - a little more each night. My problem might be the opposite of yours - I can fall asleep, but can't stay asleep. I almost gave up and started smoking again, figuring "Fuck it, I'm still not sleeping, might as well light up while I'm awake," but I didn't. The sleep I get is better than when I was smoking, and I only wake up about once a night (only) - unless I've been drinking (alcohol screws with REM sleep as well). Not trying to sound preachy - just commiserating. Never thought I'd be so grateful to wake up ONLY once a night. It'll pass - and think of the money you can spend on other destructive habits!!!

Great review, by the way (got here via Pajiba).

Kolby said...

I have the same problem. I'm not normally a deep sleeper to begin with, but there'll be a couple of weeks every few months where I can't get more than 3 or 4 hours a night. I have a wild imagination, so that doesn't help me get back to sleep, especially if I've seen something strange or scary on TV (like the Half Man, Half Tree show the other day on Discovery).

Do you work out at all? I find that I sleep better when I'm more active during the day.

And the kitteh picture is beyond adorable.

Anonymous said...

I don't have the problem at the moment because of babies in the house wearing me out, but I'm 34 and I have dealt with insomnia since puberty. I have tried everything and you know what? For me, the best thing to do is just get up and do something. Write, read, (don't watch TV or surf because you'll only grill your already existing problem), call somebody in a different time zone.
The absolute WORST thing is to lay in bed awake, looking at the clock every 10 minutes, freaking out about the sleep your not getting and your upcoming day. I find the next day isn't so rough if I just let go and roll with the insomnia. I mean, I'm still tired as hell, but if I've saved myself a little stress somewhere, I win, right?

Anonymous said...

Felt compelled to write about the banana bathroom, which is probably the least important point of your post. They have these tricky little "Scent Sanitizer" things in bathrooms now that are awful. They look like doorbells, and every once in a while, when the time is write you'll be washing your hands and it will make this little "poof" sound and you'll think, WTF? And then? Bananas. Or cookies, as it was in my bathroom at the job before the last job. Why the hell do I want to pee in a room that smells like a kitchen?

Advice? Find and disable. I wonder if the old place ever got that thing workin' again...

Hey, maybe the satisfaction of destroying something will help you sleep. And we're full circle with the post.

Btw, came from Pajiba too- when this movie comes in my que thanks to your revie, my hubby is gonna give me the "shit, not another old movie" look and I'll blame you, K?

Anonymous said...

or, you know, when the time is RIGHT. Stupid brain.