Uncooked Meat

Future: Unknown

2009-09-29T10:20:00.004-04:00

As you've all probably figured out (the four or five of you that keep reading this site), I've become nothing short of hopeless at keeping this blog active. It's a combination of things - between real life, work, marriage, dogs, cycling, and generally enjoying life, as well as writing for Pajiba and (hopefully) continuing to write about music, I simply don't have the time.

Which sucks, because I love this blog. It's what got me started. I met some good... no, great because of it. I've done a surprising amount of soul-baring on it, some of which was so intense that I eventually went back and removed it - there are some things that should remain mine, I suppose. It helped me find a home at Pajiba, and introduced me to dozens, if not hundreds, of new people. I was surprised at the amount of attention it got - little by major blogging standards, but considering it was nothing more than stories about me hurting myself and pictures of my dogs, that was quite a shock.

But as of late, I've been neglecting the ol' Meat Factory. Which leads me to think that it might be time to let it die. I mean, we're in the 40th week of 2009, and this will be my 21st post. There was a time when I'd write 21 posts in a single month... but then again, I had a lot more spare time back then.

So it's not official yet, but it probably will be soon. We'll see.

Then again, you always know where to find me.

He's a big dumb animal, folks

2009-08-10T10:18:00.003-04:00

Sooo, yeah. It's not dead yet, this blog-type thing of mine. Not sure what the future holds for it, because between Facebook and Pajiba and everything else, I'm running out of things to write about. But I figured I'd let folks in on a little fun... and not-fun... that I had this weekend.

Went camping! Camping's always fun! Nothing ever goes wrong, right? And for two days, that was true. Hiking, sleeping in tents, throwing rocks in the river, watching my friends fall in said river, etc., etc. Oh, and drinking. There was a good bit of drinking.

Made it through two and a half days without injury or falling in the river. Saturday, we're hiking down the streambed, jumping across rocks, navigating around fallen trees, stuff like that. It was quite lovely, having a great time, until... I duck my head under a tree branch and feel something hit my head. Followed by a buzzing. Then a white-hot stabbing pain in my ear. Then my hand. Then it gets worse. I yell and scream, slapping at myself, and stagger back.

Wasps. I hit my head on a goddamn motherfucking wasp's nest.

Got stung once on the ear, once on the right arm, and five times on the left arm. Yeah. Seven times total. No bad reaction, other than a few welts that went away within 24 hours, racing adrenaline, and a complete lack of dignity. Man, those fuckers hurt.

Egads.

So, that's what I've been up to. You know, the usual.

Actually, there is something somewhat important. I'm doing a charity bike ride to support lung cancer research and awareness in October, and I need to raise some money for it. So if it's not too much trouble, click here and donate some, will ya? Or if you're a cheap bastard, then go to hell.

No, no, I didn't mean that.

Well, sort of.

Whatever. Click. Donate. Thank you.

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Now playing: Lamb Of God - Contractor
via FoxyTunes

The Greatest Film Ever Created

2009-06-12T12:43:00.002-04:00

OK, maybe not. But still, I reviewed it. Please to enjoy by doing the clicking here.

That is all.

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Now playing: Powerman 5000 - Swim With The Sharks
via FoxyTunes

Why It's Good That I'm Not Single

2009-05-22T09:07:00.004-04:00

Sooo... a story or two for y'all. Wednesday night, after a looooong ass day at work, I met a friend at the Paradise Rock Club in Boston to see the phenomenal Southern Culture on the Skids, as well as Los Straightjackets. The show was fantastic - Los Straightjackets were... well... They only speak spanish. And they wear suits. And Lucha Libre masks. And play instrumental surf guitar rock. And they kicked ass.

Yup. Awesome.

SCOTS was similarly excellent. But of course, that's not why I'm here today...

So. I'm standing there with my friend J, drinking a beer, bobbing my head and tapping my feet, when someone bumps into me. I turn to my left, and a girl looks at me and smiles. I promptly drop my beer onto the floor. Then I give one of those not-quite-laughs-more-like-the-cackle-of-a-mental-patient things. I pick up my beer (it was a can, thankfully). Try to drink some. Spill it on my shirt.

Needless to say, she looks mildly terrified and slowly starts to move away from me. And not just because of the puddle of Pabst that is slowly creeping towards her feet.

Sigh.

Eventually, we move to the other side of the club. J is a couple of steps in front of me, getting down and boogying. A different girl is walking past me. I step on her foot by accident. And this was even weirder. She stops, looks at me. I raise my hands and mouth "Sorry 'bout that."

You'd expect that she would either a) nod in acceptance and move on, or b) get pissy. Well, no. She for some reason opted for c) - wrap her arms around me and kiss me on the neck. I backpedaled frantically until I bumped into the bar. She untangles herself, looks at me cockeyed, and walks away. Minutes later, I tell J this story and he says, "You stepped on her foot and she tried to make out with you? Is that all it takes these days?"

Weird. Very, very weird.

Anyway. Happy Memorial Day, everyone.

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Now playing: The Sword - Lament for the Aurochs
via FoxyTunes

Consider me stunned

2009-05-20T12:15:00.003-04:00

I'm not even close to a Ben Folds fan... nor an A Cappella fan. Yet I reviewed the album that combines the two. Sometimes, I'm woefully unqualified for my job.

Anyway, click here for the review of Ben Folds Presents University A Cappella.

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Now playing: Ben Folds Presents: The Sacramento State Jazz Singers - Selfless, Cold and Composed (University A Cappella Version) [Explicit]
via FoxyTunes

Help Stop the Bleeding

2009-05-18T14:34:00.006-04:00

OK, OK, OK... so I haven't posted in a while. And by "in a while," I mean "since friggin' March." What can I say. I've been busy, between work and not-work and Pajiba and, you know, stuff. I'm trying to spend less time on the internet, now that the weather has changed for the better. We'll see how successful that is. BUT, that does sorta kind serve as a good segue into today's topic which is...

Your money. Specifically, I need you to give it to someone, for something important. My good buddy Virgil, of My Taste in Wine Leans Towards Vodka (a top contender for best blog name ever), is training for a charity bicycle ride to benefit people and kids with hemophilia. It's an important cause, and Virg is putting himself through hell to train for it. Why, you ask? Well, because it's no ordinary bike ride. It's the California Coastal Ride, and it's a week long. And it's almost 700 miles long.

Seven. Hundred. Miles. Long.

Yeah, I know. He's insane, and possibly on crack. Or both, I'm not sure. I mean, I'm a pretty avid cyclist, but I got tired just writing that. I rode 40 miles last weekend, and kind of wanted to die, so 700 miles is flat-out crazy. But, Virg was one of the big motivators who helped me become addicted to get into biking. I went from an out of shape slob to a slightly less out of shape slob, thanks in no small part to his advice, recommendations, and support. So I owe him big time.

That, coupled with the fact that it's an incredibly worthy cause (he was inspired by another rider friend of his, whose son has hemophilia). So, it's a good cause, and it helps kids. Which means you should help out, however you can, otherwise you hate children and the future. And the earth. And you don't want to be that person, do you?

Anyway, read Virg's post about it here, and then click over to here and donate, damnit! Yeah, I know, global economy in the tank, blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it. I said donate!

That's all for now. I hope you all are well.

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Now playing: The Legendary Shack Shakers - Help Me
via FoxyTunes

Farewell

2009-03-26T09:06:00.010-04:00

Rest in peace, Amanda (aka Alabama Pink).

I'm not great at eulogizing, so I'll leave it up to those more eloquent than I. Please click here. And here. And here. And here. And here. And most of all here, but... steady yourself before clicking on that one.

Finally, our Pajiba tribute is here.

Amid the chaos of that day, when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots, and all I could smell was the violence in the air, I look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true, that three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record:

You're so cool.

You're so cool.

You're so cool.

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Now playing: Gaslight Anthem - Even Cowgirls Get The Blues
via FoxyTunes

Back From Tejas

2009-03-19T18:15:00.005-04:00

Well, actually, I got back on Tuesday, but the last two days have been recovery days. Sweet mercy, what a trip. Easily one of the top five vacations ever. The Pajibites are the absolute balls, and we had a great time. Sure, I didn't see much music or movies, which, considering that it's a music and movie festival, is a little weird, but whatever.

Things I did do:

Get raving drunk. Repeatedly.

Eat a minimum of 7 burritos in four days.

Eat my weight in barbecue.

Avoid hard liquor, except for a couple of Jameson's with the Boozehound, Ted Boynton.

Get a new tattoo. My first impulse tattoo in a long time, and I love it. I was like the Pied Piper of tattoos - next thing you know, four others in our group had 'em as well. I take no responsibility, and will not accept angry phone calls from wives and/or mothers.

Saw Sam Raimi's upcoming horror flick, Drag Me To Hell. It was fantastic. Phenomenal. Scary and hilarious. I literally yelped at one point, much to the amusement of those around me (shut up, Henry). Anyway, I might review it for the site when it comes out, but either way, I look forward to seeing it again.

Words cannot convey the awesomeness

Anyway, that's the short version. It was exhausting, but great. Oh, and in case anyone's curious -- every news post I wrote for Pajiba this week, I wrote while drunk.

I think I need to dry out for a while.

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Now playing: ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - Days of Being Wild
via FoxyTunes

Greetings from Texas!

2009-03-15T13:36:00.002-04:00

Well, day one of my time at SXSW is now behind me. It's been... hectic. In a good way.

Friday night I went out with Mrs. TK and some friends for a fantastic dinner and drinks evening (to celebrate my birfday on Saturday), part of which included, I kid you not, grasshopper empanadas. With actual grasshoppers. They were goddamn delicious, so "ewww" all you want. Of course, we got home late, which made the fact that I had to be up at 3:30 AM the following morning all the more brutal.

But I soldiered through it, and with a surprisingly debacle-free journey, made it to Austin on time. One thing I did NOT realize until I was in the airport in Boston - it's Spring Break. Holy fuck. What a nightmare. 1000's of college kids swarming the airports, like hormonal locusts with poor diction. It was pretty crazy.

Anyway. Austin. I've yet to see any movies or music acts, but that's because for me yesterday was a mostly getting-to-know-you kind of day. Actually, a better description would be that it was a getting-to-know-you-by-getting-completely-shitbombed-with-you kind of day. But most of the Pajiba writers were there - Prisco, Rowles, Nosek, ShepRitz, Boozehound/Boynton, Freilich and Stephens. It was, in short, a fucking blast. I ate nothing but burritos for three meals (what? I like burritos, OK? DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!), drank... um... a bit, and a grand time was had by all. Got to meet a couple of Pajiba readers, who were awesome. Went to a dirt-hole of a karaoke bar and witnessed the glory of ShepRitz and Prisco singing "Bust a Move" and Dustin belting out a howlingly drunken rendition of "Sweet Caroline," complete with all of us providing backing vocals. It was quite a scene.

Anyway, that was Austin in brief. It's been grand. On today's docket: going to Ginny's Little Longhorn Saloon to see Dale Watson, as well as possibly play chickenshit bingo. What's that, you ask?

Yeah. I'm excited about it too. Tonight, I might catch a movie. Or I might just fire down some bbq and some cheap Texas beer and have a goddamned ball. Either way, I'm happy.

Movies and Music and Jobs and More Music

2009-03-10T12:14:00.003-04:00

Some stuff rattling around right now:

First, I wrote an article on Pajiba on my favorite instrumental songs. That is to say, not my favorite pieces, but my favorite songs by bands that usually sing, but in this instance, didn't. Oh, shut up and go read it. CLICK, punks!

Second, I'm hiring again. I'm mired in resumes, and it's fucking exhausting. I can't even begin to tell you how tiring it is. I was briefly toying with doing another goofy-assed resume post, but... it's different this time. It's actually really depressing this time around, because I know a lot of these applicants just lost their jobs to layoffs and downsizing and all the other casualties of a Bush-botched economy. So it's harder to take the usual amount of glee that I once did in reviewing them. I mean, this is an entry-level position. The last time I posted for it, I got about 25 responses. This time? 120. Most of them people completely unqualified, or worse, completely overqualified. It's pretty sad stuff. And thus, I'm not going to make a mockery of those people, even if they'll never know. It just wouldn't feel right. Sorry.

Third, SOUTH BY FUCKING SOUTHWEST!! For those who don't know, SXSW is a weeklong music and movie festival in Austin, TX, and I am going. On Saturday.

My broke ass could only afford to go for four days, but it should be a riotous four days. I'm meeting most of the Pajiba folks there, and it should be a rocking good time.

That's about it. Hell, that's quite a bit. Oh, I've got an album review going up tomorrow, too, so check Pajiba around noon for that tomorrow.

Adios.

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Now playing: Tommy Guerrero - organism
via FoxyTunes

Take a hike, Lynda Carter

2009-03-06T12:37:00.002-05:00

Because my geekiness knows no limit, I wrote a review of the new Wonder Woman animated movie over at Pajiba.

Oh, fucking shut it.

Click here for the review.

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Now playing: The Receiving End of Sirens - War of All Against All
via FoxyTunes

When all else fails... puppies

2009-03-01T10:04:00.002-05:00

Kneel before the cuteness:

I mean, seriously now. That's just freakin' ridiculous.

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Now playing: William Elliott Whitmore - There's Hope For You
via FoxyTunes

God and Cowboys

2009-02-25T13:31:00.004-05:00

In an unusual turn of events, I'm going to church tonight.

