Until Morale Improves, The Beatings Will Continue

Here's one of those posts where I make myself sound like a raging asshole.

I'm hiring. Anyone need a job?

So my department has a couple of job openings. Which leads to one of my all-time favorite activities - resume reading! Never before have I participated in an activity which is simultaneously so awful and hilarious. Funny and infuriating. I'm consistently amazed at what people will put in a resume.

Here's the thing. Resumes are important. Particularly if you're looking for a professional job. I mean, if you're looking to get hired at the local Quickie Mart, then no, they don't have to look that good. But if you want a career, particularly one in a field as specific as mine (low-income housing), then you need to put a little effort into it. By the way, it's important to note that these are not entry level positions that we're looking for.

It's not helped by the fact that I'm hyper-critical of resumes. Here are a few things that will, unless there are some really good extenuating circumstances, get your resume automatically stuck at the bottom of the pile:

1. Spelling errors. People. Come on now. You type your resume on a computer. Your computer has a spell checker. USE THE FUCKING THING. This isn't a goddamn aintitcool forum, or your blog (ahem).
2. Type-O's. Nothing displays your inherent laziness more than typographical errors on your resume.
3. Mass-mailed resumes that aren't customized for the position you're applying for. This doesn't mean I don't think you should use the same resume for a variety of fields. But if you are going to do so, and you are applying for a job in, say, property management, you should probably NOT type "looking to find a position in legal advocacy requiring strong research and communication". Because that doesn't make any goddamn sense and you sound like a moron.
4. Excessive corporate jargon. I get it. You're a team player. You work in a fast-paced environment and like to multi-task and are multi-faceted and do a bunch of other multi-related shit. First, shut the fuck up. Second, get a thesaurus and use some original terminology. I swear, there are about 10 "resume terms" out there - multi-faceted, fast-paced environment, multi-tasking, work as part of a team, able to work independently, motivated, strong interpersonal skills, et fucking cetera. And it annoys me to no end when someone uses every. single. one, without actually telling me what they've done, and what they can do. Look, there are millions of people who can multi-task, OK? It's not like being able to fly a fighter jet. It's fine if you want to state that you're multi-taskilicious. But just spend a little bit of ink telling what real, actual skills you have, things you've accomplished.



I know, alright? I know I sound like an asshole. But I can't help myself. My theory is this: You are looking for a job. You want to impress the people who you might potentially work for. This simple sheet of paper is all they have for you to demonstrate why they should invite you in. So shouldn't you do everything within your power to show them, on that piece of paper, that you're smart and capable and have something that separates you from the rest of the pack?

I was looking at resumes and I swear to God there was someone who misspelled "education". I'm not making that up. So fine, it was a minor mistake. But if you're going to misspell something like that, on something as important as your resume, what does that say about how you're going to do going forward? You want to show me your attention to detail? Try spelling "detail" correctly, you fucking ignoramus. And no, I didn't make that one up either.

Oh, here are two more things that bug me:

5. People who try for funny. That may work if you're applying for a job at Second City, or at a record store, but not in an office.
6. Know your limits. If the position asks for 10 years of experience in a specific field, and you've been working at the Gap for the last 18 months and before that you finished your BA in Basket Weaving, maybe you need to look elsewhere. While we're at it, please don't tell me what high school you went to. I don't care. In fact, I barely care where you went to college, as long as you've got the right experience. Assuming you're not looking for a job as a doctor or lawyer or architect, where you went to college and what your GPA was matters for your first couple of jobs, and then? Not so much. I also don't care if you enjoy rock-climbing or origami.

Anyway. Sorry to rant. I know this may hold the record for most boring and non-blogworthy post, but I had to get it off my chest. So to lighten the mood a little more, and sound a little bit more like a raving dickhead, here are some of the funnier things I've found on resumes or cover letters:

• Someone wrote that because they live near Boston, they have a "good sense of the problems of the inner city." Where do they live? Chestnut Hill, one of the wealthiest and whitest areas in Eastern Massachusetts. Look, I don't care if you live in Chestnut Hill or in a van down by the river. Just don't bullshit me.
• "I have extensive supervisory skills. In my last job, I fired six people". Great, just what this agency needs - a trigger-happy shithead who's proud of firing people.
• "I'm an enthusiast person." Riiiight.
• "I'm a quike leaner." Super. I've been looking for a quike leaner.
• "Interests: reading, my cats." Um... the day I put the fact that I have pets on my resume? Kill me.
• Quick advice: If you're going to address the cover letter to a specific person, it behooves you to spell that person's name correctly. Just a thought.
• Another bit of advice - if your email address is sexxxygurrrl6969@aol.com... you may want to use a different email account. Again, not a deal-breaker, but it is a little weird.
  
• "I have excellent oral skills." God, do I wish I was making that up. No, I did not interview her, despite my co-worker's wishes.
  
• "I have applied for a position at your company five times and never been asked for an interview. This saddens me deeply and I feel I deserve a chance." Boo. Fucking. Hoo. There's a hint in there somewhere. Maybe, if you look hard enough, you'll find it.
• "While I have no experience in your particular field, I feel that my experience as a medical assistant gives me the skills I would need." Really? That's weird, because I'm confident that I am in NO WAY qualified to be a medical assistant.

I've got a million more, but I have to get back to the stack of resumes. And yes, I realize the irony inherent in blogging while I'm looking for a good employee. Shut it.


I promise my next post will have less bitchy snarkiness.

