Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I go to work like a boxer, train the brain and aim to outfox ya...

Dear applicants who have sent me resumes recently:

OK, look. I understand that I can be something of a jerk. And perhaps my standards are a bit too high. Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's me. But... if I could just take a teensy, tiny, little second of a moment to point out a few things? Would that be OK?

1. Please spell my name correctly.

2. Please spell the name of my agency correctly.

3. I understand that you are "eiger" to start a new position. However, you do not appear to be "eiger" to use a spell-check, you dumb fuck.

4. A beeper? Seriously? You left a beeper number as a contact number? I'm not looking for a drug dealer. (Although... let's talk later, OK?)

5. While the irony is delicious, I cannot, in good conscience, look closely at someone who wrote that they are "proficint in Microsoft Work." Thanks for playing, though.

6. OK, look. The apostrophe thing. It's (NOT "ITS") killing me. Absolutely killing me. Please, learn to use it properly? Before I explode? Look, there's a whole website about it. Read it. Learn it. Love it.

7. "I can manage meetings and maintain meeting materials masterfully." While I am basking in your alliterative glory, I only barely understand what this means. Also, was it deliberate? Because if it was, I either want to shake your hand or throw you off a bridge.

8. I also understand that you sometimes use the same cover letter for a variety of applications. However, it is important to point out that this is not the Museum of Fine Arts. You stupid bastard.

9. I like a comfortable work environment. So I can appreciate those who work towards that. However, can we talk about your interest in "building rappaport with those who I work with"? As in... Michael Rappaport? Because while I loved him in True Romance and Kiss of Death, I don't think he belongs in this agency. Especially since you plan on creating some sort of cyborg-Michael Rappaport with your co-workers. Because that will end badly for everyone.

10. Please spell your own name correctly.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

TK

Two notes:
1. Yes, someone did spell their name wrong. One way on the cover letter, another on the resume.

2. Shut up, Meg.

13 comments:

MelodyLane said...

You know that you could always shake the hand as you proceed to throw them off of a bridge.

Just saying.

New Texan said...

This made me laugh out loud... thanks.

Any chance that fate is going to smile on you once again and deliver ALCS tix?

Maxine Dangerous said...

BWHAHAHAHA! Oh, the frustrating day begins a sweeping turn towards becoming better... and seriously, a beeper. Wow. How 1990 of them! :D

Kerstin said...

When applying for positions before I moved, I can't tell you how absolutely obsessive/compulsive I got about making sure I sent the right cover letter to the right agency. I must have checked each cover letter 15 - 20 times.

girl with curious hair said...

You mean someone applied for a job and didn't know how to spell "TK"? Its just crazy, the things that people don't know!

You know how much I love your resume posts, right? They make my day better. They also inspire me to obsessively read and reread my resume. Hmmm, I wonder what you would say about my resume.

country roads said...

Was #7 on Dr. Seuss' resume? Seriously.

TK said...

Melody - the thought crossed my mind.

NT - Right now, it's a 75% chance I'm going on Friday, and a decent chance I go on Friday and Saturday.

Max - I know, right? I felt like I was reading a resume in New Jack City.

Kerstin - As well you should.

Curious - My services are available for a small fee.

CR - Yes. Whoville is hiring.

Lauren said...

I will never tire of your endless rants on resume etiquette. And now that I've spell-checked my comment for fear of your reprimand, I will go back to work.

Cowboy the Cat said...

"... and seriously, a beeper. Wow. How 1990 of them! :D"

This reminded me of a momma joke...

Your momma is so old she's got Jesus' beeper number.

Coincidentally, it was funny in 1990.

MelodyLane said...

Another question. How in the hell do you manage to misspell your own name two different ways? How damned dumb can a person be?

SB said...

First time I've seen this blog and I must say this:

Greatest. Screenshots. Ever.

Big Trouble in Little China is one of the most underrated yet unbelievably awesome movies ever.

Cool shit, dude.

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

Genius. Shear genius.

I shit you not kid, you had us here laughing so hard we were crying. My personal favorite -- cyborg Rappaport -- fuckin' nice job.

GiveEmHellHarry said...

There is an impressive level of stupid out there. Although the pager is better than calling and having their mommy answer the phone. I had to hang up before he got on the line.

PS: I concur about Big Trouble. Absolutely the finest work Kurt Russell has ever done.