I realize this isn't that odd for many people, but for me it's pretty damn (oops!) unusual. But my uncle, who is one of my favorite uncles, recently moved here from South Africa. He's an Anglican priest and tonight, Ash Wednesday, he's giving his first service since he moved here. It's a big deal, and thus, I'm going. More as a show of support than because I've had some sort of religious epiphany.

In fact, not counting weddings, I haven't been inside a church since... 1993. In fact, that time was to see this same uncle. My mother and I had gone back to Cape Town to visit, and he invited us to go. It was... intense. A big reason for that intensity is that this was when Cape Town was still in the throes of Apartheid, and the day we arrived, Chris Hani, who was the leader of the South African Communist party, was assassinated, and as such the country was in even more turmoil than usual.

I suspect this will be far less intense and environment. But the truth is, I'm not a believer. I truly, honestly do not believe in a higher power, of any sort. So I always feel somewhat out of place in church, as if I'm invading somehow. I know that's not the way the other churchgoers feel, but it's inescapable to me. Anyway, I'm actually really looking forward to it. It's somewhat odd that I, a die-hard, unapologetic atheist, would be so close with so spiritual a man. Yet here we are. Some of the best, most interesting and intriguing conversations I've ever had have been with my uncle, so I always look forward to seeing him, regardless of the setting.

In anyway event, that's happening.

By the way - last week in Puerto Rico? Fabulous. Absolutely goddamn fantastic.

Finally, I wrote a review of Ben Nichols' album, The Last Pale Light In The West, that went up today. Click here to read it.

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Now playing: Ben Nichols - Davy Brown
via FoxyTunes

He's a big dumb animal, folks

2009-02-15T12:25:00.004-05:00

Three things:

1) I went to a pretty good show on Friday night. Primarily I went to see a band called Warship, whose album Supply and Depend was one of my favorites of last year. They opened for a really bizarre, black-robe-wearing, sword-and-sorcery singing band called Goblin Cock. No, I am not making that up. Both acts were really good, and as an added bonus, the third band, Big Bear, ended up surprising me to the extent that their album has now made it into steady rotation with me. I also ran into two different guys from my high school, which was too bizarre to comprehend.

2) Today's been a relatively busy day -- I did a bunch of work outside, now that much of the snow has finally melted. Then, I went to WalMart (ah, cram it). Yeah, this is gonna be one of those stories...

So we have a cat, named Oliver, pictured to the left, who is diabetic. As a result, he needs daily shots of insulin. We're running out of insulin syringes, so off I go to the WalMart pharmacy to get them. For whatever reason, I'm getting some odd looks from the other customers, but whatever. I get up to the counter, give them the namem and after giving me the stink eye momentarily, the pharmacist gets my box. I pay, I grab the box, and turn to leave... not realizing that the person behind me is standing awfully close to me. Anyway, I knock into her a little, and drop my stuff, and knock her crap (some tylenol, a bag of cookies, and some shitty looking romance novel) out of her hands as well. Next thing I know, I'm on my hands and knees, apologizing profusely, stammering and sweating as I do when I'm embarassed. The woman, and the pharmacist, is looking at me like I just exposed myself. That's when I sort of take it in... I'm kind of busted-looking. I haven't shaved in a couple of days, I certainly haven't showered today, I'm wearing a hideous (but ridiculously comfy) green hoodie that's basically covered in cat hair because one of the cats slept on it and I usually don't wear it out of the house, a beat-up Guinness baseball cap, and cargo pants that have what looks suspiciously like dog poo on one knee (like I said, I was working in the yard).

Clearly, I did not take the time to examine my appearance before I left. I realize now that's a step I should have included in my routine. I've learned from it. Let's move on.

So. There I am. Scrambling around, stuttering, dirty, with a box of spilled syringes on the floor of a WalMart. People are staring at me like I'm some sort of borderline-psychotic skeevy druggie. Awesome. I briefly consider screaming, "DON'T YOU JUDGE ME! MY CAT HAS DIABEETUS! DO YOU WANT HIM TO DIE?! DO YOU?!" But I don't, because there's no need to add WalMart to the already somewhat lengthy list of places I've been forcibly removed from.

Sigh. I need a vacation.

Oh, that's right. That leads us to number 3:

Did I mention we're going to the Caribbean tomorrow? No? Oh. Well, we are. So I'll be off the grid for a few days as I swim, bask in the sun, and drown myself in rum. Have a good week folks!

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Now playing: Jaguar Love - bats over the pacific ocean
via FoxyTunes

The Shape of Things to Come

2009-02-11T14:24:00.004-05:00

It is currently almost 60 degrees outside, sunny and beautiful. It's a preview of things to come, in the midst of a particularly rough winter. I went for a lovely walk during lunch, and it was gorgeous outside. Unfortunately, it just made going back to work worse. With that in mind, real quick-like, here are the things I'd rather be doing:

1) Hiking with Mrs. TK and the hounds

2) On my new bike, flying around as fast as I can

3) Sitting on the back porch, cold beer in hand, watching the dogs rumble

4) Sitting on Ervie's patio, watching the ships pass by in the harbor

5) Two words: Hammock. Nap.

*sigh*

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Now playing: Cee-Lo - All Day Love Affair
via FoxyTunes

Stay Away

2009-01-30T11:40:00.004-05:00

IM debacle that just took place between me and Ervie, who is contributing to an upcoming piece for Pajiba Music:

me: well, allow to toss another wrench into them there works

(allow ME)

Ervie: okay.

11:39 AM me: guitar solos? yay or nay? no big deal either way, but I need something done today.

Ervie: oh, fuck...

me: holy fuck. that was some no shit rhyming

Ervie: indeed!

me: anyway

FUCK

Ervie: gimme a little bit.

me: i can't stop!

11:40 AM Ervie: I can pull it together.

me: THIS IS SO... GAY!

okay

yay

kill me

Ervie: to-DAY?

me: GAH!

Ervie: in what way?

just kill or slay?

11:41 AM Ervie: please god go away

this is totally going on the blog

Yeah, so... not getting a lot done today.

DAMMIT!!

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Now playing: R.L. Burnside - Please Don't Stay
via FoxyTunes

Glam metal and porn!

2009-01-27T18:11:00.004-05:00

As usual, just a quick update:

First, please read the companion piece to last week's The Golden Age of Metal on Pajiba. Here it is, The Dark Age of Metal. Look upon it, and tremble...

And just for ha ha's: PG Porn!

Nailing Your Wife | Girls | SPIKE.com

And...

Roadside Ass-sistance | Girls | SPIKE.com

Ah, Nathan Fillion. Is there anything you can't do?

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Now playing: Mr. Bungle - The Girls Of Porn
via FoxyTunes

Metal Militia!

2009-01-21T12:43:00.002-05:00

I wrote an entire article on heavy metal from 1983-1991.

I probably should see some sort of specialist. Anyway, here it is.

Rock on.

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Now playing: A Static Lullaby - Everybody's Got a Lil' Fonz n' em
via FoxyTunes

Whole lotta stuff goin' on

2009-01-14T14:10:00.003-05:00

So I'll be brief.

Today has been a shit day because everyone is stupid. Everyone. Yes, you too. I'm literally blaming every single person on the planet for being stupid. I hate you all.

Not you, honey.

Anyway.

Couple of things: My five favorite albums of 2008 (with five runners-up) are here.

At 4:30, I reviewing a completely insane, ridiculous, yet hilariously amusing album at Pajiba. So check back then. Oh, and Sean reviewed the new Fall Out Boy here. That will be the last time that band is mentioned here, I promise. It's a damn good review though.

Back to contemplating murder. Later.

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Listening to: Fucked Up - Crooked Head
via FoxyTunes

Hilarity ensues

2009-01-09T09:17:00.001-05:00

Maybe it's just me. I dunno, you guys be the judge. But I was at my friendly neighborhood Eastern Mountain Sports last night (so! much! gear!.... thatiwantbutdon'tneed) and had to use their restroom after a day of waaaaaay too much coffee. Anyway, posted above the urinal is this sign:

I literally cackled while peeing, which was strange and uncomfortable and kind of almost messy. There is so much awesome in this one simple sign that I don't know how to begin. But I shall try:

1) That second sentence - I mean, damn. I thought that I overused the comma, but she is being flat-out abused there.

2) So, basically, this is telling us that we should not drink water from this toilet. Or any toilet in this facility (aka the Patriot Place Mall in Foxboro, MA).

... This is something that required notification? Does that imply that it's perfectly acceptable to drink from the toilet anywhere else? Just not here? Are fucking dogs shopping here?

3) In addition to the solid recommendation that we not drink the toilet water, they also suggest (rather passively I might add) that we avoid touching the toilet water. Thank God, because usually I head into a public restroom and promptly wash my face in the toilet. WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE?!

4) The Department Environmental Protection Policy Code is "BRP/DWM/PEP-POO-3." Seriously? The code for "don't drink or bathe in the toilet, you filthy bugger" ends in "PEP-POO"?? Say that out loud.

Now do it without giggling.

If you succeeded, you are far more mature than I am.

I love that, as a society, we need to be warned that we shouldn't drink or touch the toilet water because it's recycled water... not because IT'S FUCKING TOILET WATER YOU FUCKING SCUMBAG!!!!!!

Sigh.

Anyway, I had to share.

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Listening to: Drive-By Truckers - Why Henry Drinks
via FoxyTunes

Ramble

2009-01-08T16:21:00.003-05:00

I was going to make a new years resolution to get back to more blog posts this year, but we all know that'd be a fucking lie.

Anyway.

Here's a rundown of the best-selling albums of 2008. Approximately 50% of them are absolute bloody shitballs. The remaining 5 are somewhere between "not awful" and "sort of decent."

This is why I disdain the radio so. Also, why I hate humans. Seriously, what the fuck, people? What the hell are you listening to? Where did you learn that listening to Taylor Swift is acceptable? I mean, I get that I'm kind of a pretentious dick when it comes to music, but I genuinely like some pop music. But every year, I get more and more irate with the big names in popular music. And that's because people buy their albums. Which means I get more and more irate with people.

Hence, I don't like people.

But you all knew that.

Hey, you know what sucks? Buying a brand new, awesome bike in the middle of winter. I'm really enjoying sitting in my study and gazing at it adoringly, then looking outside at six inches of snow and cursing profusely.

Ah well. I'll get my outdoors fix on this weekend when I go hiking.

So, enough ramble. Hope you're all doing well. Was this the first post of the new year? I forget, and I'm too lazy to check. If it is, happy new year. If it's not, go screw.

Peace out!

Post Christmas Post

2008-12-27T20:48:00.004-05:00

Well, I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas and got lots of pretty. we had a great, relaxed Christmas day, and I've been eating turkey for two meals a day since then. It's fantastic. I got a new watch, which I will try very hard to NOT break, as I have broken each of the last... actually, all of them. Every single watch I've ever owned I've managed to break. This one is supposed to be quite sturdy, so let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we? Hey, on the bright side, I never lose them!

Other highlight gifts were a gift certificate to a great sushi restaurant, a phenomenal bottle of Scotch (Oban 14yr old), and, of course, the new bike which I hope to finally pick up soon.

Retard Update: We had a blackout last night -- I was home alone, watching The Dark Knight (another fabulous Christmas gift), and all of a sudden -- poof! No lights. I was in the basement, no flashlight, no nothin'. So I stumble around a little, kick over a small table, step on a cat, finally find the stairs and... fell. I landed three steps up.

Yeah. I fell up the stairs. It's sort of hard to explain. So I won't. Use your imagination.

Anyway, last but very not least -- I subscribe to Sports Illustrated, though sometimes I wonder why -- the writing is a little stuffy some times, and in general I find that I enjoy more off-color sports writing. But every now and then, they really nail it, and this week -- they fucking blew me away.

I admit it: I'm a huge fan of pit bulls. Almost every one I've met has been an absolutely phenomenal dog. And since we already know what a sucker for dogs I am, the Vick story really infuriated me (and I was thrilled to bits when he ended up in the clink). So it's no surprise that I can't recommend this article enough. Read it and weep. In a (mostly) good way.

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Now playing: Nellie McKay - The Dog Song
via FoxyTunes

Merry Merry, Happy Happy

2008-12-24T11:27:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone!

Well, Christmas eve at work is not what I'd call... productive. But just a couple of random notes:

Christmas plans: Me and Mrs. TK will be at home, alone, for the first time... ever. We've always either been out of town, or had company, or been traveling, or working, or something. This will mark the very first time in the 8 years we've been living together that we'll just wake up together, open presents, eat breakfast, all by our lonesome. I can't express how happy this makes me.

There is absolutely nothing funnier than watching a 3-legged beagle try to poop in 10 inches of snow. It's the highest of high comedy. Poor thing.

There is absolutely nothing less fun than trying to clear ten inches of frozen snow off a driveway after being out of town for the snowstorm.

That said, our trip to Philadelphia was a rousing success. Few travel delays, couple of outstanding holiday parties, got to stay with our favorite people, and got to hang out with Litelysalted herself. It was quite lovely.

Anyway, that's the news that's fit to print. Hope you all have fantastic holidays! Take care, be safe and be sure to eat yourself stupid.

-TK

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Listening to: The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping
via FoxyTunes

Misc.

2008-12-17T15:06:00.003-05:00

Jesus.

This kind of thing? Seriously messed up. Locking kids in a "seclusion room" when they misbehave? Particularly disabled kids? What the fuck, people. How is that productive? How can educational professionals reach a collective agreement that the best way to handle a problem - any problem - is to lock a kid in a room with little light or space?

