Thursday, September 13, 2007

It'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night... mostly.

I know! Three posts in a single WEEK! It's like December all over again.

Don't get used to it.

But I'm going on a brutal stretch over the next few days and probably won't be near the internet...

Does that even make sense? "Near the internet?"

Whatever. Shut up. I told you not to question me in front of company.

ANYway. After work tomorrow, I'm barreling over to a friends house, packing a bunch of gear into a couple of cars, and heading out to the Berkshires to go camping. It's a friend of mine' bachelor party. I know, it's not the conventional bachelor party, but he's not a conventional friend. The most exciting part will be arriving at 9:00 at night, and then hiking a mile into the campsite with all our booze camping gear in pitch darkness*. And hoping to not get attacked by bears. It's also supposed to rain all weekend. Should be a blast. File this under "it seemed like a good idea at the time".

Look, I'm not scared of bears. And I love my friends. But all I'm saying is that IF there are bears, and one of them starts to feel punchy and come after us... I'm throwing a motherfucker to the ground in front of him. Just so you know. Should any of you meet me and there are bears nearby... I will totally toss your ass at him to save myself. It's important that you know these things.

Did I just use the phrase "toss your ass?"

Fuck it. I'm comfortable with that.

Anyway. Jesus, enough with the sidetracking already! AS I WAS SAYING. I'm going camping Friday, then burning rubber home on Sunday so I can shower, eat a sandwich, pack and drive to the airport and fly to Los Angeles. Where I shall spend 3 fun-filled days at a conference about how legislative changes are causing adjustments into our low-income housing tracking software.

That is exactly as exciting as it sounds. But on the bright side, it's L.A., which is easily one of the worst cities in the union.

So after tomorrow evening, I'm off the grid until Wednesday. Although, since I only post once every week or so, you probably won't even miss me. You rotten bastards.


*Fortunately, most of us have headlamps. Although, eight guys drunk in the wilderness with flashlights on their heads will most likely result in at least one of us getting blinded. And... um... does anyone know if bears are attracted to bright light?

Listening to: Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan & Michael Brook - Longing (Aki Nawaz Remix)


New Texan said...

Going in to the woods to fight bears seems like a strange way to avoid the anxiety of this week's Sox/Yanks series... but whatever. Do you what you need to do. As long as the Sox don't loose all three, we'll be fine.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Um, TK? Also file this under "Most Likely To Require Medical Intervention Of Some Sort, Probably Stitches Or Perhaps A Walking Cast."

Just a suggestion.

Dustin said...

A bachelor party in the woods? How much extra does it cost to get a stripper to hike out into the middle of nowhere? I guess, on the positive side, if you accidentally kill her (see Very Bad Things) you won't have very far to go to bury her.


TK said...

NT - I like your attitude. And don't think we won't be going crazy wondering about the score.

L & F - And thus, a new label is born.

Dustin - She's going in the trunk. Plenty of air in there.

onthevirg said...

I wish I wasn't in school (stupid edgumahkacion) I'd totally roll out to LA to drop you in South Central to win DMBMEG's contest...whatever the fuck that is.

Did I say that out loud? I meant drink with you. Yeah yeah...that's what I was trying to say.

Have fun w/ your wannabe Eagle Scout circle jerk. If I'm being to subtle, that sounds suuuupah gay.

kelsi said...

you know, you're totally right about los angeles being one of the worst cities in the union. i put it after only detroit and maybe des moines. and i've lived here for nearly 6 years.
otherwise - good luck with the bears.

Alex the Odd said...

Nope, I can't offer any kind of amusing or insightful comment. Mainly because my brain cannot comprehend why anyone would willingly go camping. You do realise that it's outside right?

country roads said...

just tie your food up on tree branches and away from you. Or to the guy that's really annoying and passes out know, either way.

TK said...

OTV - I know your real name, pal. I know where you live. And I want to win. So... sleep tight.

Kelsi - I would add Gary, IN and the entire state of Connecticut. And thanks for the well wishes.

