Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Now we end up takin' the long way home, Lookin' overdressed wearin' buckets of stale cologne

Soooo... Mrs. TK and I, being the suburban wunderkinds that we are, were feeling hungry and cheap a few nights ago. And where do you go when you're hungry, broke, and want to watch baseball? Why, Applebee's of course!

As I've mentioned before, we live in super-suburbia. So of course there's an Applebee's, just like there are ubiquitous Dunkin' Donuts, car dealerships, friendly neighborhood convenience stores, barber shops named Joe's or Pete's, and little league parks. Our particular one is quite nice, as those things go. Except this night was a bit... unusual. Different, shall we say.

We went on a weeknight, took our seat in the bar section, ordered something to drink and started perusing the heart attack-inducing menu. As I'm glancing through it, the following conversation takes place:

Mrs. TK: Um... does anything about tonight strike you as odd?
Me: No.
MTK: Look around.
Me: (looks around) What? Just a bunch of guys watching the game. Looks like some construction workers.
MTK: Uh huh...
Me: Weird. Those two guys are sitting kind of close to each other... and... rubbing each others backs...
...
...
What the hell?
MTK: I think our Applebee's turned gay!
Me: What? Just because there's a gay couple here?
MTK: Keep looking....

And then we realize... I think we're the only straight couple in the room.

At Applebees.

In suburban Massachusetts. It was somewhat unusual. Our waiter was gay. The bartender? gay. Most of the patrons? Also gay. It was actually kind of awesome. Our "friendly neighborhood bar and grill" had come out of the closet! And it was a mix of nicely dressed, well coiffed gay men, and guys in dirty jeans and work boots with awesome Masshole accents. Picture this conversation, if you will, between a Masshole and the bartender (spelling to reflect the accent):

Masshole: What's up, kid.
Bartender: Oh, nothing.
Masshole: Dude, it's my fahkin' birthday on Satahday.
Bartender: Oh, that's so great! Congratulations!
Masshole: Yah, dude. We're gonna go out, get fahkin' bawmbed.
Bartender: Sweet!
Masshole: (Now rubbing the bartenders hand) Yah, dude. Fahkin, you should come out, kid. We're gonna have cocktails, mebbe go dancin' or some shit.
Bartender: Really? I'd love to!

I mean... talk about incongruous.

Anyway, I'm just glad my little suburb is open-minded enough to have this. It makes me quite happy, actually. Our friendly neighborhood Brokeback Applebee's!



Awww.
----------------
Listening to: Say Anything - The Writhing South

18 comments:

Cowboy the Cat said...

You may have discovered a heretofore well kept secret of the gay community. Kind of like Powerhouse Gym.

Lauren said...

Wow... I don't think I'll ever experience anything like that unless I move down to Austin or back to California. Well, maybe if I go to the Applebee's in Oak Lawn. But, that IS really cool... especially for a suburb. That'll never happen here in Texas, one of the few things that I don't like about my home state.

Maxine Dangerous said...

I can't believe I get to be the first person to say, "TK ... I wish I could quit you." :)

BTW, gay guys go to Applebee's. Lesbians go to Chili's. At least that's what the instructions in the latest newsletter stated. :)

New Texan said...

I am way more surprised that you went to an Applebees than the Applebees was full of gay guys.

A better story would have been "so I went to Applebees and Erig Gag-me was there... I poisoned his food and now he can't play in the ALCS."

Ugh..

onthevirg said...

Coincidence that you ended up with the beard, I mean wife, at an Applebees chock full'o gay people? I suspect not.

TK said...

Cowboy - Yes, and here I am telling everyone.

Lauren - I know. Everyone is going to be jealous of Brokeback Applebee's.

Max - Boy, I hope the editors don't get mad at you for telling.

Tex - [pained expression] I can't talk about this right now, ok? The pain is still too fresh.

OTV - Alright, look! I said I was sorry we didn't invite you. Don't get so upset. Next time, I promise. Now please stop harassing me for invitations.

New Texan said...

Brokeback Applebees doesn't roll off the tongue... how about Brokebacklebees?

The shit I do to keep my mind off the Sox...

Maxine Dangerous said...

Dear, dear TK ~ Remember, I'm supposed to recruit. Tsk! ;)

Manda said...

At our local Applebee's all we ever see are domestic altercations between the red of neck people. One night we witnessed some woman smash a glass of water up against her male companion's head after their rather heated debate. She stormed out of the joint, leaving him soaking and bruised.

Also, a large number of families with small children come in well past 11 o'clock and have dinner. It's weird. But then that's the RVA.

country roads said...

No wonder I got that free appetizer coupon from the bartender here. It's all making sense now.

mindy said...

I thought the gays had better taste than APPLEBEE'S...???

Manic Mom said...

Applebee's is soooo gay! Brokeback Applebee's... I LOVE IT!!

I found you because I googled a phrase and it took me to your post on Sept. 11 about loose, lose... I hate idiots who are grammatically impaired.

ALSO, want to beat the crap out of anyone who eats Ceasar salad or asks for a seperatebill... haha, I just realized I used two of my pet-peeves in an example that could very well be two gay guys in an Applebee's eating Ceasar salads and then ordering seperate checks...

blythe said...

how much do i miss northampton?! ttttthhhhhhiiiiiiiissssssss much. except it's all lesbians.

elyse the portuguese said...

Yeesh reading what your town was like was a little frightening.
Suburbia can be so bizarre. And apparently, it's the EXACT same place all over the country. Or at least in New England. But seriously, exactly the same.

But I have to wonder, why Applebees for the gay hang out? I mean really. Why not Chiles? Why not TGIFridays? Maybe I'm biased. I hate Applebees.

kelsi said...

but would you take your momma to gay applebee's, in an effort to show her what it's all about? that's the real question posed here.

Manny said...

And then you woke up with your thumb in your ass?

RottweilerTOM said...

yeah but my experience is your Bostonian accent really throws a curve ball to the lispy gays...

And as a gay man to a str8 man..thank you for acknowledging the need for a liberal society

..but I won't eat in Applebee's

Anonymous said...

I work at Applebees. Your description of Brokebacklebees is effin hilarious. I haven't laughed so hard in years! I guess if everyone in your Applebees is gay, you probably make good tips. And your customers probably dress well. I'll bet the bartender makes a hell of an Appletini. And sells alot of them too. Too funny!