From the article:

Michigan requires that a child held in seclusion have constant supervision from an instructor trained specifically in special education, and that confinement not exceed 15 minutes.

Connecticut education spokesman Tom Murphy said "time-out rooms" were used sparingly and were "usually small rooms with padding on the walls."

Only Vermont tracks how many children are kept in seclusion from year to year, though two other states, Minnesota and New Mexico, say they have been using the rooms less frequently in recent years.

Doesn't that seem like the kind of thing we should be monitoring, like, constantly? How often we're locking our children in boxes? Even if I'm willing to allow that there's some sort of educational/psychological reasoning for it. But to do it an not monitor them?

Let me tell you - when I was a kid in South Africa, I went to a school where we were beaten with canes for misbehaving. Part of me thinks that's actually more humane than this bullshit.

Mr. Duncan, sir, you have got your work cut out for you.

Well, that was just incredibly depressing.

In more upbeat news, 5:00 today is new release Wednesday at Pajiba Music. Please read, listen, have fun. We're also running a series on our favorite music releases of the year and our favorite discoveries of the year. Find all of it here.

And in even more upbeat news, we are leaving on Friday for Philadelphia to see friends and Mrs. TK's family. As an added bonus, we will be seeing none other than Ms. Litelysalted herself, Ms. Stacey Nosek.

No good can come of that.

Dear Tuesday Morning: Please feel free to go to hell

2008-12-09T10:56:00.003-05:00

It seemed like a reasonable morning today. I woke up, a little sleepy, but OK. No shower-related mishaps. Mrs. TK was kind enough to get up before me and take care of the animals, even though she has the day off.

Of course, as soon as I left the house, everything fell apart.

Got to Dunkin Donuts for my morning coffee. Parked the car. Grabbed the empty cup from yesterday's coffee and got out. On my way to the trashcan, I also got my wallet out, just to make sure I had money. I made my way into the Dunkies, got up to the counter, ordered my coffee and then I realized (along with Sonia, the very sweet woman who makes my coffee every morning) that I was standing there, expecting to pay with an empty coffee cup.

Because on my way inside, I had this weird, crossed-wire brain hiccup. And thus, I had apparently thrown my wallet into the trash.

Sigh.

The worst part is, this type of shit happens all the time. My brain can't handle two activities if it's too early. I mean, I've done things like pour juice right onto the counter because I forgot to take a glass out of the cupboard. I've put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal box in the fridge. For Christ's sake, I once walked out of the house on a winter day with no shoes on.

I should really never leave the house.

Anyway. I got to work and only spilled my coffee on myself once, which is a step up from yesterday. Walk into my office and... it's freezing. Awesome. Now, my office is always cold - I like to think it's God getting back at me for setting fires as a child.

But today, it was extra special super cold. So I grabbed the space heater that I swiped from the office of a guy we fired a few months ago, plugged it in, and turned it up just a wee, baby little bit. And promptly my office lost power.

As did the three offices next to mine.

Oh, and one of those? Belongs to my boss.

It's been a banner fuckin' morning, folks.

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Listening to: The Black Keys - 10 A.M. Automatic
via FoxyTunes

Good things, bad things

2008-12-03T16:15:00.002-05:00

Hey kids,

Sorry I've been somewhat absent lately. Don't take it personally. It's been an interesting week or so - between frantically scurrying around getting this Pajiba Music thing up and running, throwing out my back AGAIN this past weekend, having a friend come and visit, Thanksgiving, going to the Celtics game last Friday, seeing my sister's new play last night, and... oh! The new pretty. Please, feel free to ooh and aah:

Anyway, other than that, there are also a pair of music reviews coming up today by both me and two other great writers, Boo and Kelsi. The first is up now, and... I'm not proud of it. Frankly, listening to that album was more painful than hurting my back. That's an hour of my life that is stained permanently. I feel sick. Unclean. Read it here. The second batch of reviews will go up in about an hour.

T-DAY!

2008-11-26T16:24:00.003-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving (in advance) everyone! Hope you all eat yourselves retarded tomorrow - Lord knows I will. Mrs. TK is unfortunately working, so I'm doing the multiple house world tour thing tomorrow. But I figured I'd wish y'all a happy happy and all that.

Also, for those who were wondering, Chinese Democracy? Kinda sucks. Click here for the review, as well as a few other good reviews of far superior albums.

Later gators.

Bolt!

2008-11-24T20:30:00.002-05:00

Quick update: My review of Bolt went up today -- forgot to mention it until now. In any event, click here to read it.

In music news, two new writers have some great stuff up today and tomorrow... Boo, of Girl Named Boo, has a review of The Sword and Year Long Disaster in concert that's a fun as hell read - here it is. And new writer Shepard has an excellent piece going up on Tuesday. Be sure to check it out.

That's all for now. Get back to work, you lazy sods!

Welcome to my family

2008-11-21T09:46:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to post this for a while but got sidetracked. Some of you may remember a week or two ago I posted a review for American History X over at Pajiba. Well, ever since I've let my parents in on this gig, they've taken to reading the reviews. After the AHX review, I received an email from my dad that sums up our relationship beautifully. It read:

Hey Boy,

A little masterpiece. Superb writing. Wonderful character, acting and story analysis and a balanced assessment of the social pathology of Neo-Nazism (as reflected in this particular story) that I would find difficult to achieve.

Keep it up but don’t end a sentence with a preposition.

Love,

Dad

So first off, yes, at 33 years old, my father still calls me "Boy." Frankly, I don't mind and even find it quite endearing. Second, if you know my father, and know what an all-around brilliant mind he is, you can see why a message like this has me glowing with pride. And third, that final sentence is absolutely awesome. It's so "dad" it's almost comical. God, I love my dad.

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Listening to: Cat Stevens - Father and Son
via FoxyTunes

2008-11-19T10:12:00.003-05:00

Can we talk about stupid for a minute?

Let's go with this:

What you are looking at, in case it's unclear, is the 2009 Cadillac Escalade Hybrid. It's one of the largest SUV's around. In a hybrid. This has to be one of the dumbest fucking things I've ever seen. Basically, you've taken an overpriced, elitist beast of a machine and given it only slightly better mileage.

First of all, I can only assume that we all accept that the Escalade is a car designed for the vain and image-conscious, people who will likely NEVER use it for it's storage capacity or off-road capability. And no, piling in four kids for a soccer game does not fucking count. Seriously, when's the last time you saw an Escalade actually carrying anything? Towing anything? Anything on the roof? No? Didn't think so. People who buy luxury SUV's infuriate me, because a) they have no idea how to drive them and b) it's just stupid. Buying a luxury SUV in this day and age is essentially saying, "I have a ridiculous amount of money, and I'm basically telling the environment to go fuck itself. Seriously, suck my ass, Planet Earth. I've made a conscious decision to ostentatiously flaunt my wealth while simultaneously taking a shit on my children's future on this planet."

Oh ho! But now it's in a hybrid! Now, you can say, "I have even MORE money, money that I don't even know how to spend. I don't give a fuck about the environment, but I read somewhere that other people care. And since my image is so goddamn important, I'd like to at least pretend that I give a shit. So I'll continue to buy massive, overpriced bohemoths on wheels, but this one's a hybrid! Sure, it still doesn't even get 20 miles to the gallon, it's still a danger to other drivers, but now I can act like I'm actually a good person."

I apologize for this out-of-nowhere rant, but I saw one on my way to work this morning and almost exploded in my car.

Anyway, as a random aside, there's a few new music reviews going up on Pajiba at 5PM EST today. Please check 'em out.

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Listening to: Warship - Profit Over People
via FoxyTunes

Rock You Like a Hurricane

2008-11-13T17:11:00.004-05:00

Hi kids,

Quick announcement (again) - some of you may know that in between reviewing movies about necrophilia and writing about spilling on myself, I also write for a music site called The Music is the Message. Well, Pajiba has graciously asked me to become their music editor, and as such, I'll be diverting my musical attentions over there to work on their new music section! Exciting, n0?

Anyway, here is the official Pajiba announcement. I'm sure I'll drive this into the ground in a couple weeks, if I don't fall down a flight of stairs or break my ass mountain biking first, but until then, please do come by and read!

Tonight I go to see The Reverend Horton Heat, and I'm so excited I might pee myself.

Love is about craving

2008-11-12T13:49:00.003-05:00

Just a quick programmatic post: A new review went up on Pajiba for Kissed, a movie about, well... necrophilia. Sort of. It's complicated. Look, just click here and read the fucking thing, OK?

Tune in tomorrow for interesting news.

dun Dun DUN!

Fighting the fight

2008-11-11T15:27:00.002-05:00

Jesus Christ, Keith Olbermann.

It's perhaps a little overwrought and over emotional, but godDAMN if it isn't fucking brilliant. It says everything I've been thinking, only but far more eloquently.

Watch the whole thing, people.

Well said. Anyone who honestly doesn't think that Proposition 8 is a gargantuan stumble back towards a darker age and an insult to the the institution of marriage, straight OR gay... well, I don't even know why you're reading this.

*Thanks to Tarhearted.

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Now playing: Wax Poetic - Angels feat. Norah Jones
via FoxyTunes

The Better Angels of Our Nature

2008-11-07T08:30:00.004-05:00

I'm still kind of reeling from Tuesday. I haven't really watched anything other than MSNBC and a few minutes of the Celtics. I feel like Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann live in my house, I'm watching them so much. The whole thing is just too much for me to absorb in a few days.

Anyway, I'm heading out to Cleveland this afternoon, where sadly, I will not see Mr. Brian Prisco, despite him being there as well. Bummer. We're going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, though! And Sunday is the Drive By Truckers concert, so expect updates both here and on The Music is the Message. Oh, and I've got a doozy of a review coming next week as well on Pajiba, so stick around, OK?

Speaking of which, here's the link to yesterday's review. Just click here. Sort of an odd choice given this week's events, but also amazingly appropriate... I mention this in the review, but it's worth reiterating simply for the fun of it. The quote from Lincoln's inaugural address that Danny Vinyard, played by Edward Furlong, uses at the end of American History X is the exact same quote that President-Elect Obama (chills, I tell you, chills whenever I say or type that) used in his victory speech. Which gives me an excuse to paste that quote again, as it's one of my all time favorites.

“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave, to every living heart and hearth-stone, all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”

Take care and have a great weekend everyone.

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Listening to: The Little Willies - Best of All Possible Worlds
via FoxyTunes

Brother's Gonna Work it Out

2008-11-05T06:04:00.009-05:00

FUCK. YES.

As most of you know, I for the most part avoid blogging about politics other than the minor jabs here and there, and issues that affect me on a fundamental, personal level. There's no denying that last night was an historic moment, and as a result, it's worth noting here and elsewhere. It was strangely anticlimactic in a way - I watched the results from the comfort of my house, either on the couch in the earlier hours, or tucked into bed later on. But it was a moving and affecting night. Oddly, it wasn't until this morning, when I heard Obama's speech in full, that it truly hit me, andI found myself sitting in traffic on I-93, with tears on my face.

This wasn't only an election about race - in fact, the issues at hand were far more wide-ranging and critical in some ways. It was about the economy and war and the way things were and the way things should be. It was about all of those things. But, that said, to disregard the momentousness of a black man becoming president is disingenuous and even ignorant.

It may come as a surprise to many, but I truly didn't think it would happen in my lifetime. My father, who I routinely discuss politics with, felt the same. It's odd - we're probably the two most radical, leftist people we know, and yet that has also created a deeply ingrained cynicism that is hard to move past. Given the history of our homeland of South Africa, both where it's been and where it's going, as well as the blunders made in the U.S., it's hard to face the future with anything but skepticism, if not an outright pessimistic fatalism. And while I certainly don't believe that everything is going to be alright now, that our problems will be solved and the world is on the path to righteousness and harmony and that birds will sing and people will dance in the streets, I suppose I can't but help feel that at least now, finally, for the first time in a long time, we are on the right path.

The election of Barack Obama as the 44th President is truly an incredible moment in my life, and hopefully yours. I can now proudly say that there are two clear, shining moments that show that there is hope for the future of race relations, and that there is just hope, period. The release, and subsequent election, of Nelson Mandela was the first. And now, the election of Barack Hussein Obama.

That's all I've got.

Thanks for reading.

-TK

One last thing - no day like this is complete without the requisite soundtrack. So please, please, click HERE.

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Listening to: Ladysmith Black Mambazo - Amazing Grace / Nearer My God to Thee
via FoxyTunes

Updates and miscellany and VOTE!

2008-11-04T08:54:00.002-05:00

I've got some serious hectic times ahead. Spent Sunday and Monday at the wonderful home of Dustin Rowles, friend and editor of Pajiba. They are, despite what you may have heard, lovely people with a ridiculously cute son. Friday we leave for Cleveland, where despite being within a paltry few miles of each other, I will not be seeing Brian Prisco.

Sunday we return, and I begin my whirlwind concert tour - three concerts in six days. The Drive-By Truckers and the Hold Steady on Sunday, The Reverend Horton Heat with Nashville Pussy on Thursday, and Murder By Death with William Elliott Whitmore on Saturday. That should be sufficiently exhausting.

Also, I've got a music post up today, so click here. And a BMaT post went up Saturday, so by all means, click here if you're not sick of me yet. If you are... well, go screw.