Alex - not only is it outside, but it's gonna be cold and raining. I know, I know. You want to come too. Sorry, no girls.

Counry Roads - 1st idea - very good. 2nd idea - BRILLIANT.

Bella said...

What is it with guys and camping???

Have fun 'bonding' with the guys and whatever else you may encounter.


Maxine Dangerous said...

Camping RULES! Bears, however, do not. TK is to bears as I am to snakes. Okay, and bears too.

Have fun!

Anonymous said...

A few things of note:

bears are currently packing on the pounds for the long winter sleep. good luck with that.

i routinely take a gun with me when i go camping. and i'm camping this weekend. near you. so where orange and don't grunt, ok?

also, i would rather douse myself in honey, lay naked in front of a den and sing "when the bears go on a picnic" than go to whatever conference you are going to in LA.

just a mental image. don't die; i want baby boo to know his pappy, m'kay?

TK said...

Bella - I know. I mean, nature, alcohol, grilled food... I don't see the appeal either.

Max - Fortunately, I'm bringing a bear-proof suit. It's called the trunk of my car.

Boo - Two things.

1. I'm glad you are no longer disowning the child. A baby needs a momma.
2. Did you write "where orange" just to hurt me?

Did you?

Anonymous said...


I don't no what your talking about.

Alex the Odd said...

Psha, fine. But don't come crying to me when you've had both your legs and one side of your face clawed off by an angry grizzly bear. You'll find no sympathy in my direction Mr. "No girls allowed on our stuipid camping trip".

Lauren said...

I do believe that this is the most A.D.D. post I've ever seen from you, TK. Were you hopped up on something when you posted it? Or was there just something shiny nearby? Good luck with the camping. I LOVE camping!

TK said...


Alex - for someone who said theyn don't like camping, you're quite irate about not being invited.

Lauren - Thank you for showing Alex that plenty of women also like -


fear.of.landing said...

Okay, first there was the hanky codes and now "toss your ass" do you have a hidden agenda for this blog?

Also, I am sure that any lessons that you can learn about funded housing from L.A. will be incredibly relevant to the "gang" problem that you are experiencing. (It's like you are twin cities really)

MelodyLane said...

You know that Colbert identifies bears as the largest threat to humanity.

Does the love of camping and men relate to fire, beer, and the inane ability to act like a jackass out of public view?

Really, what gives with men and camping?

I, for the record, will be at home, trying not to throw stuff at my tv if that damned Roger Clemens commercial for Cingular wireless come on at any point during my weekend. If ever find out that is why he decided to come back, I might have that stroke earlier than expected.

slouchmonkey said...

The only problem with LA is the friggin people that move here to find themselves and have some self-mastabatory revelation about the world and their most righteous and self important place in it!

I'm a native so anyone who trashes my hood won't be given a star map and the guided tour of all the cool things. Like Chatsworth, home to the porn industry.

TK, I've read about your driving adventures. So, uh, good luck, I guess, uh driving here in LA. Save up your curse words!

Lisa said...

Ha- just found your blog and I cracked up at this post. Let me tell you though, it is somehow possible to be not near the internet. In the big city. Imagine trying to steal your neighbours wifi but you live in a prewar concrete wall building. Yeah, no getting near anything that way. It's as un-interneted as North America pre-vikings.
Good luck this weekend. I hear bears are allergic to bloody meat, so cook up the steaks!

Jez said...

So if you DO get eaten by a bear, how will we find out? You better have a ghost writer ready to go. I mean, think about're gone for like a week, and people are gonna start thinking, "TK hasn't posted in like 2 weeks, I wonder if a fucking bear got him!"

demondoll said...

I love camping. I don't love bears. I saw a car ripped open like Jiffy-Pop at Yosemite- nevermind.
Have a great time, and remember to throw ass!

Anonymous said...


Kerstin said...

I've now had 26 hits from the search term "gangbang kerstin".

I don't know whether to be happy or sad...