No thanks to the treadmill, no thanks to the grindstone

First of all, run over and read this. Then, we'll talk.

Litelysalted inspired me - let's talk about all the shit jobs we've worked. No one out there has made it through their lives without working a couple of absolutely awful jobs. So I'm issuing a challenge. Write a post about your worst jobs, and link it in either of our comments sections for all to see. And we can see who's had it the worst (though LS will be tough to beat - cleaning gas station bathrooms using toilet water? Using rotten chicken for chicken salad? I mean... seriously?).

So here we go:

1. When I was 16 I worked at a coffee shop. A really ritzy, fancy coffee shop in a really ritzy, fancy shopping mall. It was the ideal job for a bitter, constantly-high kid with purple hair and a disaffected attitude who wanted nothing more than to just go home, eat a pile of mescalin and listen to The Clash's Combat Rock on repeat. Constant abuse from the snobby rich, as well as constant criticism about my appearance from my boss. The highlight was this exchange with a customer.
TK: Welcome to Beans. Can I help you?
Dickhead: COD?
TK:? What?
DH: C - O - D! (in a "god, you're stupid" voice)
TK: Cod? Fish? What?
DH: C.O.D.!! Coffee Of the Day! You do work here, don't you? Guess you don't need to be smart, huh?
(Let's pause for a moment. If there was ever a way to guarantee that the staff will spit in your coffee, this is absolutely it. Just a word of advice.)
TK: Sorry, sir.
**makes coffee, spits in it**
TK: Have a nice day.

Yeah, I got fired eventually.

2. In college, I worked at a small machine parts assembly line. Basically, imagine a small piece of metal with a tiny hole in it. And imagine there is a tiny wooden peg, that kind of fits in that hole. Now imagine 200,000 pieces of metal, and 200,000 wooden pegs. Imagine sitting in a poorly lit room with a DEAFENINGLY LOUD air conditioner that neither cooled, nor conditioned, the air. And putting the peg in the hole. TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES. I lasted five weeks, and I'm positive it did more damage to my brain than all the alcohol, marijuana and hallucinogens I've ever done, combined.

3. Ah, the oft-mentioned college construction job. Every summer during college I worked for the Department of Public Works. This should actually be it's own post some day, because there are waaaaaay too many stories. This is also where the bulk of my scary work stories come from. But here are the highlights:

*I worked on a garbage truck. You wanna talk about smelly? Well, that's not the worst one.

*Because I also spent two weeks working on the sewer truck, aka "the shit truck". This is the truck that drives around fixing busted septic tanks and sewer pipes. It's... well, it's hell. It's a true, unblemished hell. My first day, we're driving around, we get a call. Mikey, the driver, looks at George, the other guy and says:
We got a call. Get the kid the glove.

The glove? Well, I already have gloves.

No. Not "a glove". "THE glove".

"The glove" is a thick rubber glove that goes up to your shoulder. In the interest of not driving you away screaming, I'll spare you further details. But I spent an afternoon in hip-waders and "the glove", swallowing my vomit back repeatedly. Use your imagination for the rest. And trust me when I tell you, whatever you're imagining? It was far, far worse than that.

*I also worked an asphalt paving crew. Because nothing is more fun that shoveling burning hot asphalt on a 90 degree day when you're hungover (what? I was 19. I was always hungover). Nothing beats blowing your nose and having it come out black. Nothing beats not caring about what you eat for lunch, because it all tastes like blacktop anyway.

*Oh, and - jackhammering? It's exactly as fun as it looks. Which is to say, you feel like a badass for the first 30 minutes. Then you feel like you're having a seizure. Then you feel numb. And deaf. And angry at your father.

4. And, of course, there was one professional job that sucked. It was a few years ago, when I lived in Philly. It had it's ups and downs. More downs, though. A few highlights:
*Arriving on my first day, asking for Miranda, my supervisor, and having the gum-cracking attitude beotch at the desk simply say: "she quit". Yes, my boss quit the week before. I asked what should I do? The answer? "I dunno. How should I know", and then she want back to reading the paper. Great way to start your first day in a new city.
*After being transferred to a new office in a less... desirable... part of town, I showed up for work one day to see a van come screeching to the curb and a full-blown S.W.A.T. team explode out the back door, spread out, and storm the house across the street. I mean, flak jackets, MP-5's, goggles, the whole bit.
*Finding yourself saying, on more than one occasion in the same week: "man, these motherfucking crackheads are really starting to piss me off", and having every. single. word be true.
*Having a supervisor who can't talk coherently or spell. Seriously. One time she sent me an email. It was one paragraph. I read it, then re-read it slowly. Then I printed it out and re-read it again. I had no idea what she was trying to say. I can't even tell you if she was asking me a question, or giving me a directive. It could have been a recipe for barbecued platypus, I have no idea.

I still think Litelysalted wins. But I've got some choice ones. So bring 'em out, kids. And Matt, despite it being a shit job, you're not allowed to list "attorney". Too obvious.

Mining is the most dangerous work
In our land today
Plenty of dirty, slaving work
For very little pay
Coalminers, won't you wake up,
And open your eyes and see
What this dirty capitalist system
Has done to you and me

From "Coalminers", by Uncle Tupelo, written by Sarah Ogan Gunning


UPDATE: Here are the other tales of woe in response to the Shitty Job Challenge:
Litelysalted
Hispanic! At The Disco
Slouchmonkey
Ranylt
My Taste in Wine Leans Towards Vodka
Girl With Curious Hair
Que Barbara Sera