Oh, and even though I can't due to my lack of citizenship, I'd appreciate it if you'd get out there and vote, folks. Do it for me. (psst - if you are going to vote for me, I'd appreciate it if you voted for the colored fella)

Our Logic Collapses on the Subatomic Level... Into Ghosts and Shadows

2008-10-30T14:20:00.002-04:00

Halloween ain't what it once was for me. I used to get really into it... well... I used to use it as an excuse to get dressed up and go on mini suburban rampages. I admit, I was one of those kids growing up - I could chuck an egg with stunning accuracy. Once college rolled around, I basically lost all interest in Halloween. I didn't like the pressure to dress up, and since I wasn't much of a big-party guy - I preferred to do my drinking with small groups of serious drinkers - I pretty much gave up on it.

However, in my new-found (and moderately disconcerting) suburban lifestyle, I have found some joy in simply staying home and handing out candy. I don't dress up or anything, but I do get a kick out of watching the kids get into it.

That said, the first little reprobate who throws anything at my house is gonna get an assfull of my foot.

Anyway. All of that was a long, dull segue into this week's Pajiba review. I enjoyed writing this more than anything I've written. Hope you enjoy reading it.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

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Listening to: The Misfits - Die, Die My Darling
via FoxyTunes

HEY!!!!

2008-10-27T14:51:00.003-04:00

Because it deserves to be shouted from the fucking rooftops:

Pajiba interviews Kevin Smith.

Yes, that Kevin Smith.

Click here. Do it. Do it NOW.

Once Again Back Is The Incredible...

2008-10-23T09:29:00.003-04:00

Couple of quick bits. I'm finally back to writing on the various sites that I continue to over-extend myself on.

If you're interested, I did a post on TMITM, about three bands that tried to change and as a result, became worse for the effort. Click here, please.

And I completed my reviews of the trilogy of “Terror from Underwater!” movies with another personal weekend favorite, Deep Rising. I'd post a picture of the movie poster, but Blogger is being a bastard right now. Fucking jerk.

Anyway, click here for the review.

End of line.

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Listening to: Groove Armada - Madder
via FoxyTunes

Your dirty sex makes God send hurricanes

2008-10-20T12:24:00.004-04:00

This might be the funniest thing currently on the internet.

Brilliant, no? The perfect fuck you to that reactionary pigfucker O'Reilly. But wait, there's more!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Wheee!

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Listening to: From Autumn to Ashes - Capeside Rock

So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, goodbye

2008-10-16T10:22:00.003-04:00

First off, thanks to everyone who was incredibly kind with their words, thoughts and actions over the last few days. It was very appreciated. The funeral was, as can be imagined, probably one of the hardest days of my life - it's difficult to describe how devastated our family is by the loss. I'm not going to write a big emotional piece about it, because it's family stuff and some things aren't for public dissemination. Not to mention, it's simply too painful. But as with all things, it gets a teeny bit easier with each day.

But I'll try to end things on a lighter note:

This morning my mom left, which is always an incredibly difficult, challenging, teary affair. I love my mom so much, and saying goodbye is simply awful. So there we stand, arms wrapped around each other, kisses on the cheek and forehead. And then, it's time for her to go. I give her one last hug, one last kiss on the cheek, and reach down to pick up her luggage for her...

... and split the crotch of my pants.

I shit you not. I am sitting in my office with a four inch rip going right over my junkular region. If you'll excuse me, I need to go pick up some slacks.

Take care everyone.

2008-10-11T21:04:00.001-04:00

Rest in peace.

Speechless

2008-10-04T22:36:00.003-04:00

I'm going to be out of touch for a while. My aunt, whose family is the only family I have in Massachusetts, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on Friday. Her family and my sister are the only family I have in the US.

She was also my mother's twin, and obviously we're pretty devastated by this. My sister is flying in on Sunday, and my mom and some other family are flying in from Cape Town later in the week. It's not going to be an easy week, and while I'm always happy to see my mother, the circumstances are quite awful.

Regardless, it goes without saying that this will basically put everything - work, blogging, commenting, movie reviews, the works - on hiatus for a while.

Anyway. Hope everyone is well. I'll catch up with you all later.

And I'm back...

2008-10-02T23:11:00.004-04:00

Well, my trip to Denver was spectacularly boring. Basically, it consisted of the following schedule:

6 AM - Wake up
7 AM - Eat gross buffet breakfast
8 AM - Attend sessions on Low-Income Housing Software and Regulatory Changes Affecting It
12 PM - Lunch
1 PM - Back to sessions
4:30 - Go to room, beat head against wall.
4:35 - Go to teeny tiny hotel gym
6:00 -Shower, change
6:30 - Go to bar. Eat sandwich. Drink six beers. Watch baseball. Drunk-dial Mrs. TK.
9:00 - Stumble back to hotel, fall asleep.

Rinse, fucking repeat. Every single day.

Also? While I accept that I saw very little of it, Denver was kind of... dull. Perhaps if I'd had more time.

But, in a shocking turn of events, the travel was completely and utterly uneventful. No repeats of the Salad Dressing Incident, and certainly nothing like the Batteries/Water-Spitting Incident. In fact, my flight back to Boston actually landed early. I feel like either a) it's the karmic wheel finally righting things, or b) it's karma just being a cruel bitch, and a plane is going to crash into my car en route to work or something tomorrow.

The coolest part was definitely when I landed. The Red Sox game was in full swing, and I'm obviously dying to know the score. I bolt off the plane, find my car, turn on the radio and... we're losing.

Balls.

I get in, start driving, get out of the tunnel and... Jason Bay cranks one, and we take the lead! Promptly followed by a text message from my friend Jen (aka the greatest friend in the history of friends) inviting me to game three on Sunday.

Not a bad way to return home.

I did have a review go up on Wednesday, for one of my favorite Shakespeare adaptations, Titus. Click here to read it, if you please.

Also, I just finished watching the VP debate. I loathe Sarah Palin. Loathe. She was so goddamn smug and artificial and folksy and "oh, I'm a maaaaverick" that I literally chipped a molar from grinding my teeth while watching.

Gah.

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Now playing: Ministry - So What
via FoxyTunes

RIP Paul Newman

2008-09-27T14:43:00.001-04:00

1925 - 2008

One of my all-time favorite actors. I wrote a brief little retrospective on Pajiba. Click here to read if you wish. Have a great weekend.

Yar. Ye be comipletely insane.

2008-09-26T09:14:00.003-04:00

Welcome to my world.

My wife, though I love her dearly, is clearly wearing her crazypants today. She worked an overnight shift last night, so we didn't see each other last night or this morning. I got to work today with an email that simply said, "Ahoy, matey! Whar's me cookie?"

Since "Talk Like a Pirate Day" was last Friday, I thought she was either late to the game, or confused and trying to find our baked goods. Sadly, none of those are true. Because attached to the email, was this:

Get it? Three-legged dog? Pirate costume?

Oh, bloody hell.

Anyway. I'll be in Denver, CO from Sunday to Wednesday, so likely this'll be the last you hear of me for a few days. God knows what the dogs will be dressed in when I get home.

Have a good whatever.

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Listening to: Monty Burns - See My Vest

Black people and white kids

2008-09-25T08:40:00.004-04:00

One of those days where everything happens at once.

So if you're interested, here's my piece on so-called "black music." By which I mean, black artists who defy the stereotypes shoved down our throats by MTV, pop radio, and their respective devil spawn.

And to switch gears completely, here's my review of one of the best teen comedies of all time, Can't Hardly Wait.

Please to enjoy.

Crash Into Me

2008-09-22T09:39:00.006-04:00

So, some of you may know that this spring, I took up cycling. I actually charged into it pretty seriously, trying to average about 70-100 miles per week. It's been great fun, and I certainly feel better overall.

Of course, I also took up not just road biking, but mountain biking occasionally. You know, rough terrain, dangerous trails, rocks, roots, all that fun stuff.

You can probably tell where this is going.

Anyway, Saturday I went for a ride to F. Gilbert Hills State Forest in Foxboro, MA. It's a beautiful park, and I was meandering through it and stopped to look at a trail map. Another mountain biker came upon me and very nicely asked if I knew where I was going. When I responded that I did not, but wasn't too worried, he said, "Well, if you want, you can ride along with me. I know the park pretty well."

"How nice," I thought. "A fellow rider offering assistance!"

So I accepted his offer, and off we went. It took roughly 90 seconds for me to realize that this guy was WAY more advanced than me. WAY MORE. We took trails that was absolutely not ready for, super technical stuff, trails with six foot drops, crazy inclines, just ridiculous all around. I did my best to keep up - I may take a while, but I don't quit. I also dumped the bike a bunch of times. Mostly minor stuff, but two of them were absolutely epic. The first one happened right in front of him - I was flying down a hill, and my front tire got wedged between two rocks, resulting the the rear of the bike flying up into the air, pitching me headfirst into open space. I literally went ass-over-teakettle, and crashed into a tree, then a pile of rocks. The bike actually landed in front of me.

This is why we wear helmets, boys and girls.

My new friend sat on his bike, watching it happen. I staggered to my feet, helmet askew, bloody shins, and he grinned crazily, said "Wow!" and then headed back to the trail. I picked myself up, got back on the bike and took off after him. About 20 minutes later, and had a similar crash - I went flying, only this time the bike landed ON me. I eventually caught up to my "buddy," and he stopped, stared at my chest for a couple minutes and then said, amazed, "Is that... is that a tire track... on your chest?!?! I've never even heard of something like that!"

Sure enough, it was. Hey, if it was gonna happen to anyone, it was gonna happen to me. I have to admit, it was painful, brutal stuff... but I had a goddamn blast. I usually stay on the easier trails, but this was... fun. In it's own crazy, dangerous way.

Sunday I headed to out to slightly easier (translation: less dangerous) for more riding. A couple of minor crunches, but no amazing feats of crashing. I did, however, come upon some pretty stunning scenery:

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Listening to: Alexi Murdoch - Dream About Flying

Thursday's gratuitous liberalism and random movie rage

2008-09-18T13:50:00.001-04:00

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Peace Patroller, also known as an anti-war liberal or neo-hippie. You believe in putting an end to American imperial conquest, stopping wars that have already been lost, and supporting our troops by bringing them home.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

Wow. That's... surprisingly accurate. Found via today's Pajiba Love.

Speaking of The 'Jiba, I've got a review up today, for easily the worst movie I've seen in a long time.

Yes, this actually exists. Think of the worst thing you can imagine, multiply it by a billion.

It's worse than that.

Click here to read my rage.

Camping recap

2008-09-15T19:40:00.006-04:00

Well, we survived our time in the wilds of New Hampshire. Actually, it was a spectacular success for the most part. Gorgeous site, great area, didn't see any people for three days. We had a few (minor!)mishaps - overshooting the turn to the trail to our campsite and hiking an unnecessary half-mile (while weighed down with about 40 pounds of gear... each). I probably tripped over tent stakes about a dozen times. I also managed to smash my shin into a downed tree and bruise myself nicely. But nothing that required stitches or hospitalization which, for those who know me, is something of a back-patworthy feat.

And before Mrs. TK starts harping about it, because I know she will, I did NOT DROP A KAYAK ON HER HEAD. SHE SLIPPED, GODDAMNIT. Don't anyone believe a word she says. She is a deceiver and spreader of lies.

Anyway. We got there Thursday afternoon, after succeeding in making the drive without the kayaks ripping the roof off the truck and causing a horror show on I-93. Hiked our gear into the site, and man... it. was. fucking. spectacular. See for yourself:

The view from the site, and me looking at that view

Kayaks and our little inlet

The view from the kayaks

We then kayaked in the remaining gear, explored a bit, and made dinner.

Day 2 consisted of a hike in the morning:

The view from the top.

Catapult in the making

Me on the move

Baby salamanders!

Freaky caterpillar

Our hike was followed by a trip in the kayaks, exploring the little network of ponds and lakes... until it started to rain. Now, some of you may remember our last little disaster of a camping trip. THIS time, we had a tent that didn't leak, so we stuck it out and actually had a great night despite the pouring rain.

Saturday, however... we were supposed to switch to another campground, since the first one wasn't available over the weekend. So we drove up to Bear Brook State Park and... it pretty much sucked. Like, really sucked. Kids everywhere, campsites right on top of each other, RV's, loud music, rednecks drinking beer at 11:00 in the morning... just the complete opposite of what our first three days of quiet bliss had been. So we said fuck it, swallowed the 20 bucks, and headed back to Massachusetts. The day wasn't a bust though - we stopped at a nearby reservation and went kayaking through a relatively unknown section of the Charles River, which was lovely.

Anyway, that's the recap. Thanks for indulging me. And once again, she slipped, goddamnit!

Out of the Office

2008-09-10T11:13:00.003-04:00

Enjoy your week folks. Starting Thursday, I will be out of the office, away from the internet, turning off the cell phone and basically completely off the grid until Sunday evening. Mrs. TK and I are going on a little camping/kayaking adventure to Washington, NH. You all be careful, OK?

Leave a message at the beep. Peace out.

*Beep!*

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Listening to: The Go! Team - Bottle Rocket

Madness

2008-09-07T18:22:00.007-04:00

Yesterday I saw something the likes of which I'd never seen before. Something terrifying, yet fascinating. Something wondrous, yet horrible. Something that may well be literally evil.

Yesterday, I went to a Bass Pro Fishing Shop.

Sweet boinking piss Christ on a jelly donut.

It was... it was complete and utter spectacle. So much camo! So many fishing rods! So many... douchebags! So... many... fishing rods. So many creepy fake animals and humans posed in bizarre hunting dioramas!

What's that? Of fucking course I took pictures!

Hey brother moose! Yeah, I'm just loungin', you know, maxin'. Yourself?

Figured I'd get a little fishin' done in this creepy fake stream!

Mmm... giant floating boat... and NASCAR!

Fuck me. Please don't be real.

Yeah. It was a little weird. But, you know, a man's gotta get his ammo somewhere. I kid, of course. No, I was there to get scupper plugs for our new, super duper awesome kayaks. But still. It was a little Redneck Twilight Zone, you know. I mean, it actually seemed like by simply crossing the threshold, people developed a Southern accent. I don't say that to bash Southerners. I'm being serious. I'm in fucking Foxboro, Massachusetts and all of a sudden the Massholes are evolving... or devolving... into hicks. It was somewhat disturbing. Like a giant Target, but more rednecky.

For God's sake, there was a shewtin' range! SHEWTIN', people!

I'll tell you one thing - I was easily the darkest person in there by several shades.

Anyway, it was pretty bizarre. Almost as bizarre as this:

Hmm? What? What's that? You've never seen a giant-ass fucking CANNON on the back of a pick-up truck with a "For Sale" sign on it? In a quiet Massachusetts suburban neighborhood? (although, in truth - where would this be normal?) Well, this was around the corner from our house. I almost wanted to find out how much it went for. Almost.

I swear, the world around me is smoking toads. I'm just trying to keep up.

Anyway. Fuck it, here's the puppy.

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Now playing: Cursive - The Great Decay
via FoxyTunes

Three Days to the Weekend

2008-09-04T09:57:00.003-04:00

Ah, the glorious three-day work week. Yes, Monday was Labor Day and Tuesday was a vacation day, as we had friends in town to visit, the super-awesome C's! A grand time was had, despite the fact that Mrs. TK and I were somewhat sick for much of the weekend. Highlights of the weekend include:

Half-drunk Trivial Pursuit that demonstrated once again that my brain does not function the way a normal brain does. For example: I roll. I land on the color blue.

Mrs. C: What color?
TK: Four.
Mrs. C, Mr. C: What?
TK: I mean ONE!
Mrs. C, Mr. C, Mrs. TK: WHAT?!?
TK: Fuck. I mean Pink!
TK: FUCK! BLUE! I MEAN BLUE!!
Mrs. C, Mr. C, Mrs. TK: Holy shit.

Cue hysterical laughing.

Also, walking the Freedom Trail becomes much more amusing when it is merged with a bar crawl. I plan on doing it again some day when I'm not ill and really give it a go.

Finally, we must have watched the trailer for Bolt a half-dozen times, because that damn hamster left us in tears.

A great weekend overall.

PS - I've got today's post at The Music Is The Message. Please check it out and read about one of my absolute favorite artists ever. Click here, and thanks.

PPS - Update. I also did the 12:00 Pajiba Love entry for today, so check it out if you get bored.

Schadenfreude

2008-09-01T20:55:00.001-04:00

Some jokes don't need punchlines.

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Now playing: From Autumn to Ashes - Love It or Left It
via FoxyTunes

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt. That's the first thing they teach you.

2008-08-28T14:40:00.000-04:00

A modern classic. Read the review here.

2008-08-18T15:53:00.003-04:00

We are in a lot of trouble.

Zombies.

Vampires.

Remain calm.

All is well.

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Listening to: Thrice - The Messenger

Tremble You Weaklings, Cower in Fear

2008-08-15T09:10:00.004-04:00

Few things:

1) I forgot to tell you a story from a couple of weeks ago. Friday, I got out of work and was heading over to a friend's house to watch some baseball. Traffic was a brute. It was hot as balls. I had brought a pair of shorts and flip-flops to change into. The car wasn't going anywhere, traffic was so bad. So, instead of melting in the front seat, I decided to just change into my shorts right there. Which, after a great deal of thrashing and bumping and accidentally honking the horn and knocking over my iced coffee, I finally succeeded in doing. It's worth mentioning that in addition to all of these goofy shenanigans, my music was blaring, so I could barely hear anything.

Anyway, I finished changing, and next thing I knew, a balled-up dollar bill came sailing through my window. I looked out and... well, there sat an SUV full of girls, laughing hysterically. I probably turned as red as I possibly can, and sheepishly offered them back their dollar. The one riding shotgun yelled out the window, "YOU EARNED IT!"

Oy.

Anyway.

2) I've got two posts going up today. One is already up at The Music Is The Message, where I embarrass myself even more than I just did in telling that story. We've started a new Friday theme, this one being "Guilty Pleasures." Please try not to laugh too hard. We all have secrets, people. Oh, fine. Go ahead and laugh, you fucking jerks. Here's a little taste:

Finally, I've got a review going up at 1:00 on Pajiba. It's one of my all-time favorite movies, and I hope you'll enjoy it. Fortunately, this one is not embarrassing. Thank GOD. Here, I'll give you a little hint:

Have a bitchin' weekend.

Welcome, my friend, to the machine

2008-08-13T14:01:00.002-04:00

Hello there.

So, just a couple of quick things: we have a new writer over at The Music is the Message. Please welcome Bear, otherwise known as The Ursine Calamity. His first post went up today.

I almost killed our temp yesterday. She's quite nice, if a bit quiet. I have a tendency to come bursting out of my office, which I did yesterday after a fairly urgent matter came out. She was walking down the hallway. I... um... "bumped" isn't really the right word. I smashed into her and sent her flying into the printer table. She doesn't appear to be permanently injured, however.

Anyway, I though people might like to know these things.

The Continued Adventures of Tart and Audrey

2008-08-05T21:25:00.006-04:00

Look, we're still not keeping her, OK? But since everybody won't shut up about it...

(click to enlarge them)

I'll stop posting pictures of kittens and three-legged beagles when they stop being so goddamn cute.

Manda, I'm going to do my best to ensure that her new owners call her Tart.

Random crap

2008-08-04T09:02:00.005-04:00

Weekend Update:

I'm sorry to say, folks, that Tart has found a home... and it's not mine. As adorable as she is, she's going to live with a great guy that Mrs. TK works with, a veterinary nurse and his girlfriend. We've got her for the remainder of the week, during which I'll continue to spoil her rotten, but come Friday, she's gonzo.

Saturday I bought this:

Hey there, sexy

It's not some super-fancy $1,000+ bike, but it's still awesome - especially when compared to my old beater of a bike. I'm already looking forward to seriously injuring myself on it. Bought on Saturday, already put 40 miles on him. I'm definitely loving it. So yeah, yesterday I rode for 25 miles... and then we went kayaking. It was probably the most active day I've had in my entire life. I'm feeling a little banged up today, I admit.

I wrote another post on The Music Is The Message. Click here to read it.

Saturday night a friend and I went to a Boston Cannons lacrosse game. For those who may not know, the Cannons play for the professional lacrosse league. It was pretty fun, even though it was somewhat rainy so there were only a couple thousand people there. Of course, I'd had a bit of whiskey before hand, but I kept myself in check (it's VERY family friendly and there were a lot of kids). Highlights included the halftime show, which was two little league lacrosse teams playing a quick, 10 minute game. They were probably 8-10 years old and straddled the line between cute and hilarious. The temptation to stand up and scream "YOU SUCK WINCHESTER!" was strong, but I held back. At one point, we had the following conversation:

TK: Is it bad that I kinda want to see one of these kids get completely cleaned out?
My Friend: Yes. Well... yes.
TK: Well, I'm not saying I want them to have to roll an ambulance onto the field...
MF: You just want to see someone get knocked around.
TK: Exactly, just get their bell rung a little.

There are myriad reasons why I don't go out in public very often. Also, why I don't have children.

She pads, paws... pads, paws and claws

2008-07-27T14:42:00.005-04:00

Everyone likes a cute kitten, right? Well, here's one for you:

This is No Name Kitten. She is roughly 4-5 weeks old, and was born on a farm, and then apparently fell on her head. She is, as Mrs. TK artfully put it, "Dain Bramaged." So much so that when I first met her, she couldn't see, couldn't walk, couldn't do much of anything except lie there and cry and twitch. So, of course, she is temporarily staying with us while she rehabilitates. It's actually been pretty cool, watching her re-learn everything from eating to seeing to walking. After a couple of days, she could move around, but her wiring was clearly faulty. She would try to walk, and her back legs would kick up over her head and she'd basically accidentally somersault. It was simultaneously sad and hilarious.

Fortunately, the dogs seem to like her. Here she is hiding:

She's much better now, she can walk/stumble without somersaulting, and while she still runs into things pretty regularly, she doesn't fall down nearly as much. She is No Name Kitten because I believe that as soon as you name an animal, you are tempted to keep it, and I can't take on another member to the pack. So No Name Kitten will, after a few more days, have to find someone else to take care of her. It shouldn't be hard, since a) she won't be retarded for much longer and b) she's fucking adorable.

But until then:

She should be fine. Also, she should be plenty clean since Audrey the Beagle enjoys constantly licking her.

Couple more notes on the weekend:

We went shopping on Saturday and when we got back on the highway, got caught up in a horrendous traffic snare. Why? Because the highway was jammed up with people going to... a Kenny Chesney concert. Sigh. There are few things more upsetting that watching a bunch of New Englanders suddenly acting "country" because they're going to see some douchebag country singer. People in cowboy hats, plaid shirts with the sleeves ripped off - I wanted to kill everyone on the road. There was even a car with "Kenny Chesney #1 Fan!!" written in white on their rear window. Incidentally, that car was full of guys. Die, all of you. Please. Needless to say, Chesney does NOT belong here. Instead, I'd rather he was here.

But, as a neat little segue, last week I wrote a post on The Music is the Message about "screamy music." Over the weekend, I was looking up a bunch of the bands that people recommended in the comments section, including a band called Gallows, recommended by an anonymous reader. So I found and downloaded an album... and was sort of baffled. Well, come to find out there are two bands by that name. One, this band a British hardcore punk band that when I finally tracked them down, is actually fucking awesome (thanks, Anon!).

The other, the band I dl'd by accident, is this band, whose music was this sort of lazy, laid back hillbilly porch music that, to be honest, I really liked. I might even put them on the list. Clearly, based on the album art, they are totally dissimilar.

So, by happy accident, I discovered two new (and completely different) bands.

And that was my weekend. Kittens and music. Not bad.

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Listening to: Grizzly Bear - Marla

I don't like you because you're dangerous.

2008-07-24T14:35:00.001-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, the pinnacle of 80's silliness:

Click here.

Also, click here for a great write up on a really awesome band. Better still, they're from my nape of the neck. Neck of the woods. Whatever.

That's all I got.

I had a dream I was a vigilante's side kick

2008-07-21T08:07:00.008-04:00

Top Five Comic Book Movies:

5. The Crow - I pretty much explained why here.

4a: Spider-Man II - Succeeds in being engaging, exciting and fun as well.

4b: Blade - Snipes mastered everything about this role - the movements, the darkness, the general badassery, the whole thing. The second one ain't bad either.

3: Superman II - Kneel before Zod!

2: Iron Man - Perhaps not the strongest film on the list (though still damn good), but Downey is note-perfect, possibly the best comic book character portrayal ever - yes, even better than Bale as Batman.

1: The Dark Knight - Holy shit. Holy shit. We saw it last night, and yes, it is amazing. It does not live up to the hype... it exceeds it. Also, Ledger really is that fucking good. Daniel Carlson gave it a splendid write-up here.

Yes, none of the X-Men movies made the list - the first two are wonderful, no doubt, but they really never made me feel like I was watching the X-Men from the comics. They always felt like a really, really good episode of "Mutant X" - with the exception of a couple of shots of Wolverine. They're still great movies, just not top five.

Also notably absent is Batman Begins, which is not at all fair. It belongs in the top five, but I cheated because I had too many in there (there's already six in my top five anyway). So consider The Dark Knight as the two rolled into one entry. Other honorable mentions: Spider Man I, The Incredible Hulk, Blade II, Batman (1989). Also, I have a bit of a soft spot for Superman Returns.

Top Five Comic Book Movies that spit in the faces of fans:

5: Batman and Robin - The worst of the original four by a long shot (although Batman Forever sucked big time as well. Completely missed the mark in every conceivable way, with every single actor in it over-acting. Interestingly, I've read that this movie served as a wake-up call for George Clooney, who started being much more serious about his role selection after this.

4: The Punisher (2004) - A miserable, cheesy, PG-13 shitshow of a movie. It felt absolutely nothing like a Punisher movie - the Punisher, one of the darkest, most violent and unhinged characters in the marvel universe... never actually punishes. He's no more than a prankster in this. Awful. I pray that Ray Stevenson's upcoming portrayal will salvage this character.

3: Elektra - Not even the hotness that is Jennifer Garner could salvage this mess.

2: X-Men III - I will never forgive Brett Ratner for this disaster. It completely throws the canon out the window, effectively neutered one of the best characters in the Marvel universe, killed off two key players, and basically just butchered the franchise forever.

1: Catwoman - Not content with being the worst comic book movie ever made, Pitof (note: never trust a director with only one name) succeeded in making one of the worst movies ever, in any genre, period.

Dishonorable mentions: Daredevil, Batman Forever, both Fantastic Four movies, Ghost Rider, Superman 3 and 4.

/geek-out

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Listening to: Rancid - Side Kick

Three Things

2008-07-18T15:32:00.000-04:00

1) Today is my last day as the Pajiba Love... person. It's been interesting. I've probably read more pop culture information in the last four days than I have in the last four years, but... I enjoyed it.

2) Party Music Friday! Because it's Friday, which I am eternally happy about.

3) This made me laugh uncontrollably, to the point where I had to shut my office door.

Happy weekend.

Abashed, the Devil stood and felt how awful goodness is.

2008-07-17T14:35:00.000-04:00

This week's review: 1994's The Crow. Sadly, I think this movie is frequently forgotten in discussions about best comic book-inspired movies. I probably watch it once a year, and it is consistently excellent. So please, click here and get some.

fin

Into the Great Wide Open

2008-07-15T15:24:00.002-04:00

Dear all American airline companies:

I hope you eat burning feces in Hell.

Sincerely,

TK

In case you were wondering, the trip to Seattle wasn't so good. Once we GOT there, it was spectacular. Better, in fact. Orcas Island, where we stayed Friday and Saturday night for the wedding, is breathtakingly gorgeous. Mountains, forests, beautiful, glassy waters that you can see straight to the bottom of. Quaint little towns that serve food that made me want to swoon. Friday night we went to a "Paella party" at one of the beaches, where someone cooked a gigantic cast-iron pan of paella - enough to feed over 50 people. It, also, made me want to swoon.

Saturday I ate Salmon Benedict for breakfast. It came with avocado, and I'm weeping thinking about it right now. Then we walked around a bit, then Mrs. TK and I and another couple of friends went kayaking, where we saw seals and roughly 2,000 starfish of varying colors and sizes. I also got to leap off big rocks into the ocean. That night was the wedding, which was also lovely - picturesque, fun, and more good food and drink.

So overall, the time there was amazing. The time getting there, however... not so much. I don't want to get into it too much, because it will make me seethe with rage and begin biting people's faces... which is what I do when I think about air travel in general. But allow me to sum it up with one simple fact:

We were leaving from Boston, MA. Flying to Seattle, Washington.

We spent seven (SEVEN!) hours... in Greensboro, South Carolina. Why, you ask? That's an excellent question. The answer, of course, is because THERE IS A GOD WHO IS AN EVIL, MALEVOLENT BASTARD AND HE CURSES MY EVERY WAKING FUCKING MOMENT.

Door to door, the trip out there took about 15-16 hours. I wanted to kill everyone around me. Then bring them back from the dead so I could kill them again.

Anyway. I've got some pictures that I'll post later.

By the way, I'm doing the "Pajiba Love" daily bit over at Pajiba this week, since Stacey's on vacation. Take a look if you've got a moment. Click here for today's.

Howdy. I'm gonna separate your head from your shoulders. Hope you don't mind none.

2008-07-10T13:15:00.001-04:00

A true underappreciated gem, 1987's Near Dark.

Click and please, do enjoy.

Leavin' on a jet plane

2008-07-09T22:47:00.002-04:00

Greetings,

So I'll be off the grid for the next few days - we're going to see my good friend Chris get married in one of the more complicated wedding trips ever: a plane to Seattle, followed by a rental car to Anacortes, followed by a ferry to Orcas Island, one of the lovely San Juan Islands. The getting there is a bitch, but the result will be a blast. Anyway, check Pajiba later this afternoon for a review, and The Music is the Message will keep chugging along - we're still shooting for a post a day, until we run out of ideas - unlikely considering the participants.

So anyway, have a splendiferous few days. Let's hope I don't have any awful airplane-related incidents. I'd hate to see a repeat of this or this. Because frankly, I don't think I can handle any more.

Adios. Back on Sunday.

Metal Militia!

2008-07-09T13:09:00.003-04:00

Yes, I am shamelessly promoting this site. But I guarantee that Boo's writeup about metal will be one of the awesomest things you read today, regardless of your musical inclinations. Trust me.

I'm not proud of this

2008-07-07T12:57:00.002-04:00

So I was eating a salad, and I guess I was going at it a little too aggressively.

Regardless, I failed to remove the fork from my mouth in time, and ended up biting down pretty hard and shattering the plastic fork.

In my mouth...

... and then I swallowed some of it by accident.

It hurts a little, in my belly.

This is worse than that time I bit my finger while eating a sandwich. Also, I have salad dressing on my shirt. And pants.

Goddamnit, does this shit happen to anyone else? I need to know. I desperately need to know. I can't be the only one of my kind, can I?

Fuck. Do me a favor and read my newest Music Is The Message post please? Just to make me feel better?

[sigh]

She Makes Me Wanna Die

2008-07-02T13:33:00.004-04:00

The creepiest goddamn movie I've seen in a loooooong time.

Read the review here. Thank me later for the lack of spoilers.

In the meantime, Music Is The Message is progressing nicely. Do stop by when you have a chance.

Balls.

2008-07-02T12:24:00.001-04:00

My burrito just exploded.

My desk is not a pretty place right now.

Brave New World

2008-06-30T21:00:00.002-04:00

So... I started a new internet project. It spawned out of the country music post, which received an amazing response. Then I kicked it around for a few days, enlisted some incredibly talented contributors, and Music Is The Message is born.

I'm hoping it'll be a way for everyone - reader and writer alike - to learn something new - new bands, new genres, new sounds. So come on by, check us out regularly.

Peace.

-TK

Sneaker Pimp

2008-06-27T10:46:00.006-04:00

Do people over the age of 16 still wear Chuck Taylors?

Because, well... this is n excellent point. I mean, seriously now. Get a real pair of shoes, people.
That link is from my friend Ervie, who is getting his blogging feet wet. Keep an eye on him. He's shifty.

Also, what's got to thumbs and is super-excited for his four-hour policy meeting this afternoon on a gorgeously warm sunny day?

Some other asshole, I guess.

This is one of the more terrifying webcomics I've ever seen:

So, the response to the country music post was kind of insane... but in a really awesome way. Probably the most comments I've ever received, far too many for me to address/respond to individually. So let me just say to everyone who read and/or commented: THANK YOU. That was amazing, both that people were that interested, and also that I got so many new names to look up as a result. In fact, Ervie (my friend who sort of inspired it, as well as who de-lurked to comment) and I spent a few hours last night throwing back PBR's and geeking out over the whole thing and music in general. So again, let me just say - thanks. You guys rock.

I'm considering on expanding upon the idea... maybe doing something fairly regularly, either here or via a new blog. Something sort of round-table-ish, collaborative, with reader input, multiple authorship, that kind of thing. What do you guys think? Would people be interested in reading/participating? It seems like a cool way to learn about new kinds of music, minus the pretense of, say, Pitchfork. Kind of like Blog Me a Tale, but for music. So what do people think?

Anyway, have a good weekend, folks. Be careful out there.

Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

2008-06-25T12:30:00.002-04:00

Here.

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Listening to: Béla Fleck - When Joy Kills Sorrow

In Defense of Country Music

2008-06-24T18:45:00.009-04:00

It recently came to my attention in the comments section of another site that country music is pretty unpopular among many of my peers, friends and associates. It's an unfortunate trend, bred mostly out of ignorance. I don't say ignorance to be insulting, mind you, but instead use the word in its true sense - people are simply ignorant of what good country music sounds like. The fact is, when the average person thinks of country music, they think of Big and Rich, Billy Ray Cyrus, or (God forbid) Toby Keith. Big, dumb pop stars with little or no respect for the genre's roots other than the occasional fiddle and a southern accent.

The truth is, country music is so much more. As it's grown and evolved over time, country music has been a vehicle for protest and change, not the rabid, propagandist "America, Fuck YEAH!" bullshit that they have bastardized it into. Country music, in all its forms, can be in equal parts beautiful, funny, dark, subversive, clever, scary, sad, romantic and tearful. More importantly, it, like most types of music, is more than just one type of sound. It's changed over time, drawing influence from bluegrass, blues, rock, metal, pop, you name it. It's impossible to nail down country anymore, and that's why I get so irate when people slam it wholesale.

So. A challenge was issued (well, I kind of volunteered for it) - create a list of good country music, that those who denied its appeal would enjoy. And since I a) love a challenge, b) love music in general and c) love lists, I picked up the gauntlet and ran with it.

Only one small problem: I realized, after looking at the thousands of songs in my collection, that I own a fuckload of country/alt-country/country rock/ etc. music. Because make no mistake: the purpose of this exercise is not to create a list of country songs. That's boring, not to mention that inevitably some jerkoff is going to come along and say that they're not the "best" songs, only my "favorite" songs. No, instead the purpose is to demonstrate the reach and influence of country music, and to show that it has something for everyone. Now the dilemma: what to leave off the list? Because the original list was literally over 100 songs.

In the end, I decided, sadly, to leave out the classics. Hank Williams, Elvis, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings - I figured people (hopefully) knew those reasonably well. Besides, like I said, the point is to see what the genre is capable of, not where it came from. The more roots-oriented stuff can be part of another list - a list, to be honest, that others are probably more qualified than me to generate (it should be noted that probably 50% of this would never be in my library were it not for my friend Ervie, a true country junkie).

So, here's the list. It's still long as hell - 50+ songs at last count. But I guess that's the point - there's that much out there. More importantly, there's something for everyone. Like Punk rock? Try Tenderloin. More into the hardcore stuff? Mule. How about Metal? Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. OK, like the female sound? Alison Krauss, Beth Orton (a former Chemical Brothers collaborator), Norah Jones, Lucinda Williams, even the Dixie Chicks. Dig Alt-Country? There's Uncle Tupelo, not to mention it's offshoots - Son Volt & Wilco, as well as Whiskeytown, The Patrons and dozens of others. Hell, even techno is represented with A3 and Andrew Bird. There's literally something for everyone.

Please to enjoy, and thanks for indulging me. And Bethy, should you read this - consider your challenge answered.

Artist	Song Title	Album
Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins	Run Devil Run	Rabbit Fur Coat
Defiance, Ohio	The Temperature is Dropping	The Great Depression
The Legendary Shack Shakers	Thin The Herd	Pandelirium
The Pine Hill Haints	When You Fall	Ghost Dance
Old Crow Medicine Show	Tear It Down	O.C.M.S.
This Bike Is a Pipe Bomb	Better Off Dead	Three Way Tie For a Fifth
The Gourds	Ringing Dark & True	Dem's Good Beeble
The Little Willies	I Gotta Get Drunk	The Little Willies
Gram Parsons	How Much I've Lied	G.P. / Grievous Angel
The Reverend Horton Heat	Five-O-Ford	Liquor in the Front
Calexico	Yours And Mine	Garden Ruin
Blaze Foley	Election Day	Live at The Austin Outhouse
Maylene & The Sons Of Disaster	Plenty Strong And Plenty Wrong	II
Tenderloin	Hearty Beef Party	Bullseye
Blacktop	Tornado Love	I Got a Baaad Feelin' About This
Lazy Cowgirls	Another Long Goodbye	Ragged Soul
Andrew Bird	Fake Palindromes	Andrew Bird & the Mysterious Production of Eggs
Pedal Steel Transmission	Maritime Glare	The Angel of the Squared Circle
Norah Jones	Lonestar	Come Away With Me
The Bottle Rockets	Get Down	Hell-Bent: Insurgent Country Vol. 2
Old 97's	Time Bomb	Hit By a Train - The Best of Old 97's
Hillbilly Hellcats	Train To Nowhere	Our Brand
The Black Keys	Strange Times	Attack and Release
P.W. Long's Reelfoot	Aw Bruiser	We Didn't See You On Sunday
Gillian Welch	Dear Someone	Time (The Revelator)
Lucinda Williams	Drunken Angel	Car Wheels on a Gravel Road
The Patrons	Didn't Love You Anyway	All That Is Tied
Uncle Tupelo	Life Worth Livin'	No Depression
Alison Kraus and Union Station	Find My Way Back To My Heart	So Long So Wrong
William Elliott Whitmore	Life My Jug (Song For Hub Cale)	Ashes To Dust
Indigo Girls	Three County Highway	Despite Our Differences
Gob Iron	Death's Black Train	Death Songs For The Living
Bare Jr.	Tobacco Spit	Boo-Tay
Blanche	The World I Used To Be Afraid Of	Little Amber Bottles
Rocket From The Crypt	Ball Lightning	Scream, Dracula, Scream!
Lucero	What Else Would You Have Me Be	Rebels, Rogues & Sworn Brothers
Dixie Chicks	Lubbock or Leave it	Taking the Long Way
Whiskeytown	Sit & Listen to the Rain	Pneumonia
Noahjohn	More Like Jesus	Tadpoles
Ryan Adams	The Sun Also Sets	Easy Tiger
Jesse Sykes & The Sweet Hereafter	The Air is Thin	Like, Love, Lust & the Open Halls of the Soul
Railroad Jerk	Natalie	Third Rail
Son Volt	Tear Stained Eye	Trace
Uncle Tupelo	Moonshiner	March 16-20, 1992
Jay Farrar	Cahokian	Terroir Blues
Drive-By Truckers	Hell No, I Ain't Happy	Decoration Day
Beth Orton	She Cries Your Name	Trailer Park
Mule	Lucky	Mule
A3	Speed of the Sound of Loneliness	Exile on Coldharbour Lane
Sun Kil Moon	Carry Me Ohio	Ghosts of the Great Highway
Jackie-O Motherfucker Wilco	Beautiful September (We Are Going There) That's Not The Issue	Fig. 5 A.M.

Yeah, I know. I have too much spare time. This is what happens when Mrs. TK works overnights.

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Now playing: Willie Nelson - Whiskey River
via FoxyTunes

Things I Have Done and Seen

2008-06-19T14:26:00.003-04:00

Shameless self-promotion.

Here.

and

Here.

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Listening to: Puscifer - Queen B

This is Boston, Not L.A.

2008-06-18T08:21:00.005-04:00

Well, I didn't get nearly enough sleep. My head is pounding, my throat is dry, and my eyes feel like I've got dryer lint stuck in them. I drank too much, and the large iced coffee I guzzled on my way to work is rolling around my stomach like liquid fury.

You know what else?

I feel great.

Thanks to each of you. But especially you, P Squared:

I love this town.

----------------
Listening to: The Freeze - This Is Boston, Not L.A.

Good-byes and artwork

2008-06-15T09:37:00.006-04:00

Well, my parents are gone.

That sucks.

The airport scene wasn't as bad (meaning: depressing) as it usually is - I don't know if that's because it's different/harder when I'm leaving Cape Town, or if it's becoming easier over time. My parents left the country 12 years ago, and our good-byes are still indescribably painful. This one - there was crying, and I was (and still am) incredibly sad, but I didn't completely fall apart like I sometimes have in the past.

I feel almost guilty for that.

Mrs. TK was wonderful though, a rock for me to lean on as she usually is. We went over to a friend's house Friday night for a bbq, just to distract me, if nothing else.

I have to admit, one of the highlights of the trip was sports-related. My father is a huge sports fan, and a huge basketball fan to boot - he's the reason I'm as big a Celtics fan as I am. So being able to watch Game 4, one of the all-time greatest comeback games in the history of the NBA (and a Celtics-Lakers game, no less), while sitting next to him was truly a special experience. So, thanks for that, Celtics. I appreciate it.

Saturday was a good day, though. I had round three of my arm tattoo which, while ultimately something of a disappointing session (I got there late, we didn't get a whole lot done), was still enjoyable. I really dig the place I've been going to (Redemption Tattoo). I went by a different tattoo place, Chameleon Body Arts, in Harvard Square, last week and... man, that place was just weird. Cold, emotionless place. As someone said - it felt like a gynecologist's office. Plus, the "Piercing Menu" freaked me the fuck out. The place I go to has a warm, kind of retro feel to it, the guys are all pretty goofy, and there's usually screaming heavy metal/hardcore music blaring. All of those are good things.

The remainder of the day was well spent - outside at a friend's house, watching ships go by in the harbor, cold beers and hot Mexican food, listening to the Sox game. There are few better ways to spend a lazy summer afternoon.

Anyway, here's some blurry if anyone's interested:

It's a little hard to make out, but the design goes up past the shoulder and all the way around the arm - most of it's still outline, and it weaves around and through a series of small pictographs/images of San rock art. The San, for those unaware, is an indigenous South African tribe, who hundreds of years ago did many cave and rock paintings that are, sadly, vanishing over time. Interestingly, the San are also thought to probably be the the oldest people on the planet, a "Genetic Adam," if you will.

In any event, it's where I've gotten the ideas for a few of my tattoos, including a larger scene of tribesman hunting a springbok that goes across my back - oddly, the only tattoo that my mother actually likes.

That was probably more explanation than was necessary.

Anyway. Have a good week. I've got a review going up in a few days, I'll keep you posted.

PS - I want to go to work tomorrow like I want a hole in my head. [sigh]

----------------
Now playing: Bobby Womack & Peace - Across 110th Street
via FoxyTunes

London's Burning With Boredom Now

2008-06-12T15:08:00.002-04:00

Again, with the quickness:

Click here and prepare for the scathing. Stupid crappy dragon movie...

----------------
Now playing: The Reverend Horton Heat - Revival
via FoxyTunes

Which Way Do I Go to Get to Your America?

2008-06-09T14:22:00.003-04:00

Click here for the newest review - HBO's John Adams miniseries.

Oh, by the way - it's hot as Hell over here.

That's all for now.

The Truth is Out There

2008-06-06T09:13:00.005-04:00

First off - thanks to everyone who inquired about my creaky back. I feel like an old man, but at least I feel like an old man who can walk. Progress, people. Progress. And I'm weaning myself off the painkillers - I feel like I've been over-medicating myself over the last several months, and not in the fun, recreational way.

My parents have been in NYC and Vegas with my sister this week, meaning I've been back at work. But I'm back on vacation next week, their final week here. Unfortunately, that means that at the end of next week, they depart. I'll tell you right now, it will be the lowlight of the year. Partings with my parents, regardless of who is visiting whom, are brutal and heart wrenching for all parties involved. My mother and I are usually the worst, sadly. There's nothing, I repeat nothing, worse in this world than seeing your mom cry. But I'm trying to focus on the next few days, when it'll be sunny and beautiful and they'll be back at my house.

I suppose I should mention that I had a little mishap this morning. I was eating one of those little plastic cups of applesauce and I somehow screwed up when I was lifting the spoonful of 'sauce from the cup. In my efforts to stop myself from spilling, I lurched forward, banged my elbow (of the arm with the spoon) and somehow managed to fire applesauce onto the floor, my computer monitor, my glasses and my groinal area. It all happened in about 1.5 seconds. It isn't even 9:30 AM yet.

Goddammit.

Last night was one of the greatest and most bizarre nights of Boston sports I've seen in a long time. But I was reminded of my favorite Shaquille O'Neal quote of all time:

"My name is Shaquille O'Neal and Paul Pierce is the motherfucking truth. Quote me on that and don't take nothing out. I knew he could play, but I didn't know he could play like this. Paul Pierce is the truth."

----------------
Listening to: Elliott Smith - Wouldn't Mama Be Proud

Oh, and one last little thing:

2008-05-31T17:24:00.000-04:00

Ouchtown, population: me

2008-05-31T15:49:00.005-04:00

So here's a fun story. Yesterday, my folks are at my aunts house spending some quality time with them (my aunt is my mom's twin sister), so I take the opportunity to get my oil changed, cut the hedges, mow the lawn, - you know, the usual suburban domestic afternoon-killers.

I take a break, grab a bottle of water, and sit down. Then I stand up.... and then it all gets a little fuzzy. Blinding, searing pain down my back, and I drop to my knees. Tears are in my eyes. I think to myself in a panic, "Jesus - I can't stand up. I can't move." Eventually, I crawl (slowly) into the study and make an aborted attempt to get on my couch that results in looking like a giant, crying man humping a piece of furtniture. Hey, I was suffering, no reason you should make it unscathed. That image is for you, special. I crawl over to my phone, collapse onto the floor gasping for air, and call Mrs. TK. at work. I'm in so much pain I can't even make the easy "I've fallen and I can't get up!" joke.

Mrs. TK rushes home and using some sort of She-Hulk-like strength, gets me standing again helps me upstairs. Considering I outweigh her by a minimum of 80 pounds and stand 11 inches taller, that's pretty damn impressive. I spend the rest of the day in bed, basically gasping in pain every time I twitch. It took me ten minutes to walk to and from the bathroom. Finally, at 4:00AM this morning, conditions have not only not improved, they've worsened to the point where I'm simply lying there twitching, wracked in pain, babbling "fuck, fuck, fuck!!" over and over. So, as was most likely inevitable, we go to the Emergency Room.

I have to admit, this was one of the better ER visits I've had. As you can perhaps guess from posts such as these, I've had my fair share of ER experiences, so I feel I'm qualified to expound on that. The people were polite and even friendly, the service was relatively fast. They gave me two shots for the pain within 45 minutes of being there, which were absolutely lovely. Eventually I had an MRI and... drumroll... I appear to have some disc problems. Of the bulging/tearing variety. Which is not good. So now I gotta meet with my regular doc and discuss the next steps. That should be interesting, since I've been trying to persuade to my doc for months that there's something wrong and he just keeps telling me to take Advil and rest a lot. Thanks, doc. No, really, that was super helpful, dickface. Irregahdless, those options range from physical therapy, up to and possibly including surgical repair.

Awesome.

Anyway, the parents are in NYC visiting my sister - a trip I was supposed to join them on before I decided to method act my way into the lead in My Left Foot. Their trip has been wonderful, and hopefully I'm back and mobile when they get back in a week. I already feel better, but that might be the Percocet talking.

It bears mentioning that despite being at work both yesterday and today, Mrs. TK has once again proven herself a rockstar by caring for me, bringing me things and generally being superwife. In addition, in the midst of all my baby-like whining, Animal Control raided a house a couple of towns over and found between 70 and 90 dogs and puppies locked in a basement, covered in their own feces, malnourished and generally in bad shape. Read about it here or here (warning - pictures may cause terminal sadness) if you're brave. They brought 11 of them to her hospital where she's spent the last two days shaving them down, cleaning them up, fixing their ouchies and then crawling into their cages to snuggle with them and make them feel better. Have I mentioned the ~~superwife~~ Superwoman* thing?

How was your day?

*excellent point, Kelsi

Update: I just realized what a bummer this post was, so to make up for it, a picture of happy dogs should help.

More news from the parental front

2008-05-29T15:27:00.002-04:00

Two of the many reasons why my dad rules:

1:

and 2:

Mmmm...

quick hit

2008-05-27T10:44:00.002-04:00

Dear Boston Celtics,

Listen. My dad cam an awfully long way to visit me. He hasn't watched a basketball game in 10 years. We haven't had good father-son bonding time in years either. So could you do me a favor and not, you know, suck? That'd be super.

Thanks,

TK

ps - My parents? Here at my house? The greatest thing in the history of great things. For real. More to follow.

Random stuff

2008-05-22T15:40:00.001-04:00

Several things all at once...

-My parents get here on Saturday. SATURDAY, PEOPLE. I'm a mess right now. I can't sleep, can't work, can't really do anything except bounce in my seat in anticipation. Thank God the Celtics are on tonight to distract me. Meanwhile, Mrs. TK has been cleaning the house within an inch of its life all week (I know that doesn't make sense. You want good grammar, start your own damn blog). She's like a lemon and bleach scented dervish. I think our house is the cleanest it's been since it was built. Of course, I have been doing little except for working outside and cooking dinner, because apparently I'd either just be in the way, or I "wouldn't do it right." I suppose I can't complain. On the subject of parents, I also wrote this.

-Work is an absolute madhouse right now. Summer's always super crazypants in my line o' work, so the rush is officially on. Thankfully, I'm off next week.

-I saw The Black Keys last Saturday. Holy freaking Hell. I'd never have guessed that two guys could generate that kind of energy. They're a blues/rock duo, just a drummer and guitarist/vocalist, and they fucking rocked my face off. Their new album is called Attack and Release, and I cannot recommend it highly enough.

-Folks in tattoo nation: I need your help. I got to work today and realized that the pants I'm wearing are basically ruined - stains on the knee/thigh from where I leaned my arm there after my last session. I'm using A & D ointment and it apparently stains like a motherfucker. Actually, this leads to an interesting story...

I'm in the midst of contract negotiations with one of our unions at work. So we're at a negotiation meeting, and I'm wearing short sleeves (usually, I try to wear long sleeves for meetings, but I'd forgotten this day). Anyway, one of our maintenance guys who is on the negotiating team for the union is getting coffee at the same time as me, and sees the new ink. And...

Him: Hey, nice tat man.
TK: Oh, thanks. It's still in progress, I still have two or three sessions to go I think.
Him: Sweet. Hey, what are you using for the aftercare?
TK: Ah, A & D, then just Lubriderm after the first few days.
Him: You should try Bag Balm. I got a mess of tats, that's what I've always used, it works awesome.
TK: Bag Balm?
Him: Yeah. It's what farmers use on cow's tits.

We both turn around to take our seats, and see 10 people - my boss, lawyers, etc... in complete stunned silence. It was one of the more interesting meetings. Not quite as bad as the great gangbang incident of 2007, but...

Anyway. My next session is the day after my parents leave, which will most likely be devastatingly depressing. I'm calling it tattoo therapy.

-New review up at Pajiba, for perhaps the best "Giant Crocodile Terrorizes a Small Maine Town" movie ever made, Lake Placid.

That's basically it. I'll probably be off the grid for much of next week - I'll check email pretty regularly, but posting is unlikely. So you all have a splendiferous weekend and week, OK?

----------------
Listening to: William Elliott Whitmore - Sometimes Our Dreams Float Like Anchors

2008-05-20T08:39:00.001-04:00

Cattle Mutilations Are Up

2008-05-15T14:34:00.004-04:00

One of the lost films of 1992, the brilliant and wonderful Sneakers.

Read or die.

----------------
Listening to: The Clash - The Guns Of Brixton

We're All Criminals Here

2008-05-09T08:47:00.006-04:00

So last week I'm ordering something on Amazon, and it tells me that I'm one cent shy of getting free shipping. So, of course, I immediately add Grand Theft Auto IV, because I'm a giant geek with too much spare time on my hands and a poor impulse control.

However, I firmly believe that Grand Theft Auto saves lives. At least, it does in my case. Just think about it - the ability to go on violent rampages, smash your car into buildings or drive it off of bridges - it just prevents me from cracking up and doing it in real life.

This is why I don't like public transportation - I always feel like I'm one jostled elbow or stepped-on foot away from one of those moments:

*snap!*

*eye twitch*

"... I'll kill you all"

You know what? I'm going to stop there. I... I may have said too much.

Regardless, it arrives today. Let the mayhem commence.

Also, the strip above comes from A Softer World. If you're not reading regularly, you are missing out on some the best dark humor on the internet.

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Listening to: Uncle Tupelo - Criminals

Down By the River, Wrapped in Plastic

2008-05-06T13:35:00.001-04:00

Random crap:

1) Conversation I had, after a long, rough day at work last week, at Whole Foods. I am gazing helplessly at the 800 different kinds of bread. An employee walks up to me:

Whole Foods Girl: Can I help you find something?
TK: I can't figure out what kind of bread to get.
WFG: What kind are you looking for?
TK: [angry, dead-eyed stare]
WFG: Um... I meant... um...
TK: I just need a loaf of bread
WFG: Well, this one has some really good rosemary accents! If you like something more with more grain, this one-
TK: STOP. Just... stop. Please... right now, without thinking, just pick one.
[she picks one, hands it to me meekly]
TK: Thank you. Have a lovely evening.

Sometimes, I don't need a fucking dissertation. I just need a goddamn loaf of bread.

2) I'm slooooowly coming out of the blog closet. There are now officially two people, in addition to Mrs. TK, who know of ~~my plan for world domination~~ the existence of this site. Yikes. Yikes, I say.

3) In case you're interested, here is my review of Twin Peaks, Season One, for Pajiba's series, "The Best 15 Seasons of the Past 20 Years." Twin Peaks is one of my top five TV shows ever, so hope you enjoy the review. And if you don't, I hate you and hope you fall down a well.

4) My parents arrive on the 23rd. ON MAY 23RD, PEOPLE. I haven't seen them since March of 2006. They haven't been to the U.S. since 1998. To say that I'm excited is probably one of the great understatements of this century.

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Listening to: Brazilian Girls - Lazy Lover

Come Sweet Death, One Last Caress

2008-04-30T12:58:00.005-04:00

Fuckin' A... this is the movie I was born to review.

Here.

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Listening to: The Misfits - Die, Die My Darling

Live Every Week Like It's Shark Week

2008-04-24T14:36:00.002-04:00

I present to you:

The glory of Deep Blue Sea.

Click.

Please to enjoy.

----------------
Listening to: Imogen Heap - Getting Scared

In This House Of Suffering

2008-04-20T08:13:00.002-04:00

Rebirth in Suburbia

It's been a week of torment, a week of tears and pain, trapped in this house of suffering. Last weekend was fine, but Sunday night I started feeling a pain in my throat. Monday morning it had turned from pain to agony. Every time I swallowed, tears were forced to my eyes. I was febrile and lay twisting my bed, praying that I wouldn't have to cough, for coughing elevated the pain to even more hellish levels.

Tuesday I knew I was going to be out for a long count. I went to work early, before others were in, so I could organize things and transfer them around without afflicting others. I went to the doctor, let him poke and prod and give me many "hmm's" as he looked in my mouth speculatively. Clutching a bottle of antibiotics, I made my way home, wincing and cringing at every accidental dry swallow.

I had long since lost the ability to speak.

Wednesday, the first sip of water that morning brought me to my knees and to tears. I was subsisting on a diet of mush - soup, applesauce, overcooked pasta. On the plus side, the Red Sox were winning.

Thursday and Friday saw minor improvements. I began to eat soft breads and an occasional soft taco. I still had to brace myself for each swallow, as it felt like I had broken glass lodged in my Adam's apple.

Friday was particularly difficult. It was, without question, the most beautiful day of the year. The dogs burst outside like kids on the last day of school, prancing and rolling and barking at birds, wrestling and chasing and napping in ignorant bliss. I watched from inside and only wanted to crawl back into bed.

Saturday... I felt better. I could swallow without wincing. And I thought to myself, "ENOUGH!" I made the decision as soon as I stood upright that I would work this damn plague out of my body. I would sweat it into submission. At 8:30 AM I rose, and with purpose I put on my work clothes - cargo shorts, beat up t-shirt, Red Sox hat, and I attacked my long-neglected yard. A yard filled with the detritus of a long winter and an abundant fall.

I raked, I shoveled. I dug up dead trees with a viciousness and force I did not expect. I hauled, I pulled and pushed and sweated, until seven hours later, I stood, hands on hips, surveying my handiwork. A clean, beautiful yard, grassy and with the flowers and buds bravely showing their faces. I choked on dirt and dust, and looked at myself. I was a wreck. I was literally dark brown with earth and grime and mud. My hands were ingrained with dirt. It was everywhere - at the corners of my eyes, between my teeth, in my pockets, in my socks. I stripped down to my boxers, gasping for air, hands shaking from my labors, and walked into the house, cranked the shower to "Scald" and stepped in.

I stood in the shower, letting the searing water tear into me, and it felt like a baptism. as brown water sluiced off of me, I felt the sickness finally release it's grasp, and eventually, I emerged, damp, with skin red and flushed, feeling like a new man.

This Deal Is Getting Worse All The Time

2008-04-16T09:07:00.004-04:00

I was so excited when I was offered the Pajiba gig. I mean, reviewing movies! What’s not to love, right? Fortunately I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying, on some level, each movie I’ve reviewed to date. So when I received a random email from what we are assuming was a PR flak for the Lifetime Network recommending I check out a movie called The Memory Keeper’s Daughter, I cracked up. I mean, the Lifetime Network? Why the fuck would they contact me of all people? I laughingly forwarded it to Dustin Rowles, the publisher of Pajiba, thinking he'd find it funny. Instead, he responded, "You should review it."

Fuck.

Shortly there after, I was chatting with A Lover & A Fighter, a.k.a. Lover of All Things Lifetime and All Around Goofball, and I mentioned this to her. Her response? "Oh, that shit? I read that book. It was awful, awful, awful."

Fucking Hell.

After discovering that Darth Rowles was not, in fact, kidding, I resolved myself to watching it. I’d been dreading this past weekend for days. It was made worse by the fact that a) my wife was out of town, b) the Red Sox were playing the Yankees that weekend, and c) I was getting a cold. This is how fate found me sick*, home alone, on a Sunday night – watching the Lifetime Network instead of the Red Sox game. Yeah, this gig rocks. Anyway, click here.

*And in case anyone is wondering, it turns out I'm not just sick, I've got strep. I'm lovin' life right now, let me tell you.

Fighting the good fight

2008-04-15T09:17:00.002-04:00

The people I've met though the internet, this strange new social system have overall been wonderful, kind, interesting and in some cases, even become good friends.

One of them is very sick.

Please send her some good wishes.

That is all.

You apes wanna live forever?!

2008-04-10T19:38:00.003-04:00

It's a bit late, but it feels like a milestone to me. Whether or not it is remains up to debate. Anyway, Wednesday marked Day 100 since I quit smoking. I'm quite pleased. To commemorate this day, I am going in for phase two of my new tattoo in two weeks (phase one was this past Saturday, which was, of sorts, a late birthday present from Mrs. TK).

Yee-haw!

Carry on.

toothpastefordinner.com

RECOGNIZE!

2008-04-04T22:53:00.002-04:00

That is all.

Today is a good day to die

2008-04-03T09:42:00.002-04:00

A Chronology of the Last Twelve Hours of My Life

9:00 PM: Finish my latest Pajiba review, email it in for editing.

9:10 PM: Go upstairs to find Mrs. TK watching a reality show about the Pussycat Dolls.

9:11 PM: Die inside.

9:20 PM: Contemplate divorce.

9:30 PM: Hate world.

9:45 PM: Watch final minutes of Celtics game.

10:15 PM: Go to sleep.

-----------------------------------

3:15AM: Wake up. Stare at ceiling.

3:30 AM: Try to will myself back to sleep.

3:31 AM: Fail. Hate world some more.

3:45 AM: Begin thinking about work by accident.

3:46 AM: Begin stressing out.

3:47 AM: Stare at Mrs. TK in murderous envy.

3:48 AM: Mutter "fuck it" under breath, get up, grab cell phone and book and move into guest room to begin reading.

4:40 AM: Finish book. Contemplate punching self out for the second time this year.

5:10 AM: Asleep

6:10 AM: Wake up. Curse God, shake fist at sky.

6:10 AM - 7:15 AM: Feed animals, shower, dress, kiss wife, leave house.

7:15 AM: Pull into gas station. Remind self to get coffee, donut, juice, windshield wiper fluid.

7:20 AM: Get back into car. Stare at bird shit on windshield, realize I've forgotten the fucking wiper fluid, get out of car.

7:25 AM: Spill wiper fluid on shoes and pants. Scream "FUCK" in front of minivan full of children and scared parents.

7:35 AM: While crossing overpass, see traffic at dead stop on the highway, with plume of smoke in the northern distance. Contemplate pulling over to cry.

7:36 AM: Get onto highway, put car in park. Think of ways to destroy the world.

7:50 AM: Traffic begins moving.

8:05 AM: Pass burnt-out shell of exploded car. Feel nothing, because the morning has made me dead inside.

***Zombie driving mode***

8:30 AM: Flock of wild turkeys (A Flock? Gaggle? Gobble? Wobble?) runs onto I-93 highway, causing swerving, breaking, screeching, honking, and one sideswipe accident. Hit turkey with car for the second time this year. Think about driving into guard rail, beginning murder spree.

8:45 AM: Spill coffee on shirt.

8:47 AM: Repeat.

9:00 AM: Park car, stumble towards office.

9:15 AM: Write this down.

Any and all explanations are welcome.

----------------
Listening to: Magnolia Electric Company - Give Something Else Away Every Day

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

2008-03-29T16:49:00.006-04:00

OK, confession time. I had to do something today that I am truly embarrassed about.

I had to go to traffic school.

You see, in Massachusetts, when you have 5 traffic violations in three years, traffic school is mandatory. And through a combination of a lack of patience, carelessness, and a little bit of bad luck, I managed to rack up those five violations. Your options are either go to traffic school, or have your license suspended. Obviously, I opted for choice #1.

It was a complete and utter shitshow. From the moment I got there and sat down, I thought to myself, "I am so going to write about this." It was a nightmare. It was awful. And as with all awful, nightmarish things, I present it to you folks for your own amusement. Because I love you all that fucking much.

First of all: It started at 8:00 AM on a Saturday. And lasted for 8 & 1/2 hours. 8 & 1/2 hours of being locked in a teeny-tiny, poorly ventilated room at a crummy Holiday Inn in an absolutely dreadful town with a group of reprobates the likes of which I've never seen in one place ever before. If I knew then what I knew now, I would seriously consider just taking the suspension. It was that bad.

When I was on my way there, I was thinking, "well, maybe it'll be like The Breakfast Club! You know, none of us will have anything in common, and we'll work on each others nerves, but by the end we'll come together! And learn to love each other, and gain valuable lessons about people and our differences and traffic... and become friends, and maybe some of them will even fall in love!"

Not quite.

Yeah. . . Not so much. 8 & 1/2 hours later, one person had stormed out, one person was literally drunk after taking breaks at the hotel bar for shots, and one fist fight had broken out. I'm not making this up.

But I digress.

The teacher was actually not a bad guy. He tried his best to get the group engaged, but... given his audience, he had limited success.

Allow me to introduce the highlights of the class:

Me. Your friendly neighborhood blogster. I was there for basic stuff - one speeding ticket (60 in a 45), a ticket for changing lanes without signaling (which was bogus because I totally did because I always do), a ticket for crossing the yellow line when driving around someone who had stopped, an accident and a failure to stop ticket. Relative to this group, it was pretty vanilla.

Other guy kind of like me - the other "normal" person there. A couple of minor speeding tickets, a busted tail light, other minor crap.

Loud and whiny princess who wouldn't shut up: Hadn't had a license in 10 years, but has been driving the whole time. Got pulled over for speeding, running a red light, had two outstanding warrants for possession, and had weed IN HER PURSE.

Stupid kid #1: Just a dumb kid. Probably 21 years old. A DUI, a speeding ticket for doing 110 in a 55. ONE HUNDRED TEN MILES AND HOUR, y'all.

Stupid kid #2: More of the same. DUI, and a suspended license for speeding (while drunk) and then RUNNING FROM THE COPS.

Random Vietnamese kid who couldn't really speak English. I have no idea why he was there. He slept through the entire class.

Scary Ukranian guy: 3 DUI's. Resisting arrest, followed by assaulting a police officer and kicking out the window of the cruiser. Serious facial scarring. This guy scared the fucking hell out of me.

And. . . the Monkey Boys. A father and his son, who were there together on separate lists of violations that included running stop signs, rear-ending a state trooper, cocaine possession, resisting arrest, speeding. . . it was astonishing. They were like this pair of primitive cavemen who'd accidentally been given drivers licenses. They spent the entire session cackling like hyenas, throwing balled-up paper at each other, and gratuitously hitting on the Princess, who for some reason was amused by it (even when Cletus Jr asked her if she'd go down on him during lunch). It was like watching a nature show filmed in Hell. Why the teacher didn't toss them I'll never know. The best part about the Monkey Boys? Apparently, the other brother was supposed to be there as well, but couldn't make it because he'd been arrested the night before and was in jail. Sweet mercy. They were like a criminally, insane version of the Spuckler family.

Needless to say, it was a disaster. The Ukranian guy kept taking breaks and would come back smelling like brandy. The Spucklers got more and more obnoxious, and things really came to a head when Cletus Jr. called another attendee a "darkie" during the lunch break. . . aaaand hence the fistfight. Fortunately, Cletus Sr. had the wisdom to have them take it out to the parking lot to settle their differences.

Sweet Heavenly Humping Buddha on a Unicycle. This was seriously one of the most surreal days of my entire life - and that includes the time when I dropped acid and a dwarf licked the back of my head when I wasn't looking (some other time, I promise).

But I survived it. And I can tell you this - I hereby vow to drive more carefully, partly because of an increased understanding of the importance of safety, and partly so I never, ever, EVER have to set foot in that room again. Because those people terrify me.